


Torn Apart

by Olivia_Mockingbird



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Double Agents, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Jedi Ben Solo, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Backstory, Kylo Ren Has Issues, New Jedi Order, POV Kylo Ren, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, Smut, Torture, Young Ben Solo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-16
Updated: 2017-11-24
Packaged: 2018-09-24 23:22:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 31
Words: 70,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9791684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Olivia_Mockingbird/pseuds/Olivia_Mockingbird
Summary: The story follows Ben Organa Solo’s transformation into Kylo Ren. It’s more complicated than it seems.Featuring: shitty explanations of the ForceAct I: Chapters 1-5Act II: Chapters 6-8Act III: Chapters 9-18Act IV: Chapters 19-25Act V: Chapters 26-31





	1. Chapter 1

He was only a child when the voice took root in his mind. He couldn't truly recall if there was a time when it wasn’t there, whispering in the deep recesses of his mind.

The voice never introduced itself, it didn't even say anything for the first year or so, only creating feelings, emotions that Ben was sure didn’t belong to him. 

His dreams were never his own. Each night he would dream of unimaginable power.

Eventually the whispers became loud enough for him to actually understand.

It promised to teach him how to wield the Force within him. It told him that no one would ever understand him. That they were afraid of his power. They would make him suppress it.

The voice told him that people would only want to use him, manipulate him. If he only followed the voice, he couldn’t make people understand him, care for him, but he could make people fear him. He could command the galaxy if he’d only listen.

It was enticing. His mother was gone — always busy with creating the new republic. His father was gone too — he could never stay in one place long. His Uncles were rarely around — Lando had to represent Bespin, Chewie was always with Han, and Luke, his biological uncle, was always doing something “Jedi” related. Other children were scared of his powers, his lack of control.

The voice told him that his family didn’t want him, he was only a burden. It added that the “Jedi” way was futile and would only dampen his powers. The voice to promised to make sure he reached his full potential. 

He began talking back to the voice. He was lonely. He wanted a friend. The voice told him that it could help him. It showed him how powerful they could be together. He need only join the voice.

Eventually the voice introduced itself as Snoke.

Gradually Snoke became more commanding — demanding. The dreams got darker. He didn’t dream of unimaginable power; he dreamt of the devastation caused by unimaginable power. 

He was eight when he told his parents about Snoke. Both his parents had been home that night, sleeping in the same bed, a rare occurrence, when he ran into their room screaming asking them to make him leave, he didn’t want to be friends with him anymore. 

He’d dreamt he’d killed his father. Despite telling them about Snoke, he didn’t tell them about that particular dream.

His parents had exchanged anxious looks before calming him down and sending him back to bed.

The next day his Uncle Luke arrived. 

He heard the three of them whispering about Snoke and himself in the living room.

The hushed voices reminded him of the way Snoke first approached him.

His Uncle looked up at him. Luke was older than he remembered, crows feet decorated his eyes, but the blue in them still twinkled, “Hello Ben, nice of you to join us.” He motioned for Ben to come sit next to him on the couch.

He sat down, his parents were gazing at him with a mixture of fear and worry.

“You’ve said that there’s someone who talks to you in your head?”

“I’m not crazy,” he didn’t like the tone his Uncle used.

“I don’t think you are. I think you have someone communicating with you through the Force. I recognized the name from some ancient artifacts, but I don’t know much about him. What I do know is that he’s dangerous.”

“I don’t understand Luke, how did he get into Ben’s mind?” his mother sounded desperate.

“I’m not sure, I’m going to have to look into it more, but for now I need to teach Ben how to put defenses up around his mind to keep Snoke out.”

Ben couldn't remember the last time his parents had looked so united. He couldn't remember the last time they had been this invested in his wellbeing.

He tried not to be bitter about it as he listened to his Uncle explain how to build defenses around his mind.

He sat on the floor of his bedroom, crossed-legged, and closed his eyes.

He allowed his Uncle to guide him into meditation. He cleared his mind and focused solely on walling off his consciousness.

He pictured every living being’s consciousness as stars. His Uncle’s was blue, like the color of his eyes, which was odd considering his lightsaber was green. He struggled to leave his own consciousness, to see his own color.

“Ben, you need to focus.”

He focused inwards again and willed himself to disappear, to blend into the background of the Force. To become unnoticeable. 

He opened his eyes, nothing felt different, “This isn’t going to work.”

_Things like this take time and practice._

“See! It didn’t work, you can talk to him through the Force still! This is pointless.”

“You were hiding your Force signature, not blocking your mind. Both of which are difficult skills to master. The goal of blocking off your mind isn’t to disappear. The goal is to become impenetrable.”

“And how do I do that?”

“Each Force user has there own method, it’s best that way, it ensures no one knows how to sneak in without you noticing. It’s the difference between erasing a planet from the archives — like Kamino — and enveloping the entire planet with a deflector shield — like Scarif.”

“Why not do both?”

“It’s best to master one skill before moving on to the next. Given how long Snoke has had access to you, he knows how to find you. For the time being, I don’t think we need to worry about him coming for you. But it is imperative to keep him out from now on. I’ll teach you how to hide your Force signature later on. You were on the right track for that by the way.”

He closed his eyes again. Instead of willing himself to fade he will himself to develop a shield, a shell around his consciousness. Trapping his mind in it. He felt increasingly alone and his connection to the Force changed. It felt muffled, slightly beyond his grasp, every time he managed to hold onto it, it slipped through his fingers like sand.

He felt like he was suffocating. And now there was an incessant echo around him giving him a headache. There was a presence hovering. He opened his eyes. His Uncle was looking at him with something akin to pride. 

He let his defenses down and felt the Force flow around and through him again. “Was that you?”

“Was what me?”

“That hovering presence, was that you?”

“You couldn’t here what I was saying?”

“No, I could feel you there and I could hear your echo. But I don’t know what you said.”

“I was telling you that you could open your eyes now.”

“I couldn’t connect to the Force though. I could tell it was there, but I couldn’t actually feel it. Why?”

“By putting up those defenses you’re essentially blocking out the Force. With more training you’ll strengthen your connection to the Force so you’ll still be able to use it with ease with your defenses up. It’s also a bit of a balancing act, you’ll figure out how strong you need your defenses and where you can allow chinks without leaving obvious weaknesses. I’ll teach you how to keep your defenses up at all times, even as you sleep. You’ll learn how to create internal defenses as well.”

“When?”

“Soon, I promise.”

And then his Uncle was gone.

He waited a month.

He tried to find his Uncle in the Force, searching for that blue star. He couldn’t locate him. He tried blindly speaking to him through the Force, he received no reply.

His mother admonished him for letting his defenses down. He’d forgotten she was Force sensitive. 

When Luke first left, he could feel Snoke’s presence almost constantly. The echo created by him giving him a persistent headache.

After a few weeks Snoke grew less oppressive. He would only bother him a few times a day. Eventually, around the time Ben was nine, Snoke left him alone entirely.

He’d become accustomed to being separate from the Force, and it no longer bothered him. At age ten, his father considered him old enough to learn how to fly the Falcon.

His parents had been fighting again, this time instead of leaving with just Chewie, he’d come to Ben’s room in the middle of the night.

“Hey kid, time to get up,” he said in his familiar gruff voice, flicking on his light switch.

Ben let out a long groan.

“C’mon, before your mother wakes back up.”

He was up instantly when he realized his father was taking him in the Falcon. He wasn’t leaving him alone again.

Chewie met them in the hanger and graciously allowed Ben to sit in the copilot seat. He’d seen his father fly the ship numerous times, but he’d never been allowed to touch anything. He mirrored his father’s grin when he’d turned to smile at him. 

He merely offered instruction as Ben took off.

Once they were clear of Corellia’s atmosphere his father began entering coordinates into the navicomputer, “You want to visit Uncle Lando, kid?” 

He nodded vigorously.

“Ok kid, you know what to do next.”

Chewie warbled, “Punch it” in Wookiee.

They spent the next week in Cloud City. They were some of the best days of his life. Lando taught him how to shoot a blaster, which for as lax as Han seemed, would never let him do. He even got to practice with Chewie’s bowcaster.

Chewie enlisted his help with making repairs to the Falcon while Lando and Han gambled on who got to keep the Falcon. Han lost and made the next round double or nothing, whoever won would get the Falcon and Ben. Lando took the bet and let Han win knowing that Leia would probably kill the both of them if she found out.

Ben and Chewie joined in the game of Sabacc, and he took great pleasure in beating Lando and his father.

His father gave him more flying lessons, eventually trading spots with Ben and being the copilot.

He knew he had the Force, but decided he wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps instead.

When they finally went back home, his parents tore into each other and he was sidelined again.

They fought for days and eventually his father left again, this time without him and his mother threw herself into her work even more.

He was left all alone.

He decided to reach out for Luke through the Force again. He dropped his guards for the first time in about a year and feeling the Force again was like a jolt of adrenaline.

He was determined to find Luke, he just needed someone. He pulled the galaxy into his head and searched everywhere for him. But he couldn’t find that blue star. Finally, he decided to explore the unknown regions. Luke had to be somewhere, he wouldn’t have hidden his Force signature.

Still there was nothing. Except for one star of consciousness. But it wasn’t so much a star as it was a blackhole. It was impossible to see, but it was there. Dragging the Force in towards it.

Curiosity got the better of him. Yes it was like a blackhole, but it wasn’t real, nothing would actually happen if he were to touch it. It couldn’t possibly have belonged to a Force sensitive.

He reached out for it, his had almost drawn to it on it’s own. He tried to clasp it in his hand. Instead his hand slipped right through it. He was burned by how impossibly cold it was. 

He should’ve thrown his defenses back up then and there. Instead he was fascinated by it. The Force was warped around it. It had such a dense presence, but it was almost not there at all. He needed to know what it was, how it even existed. He examined it, prodded at it with the Force. 

That’s when the same icy burn he experienced earlier trickled into his mind, through his entire body.

_And what brings you back to me?_

It was Snoke.

He immediately slammed his defenses back up, but not before Snoke managed to say, _They’re holding you back. They don’t trust you. They don’t want you._

He decided to ignore what Snoke said. They were just trying to protect him from Snoke, that’s why they didn’t want him using the Force. They trusted him, they didn’t trust Snoke. His family wanted him, they were just; they were just… busy.

Still, he’d seen the way they’d looked at him when he was younger. When he’d shown he had command of the Force, he wasn’t sure if Snoke was already in his mind at that point, they'd traded looks of trepidation, guilt, and dismay.

No, they didn’t he was recreating his memories to fit what Snoke was telling him. 

The echo along with the headache was back.

_Go away. Go away. Go away. You’re wrong._

His mother came home in the early hours of the morning to find him hunched over, hands cradling the back of his head.

She knelt down next to him, “What’s wrong?”

“He’s back,” he didn’t mention that it was his own fault.

Her face transformed from concern to horror instantaneously. 

She immediately got up and walked to the other room.

A few seconds later, he heard his Uncle’s voice.

Just a few seconds, just a holocall. He hadn’t been able to reach him at all. Couldn’t find any way to contact him at all, through the Force or any other means. His mother had told him that she didn’t know how to get into contact with him. That he would show up wherever and whenever the Force deemed necessary. 

He only caught the end of the conversation when Leia said, “Luke, call Han, let him know what’s happened.”

She walked back into the room, still looking scared, but calmer.

He was struggling to keep his emotions under control, “What’s going on?” he carefully bit out. He was hunched slightly, he was already rivaling his mother in height and knew he could come across as intimidating. 

“You’re father’s going to come back and Luke will also come to help.”

She didn’t elaborate any further and he didn’t ask anymore questions. 

They lived carefully around each other for the next day. 

Luke showed up early in the afternoon. Instead of teaching him any new techniques or explaining what would happen next they all sat in silence.

The sun was setting when Luke finally spoke, “Leia, we can’t wait much longer.”

“I know,” she snapped, “he’ll be here…soon…”

“The longer we stay the more danger he’s in.”

“Han needs to say goodbye.”

“Goodbye? What do you mean goodbye?” Ben had only been vaguely paying attention.

“You’re going to leave with Luke—“

“You’re sending me away?”

“He’s going to train you. Keep you safe.”

“Then we might as well leave now,” he tried not be hurt by this revelation.

“Ben, you’re father, we’re waiting until he gets to say goodbye to you.”

“Mom, he’s not coming. Ok. He was never going to come.”

“The ship’s ready,” Luke offered quietly.

She bit her lip, blinking back tears and nodded.

The trio walked in silence to the communal landing pad.

He hugged his mother, but said nothing in response when she told him she loved him, instead walking towards the ship. 

The door had just closed behind him when he heard his father, completely out of breath, shout, “BEN!”

He turned to look through the view port as his father ran towards his mother and wrapped his arms around her, never taking his eyes off of Ben as the ship took off.


	2. Chapter 2

He stared out the view port until Corellia was long gone and they entered hyperspace. He eventually made his way to the cockpit. “Where are we going?” he asked his Uncle, who appeared to be the only one on aboard, aside from the droid R2-D2. 

“Jedha.”

“Wasn’t that moon completely decimated by the Empire?” 

“Yes, but in the past 20 odd years it’s become just about as habitable as it was before the Death Star fired on it. Especially the Jedi Temples furthest from the Holy City and the Temple of the Whills.”

“Why was it so imperative that we leave right away?”

“Snoke’s interest in you is piqued. You being able to block him out like that requires a level of skill few have. It’s partially because of your powerful lineage. He almost certainly knows where you are, so taking you away from there is a precautionary measure. 

“Won’t he know I’m on Jedha eventually?” 

“We’re not going anywhere near Jedha until you’ve hidden your Force signature.”

“You’ve hidden your Force signature haven’t you?”

“Yes.”

“Why’d you hide it?”

“My research on Snoke has proven fruitful, but concerning, so it’s a precaution. Now a necessary one since you’ll be with me.”

“Ok…”

“I promise, I will explain everything when we get to Jedha. Now, tell me, how’d Snoke get to you again?”

“I found him. I found his Force signature in the Unknown Regions. It wasn’t like anything I’d ever seen—“

“Why were you looking? You were supposed to keep your guards up, not use the Force.”

“I was looking for you! I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to smother my abilities. I needed someone to be there for me because my parents sure as hell weren’t.”

“They love you, neither of them are good at showing affection, but they love you.”

“They ignore me, they’re afraid of me, I’m not important to them. They sent me away! Pawned me off on you.”

“I won’t lie to you. They did a hell of a poor job of prioritizing you, but you are very important to them and they love you. They didn’t pawn you off on me, in fact, I’m glad I finally get a chance to train you. They sent you with me because they’re afraid. Not of you, but for you.”

Ben didn’t say anything in response. He didn’t know what to say, he knew there was truth to what he was saying, but a darker part of him wanted to point out flaws in the argument.

“You need to practice hiding your Force signature. You had the right idea back when you were building up your mental defenses. The goal is to blend in, to become unnoticeable, not to disappear.”

“I can’t do both. I can’t hide while I have these defenses up, not yet at least.”

“Drop the mental defenses, I suspect the reason Snoke noticed they were down earlier was because he could sense you near him within the Force. We’ll work on a more complicated mental defense system later on. But for now it’s the same meditation technique as before, but don’t barricade yourself from the Force this time, instead harmonize with it. Don’t use the Force to mask yourself, mask yourself within the Force.”

He looked at his Uncle blankly.

Realizing he’d made no sense whatsoever, he changed tactics, “Close your eyes and let the Force show you where you’re supposed to hide. You may not know where it is in the physical realm, it might not have a location in the physical realm, but you will go there in your mind and you will immerse yourself in it, become familiar with all the elements in that location, become a part of it and then let it become a part of you.”

That explanation vaguely made more sense. He understood the first couple steps at least. He closed his eyes, hoping for green islands smattered across an unending blue ocean, instead the Force showed him lava, scorching the infertile earth. He got his unending ocean, but it was red and burning and would only bring anguish not tranquility.

_Immerse yourself in it. Embrace it._

It was pain in it’s purest form, he burned forever. He no longer existed, there was only pain. 

And then he was back in his own body, physically unscathed. But he had to allow that pain to be a part of him. It subsided to a dull constant ache that he would carry with him.

He opened his eyes, hoping he’d done it right, not wanting to endure it again.

He was alone.

He wandered into the cockpit. His Uncle was meditating. He didn’t really know the appropriate etiquette for interrupting a person deep in mediation, so he decided to test his powers.

He’d been performing telekinesis since he was a toddler, but his mental abilities were unrefined. _Luke?_

His Uncle opened his eyes, looking slightly surprised, “Glad you’re up and about, I was worried I’d lost you within the Force.”

“Lost?”

“Well when I first learned how to hide my Force signature it took me about a day to immerse myself. You’re the first student I’ve taught to do this and you were gone for about four days. Nice work with the telepathy by the way.”

“I was burning on some Force-forsaken planet for four days?”

“Burning?”

“My ‘location’ was just rocks and lava, an endless amount of lava.”

His Uncle gave him a strange look, a mixture of resignation and pity, “We should go to Jedha now.”

The moon, looked unimpressive from a distant, just sand, as they broke through the atmosphere, the damage caused by the Death Star was easily evident. Though wind and time had smoothed things over a bit, the massive crater that used to be Jedha City was undisturbed and only a few pieces of the ancient statues were still intact and not buried beneath the earth.

He remembered his mother telling him about what it was like to watch her home planet, Alderaan, been annihilated right in front of her. He wasn’t sure which was worse. At least on Alderaan, the people died quickly, most had no idea what happened. On Jedha, the lucky ones would’ve been vaporized, but there would still be people who saw it happen, who watched the horizon disappear as the lurched forward to suffocate and bury them.

The ruins quickly slipped out of view along with the sun and Luke put the ship down near a relatively smaller, toppled over statue. 

_“This_ is your Jedi Academy?”

 _“This_ is where you can come to meditate and in the caverns and tunnels within are where many ancient artifacts are still waiting to be dug up and where there is still a small supply of kyber crystals,” pointing to the neighboring plateau, _“That_ is the Jedi Academy.”

“So why are we down here?”

“I keep sensitive information and objects down here since padawans can’t come down here without my supervision, but I need to retrieve them for your training.”

“You left your padawans, untrained people with lightsabers and Force abilities alone without supervision?”

“I have various Force worshipers to help. Lor San Tekka is the one in charge when I’m gone.”

He followed his Uncle in silence through the yawning opening created in the overturned relic. Luke headed straight for a hidden crevasse in the wall and retrieved an incredibly old thick book.

“Let’s head back to the ship, we’ll come back sometime later to get you a kyber crystal to build your lightsaber.”

“How many other students do you have?”

“You make 23, the youngest is eight and the oldest is 15. I founded it around ten years ago, few months before you were born. I wanted you to be my first apprentice.”

“Why wasn’t I?”

“Leia said that she would have a bounty placed on my head for kidnapping you if I tried to take you away to train. She was right, as usual. I’m trying to fix the flaws that were in the old Jedi order, taking children away from their families before they can form a grammatically correct sentence and forbidding attachment are two things I’m very adamant against. I also believe that every Jedi must confront the darkness within themselves and accept it’s existence. It’s also for the best because I actually need to train you in a very different way compared to what I originally planned.”

His uncle had started out looking nostalgic but happy, especially when he’d mentioned his mother. But that same look of pity and resignation flashed across his face when he mentioned Ben’s training.

“I know you’re not telling me something.”

“You’re right. I’m just trying to figure out how to explain it. I also need to work up the courage to put it into words.”

“When will you tell me?”

“After you build your own lightsaber. You’ll have had enough training and acclimated enough to handle it. You’re going to have to train harder than the others. You’ll train with your peers, but at night we’ll perform mental exercises to prepare you for what’s to come.”

“What’s coming?”

“An inevitable conflict that by necessity somehow involves the Skywalker family. But we’ll start all of this tomorrow. For now, we’re going to get you set up in the dorms. One more thing, for now, don’t block out Snoke, allow him in. Don’t respond to him, tell me everything he says, I need to know what he’s planning.”

Luke left him alone in the dark room. He wandered between rows of beds filled with his fellow Jedi in training and claimed the bed shoved into the corner. He settled in, preparing for the nightmares Snoke had in store for him.

Waking up had been particularly difficult, he’d been plagued by dreams of achieving greatness only to look down and see the atrocities he’d committed to get there.

Training was worse, not because it was hard, but because it involved interacting with people his own age, which he had little experience in.

He’d always been self-conscious about his ears, he’d convinced his mother to let him cut his own hair so that he could make sure it was always long enough for him to hide his ears underneath. So when he’d been given a band and told to tie his hair back for training, he’d hesitated before reluctantly taking it and hastily wrapped it around his hair. 

They’d started off as entire group as Luke lead them through meditation and the basic light saber forms. They were then split into smaller groups based on skill level, which was why Luke decided to stick him in with the oldest group. 

The groups rotated between different aspects of study — spiritual, mental, physical, and lightsaber training.

His Force abilities were greater than most in the group and he wasn’t the shortest by far. But he had the slightest build and he was the newest. And his ears, his ears were easy to see with his hair pulled back. 

Which is what they jumped on. He managed to keep himself in check, but he was having an increasingly difficult controlling his anger. 

It was when they were practicing with lightsabers that Snoke began to whisper again. The training spheres were easy to block against and it helped him focus, tune out Snoke, and calm himself. But then they had to duel with one another. 

His partner was baring down on him, this was the first time he’d ever fought someone with a lightsaber and there was a learning curve to it. 

He wasn’t small enough to get out the lightsaber lock they were in, the lightsaber lock he was on the losing side of.

His partner eventually was able to burn his ear with his saber. It hurt slightly, they were designed to be relatively safe, but they both knew the significance of the act.

Tuning out Snoke’s whisper’s of respect through fear had become impossible for him to tune out. 

His goal wasn’t to end the lightsaber lock or to win the duel, his goal was to hurt the person across from him.

He pulled his lightsaber away from his opponent’s, who without Ben’s provided resistance to his overbearing strength stumbled forward as Ben stepped back and swung his saber up. His saber slid over his opponent’s hand before cutting from his stomach up to his should. His opponent brought his saber back up, protecting his head. Ben pressed his advantage and used his height to back down on his opponent’s blade until he faltered and dropped it. Ben pulled back slightly before jabbing them hard in the chest and dragging the blade up their neck, stopping at the chin. 

He finally turned off his saber, though he could still feel his blood pounding in his ears. 

“BEN!”

He turned around, his Uncle was running towards them, everyone else seemed frozen, not quite sure what they were supposed to do.

Luke stood in front of him, looking at him bewilderedly. He handed him the practice saber. 

“He could probably use some bacta,” was all he said before walking away. He didn’t know where he was going, but he figured that eventually he’d run into one of the edges of the plateau which seemed as a good a place as any to stop.

The edge he made it to was the one across from the fallen monument. It was a long drop to the ground below and he wondered how long it’d take to reach the bottom.

He levitated a rock over the edge and let it drop. He counted the second in his head, it eventually blended into the sand and rock it was hurtling towards and was too small to make a noticeable impact when it landed.

Snoke’s whispering had subsided and he was left alone to deal with the aftermath. 

He finally sat down and swung his legs over the edge. It’d be so easy to just slip. To lean a little too far over. He could count the seconds that way.

“What are you doing all the way out here, young man?”

He twisted his neck to look up at an elderly man.

“I’m Lor San Tekka,” he stuck his hand out for Ben to shake.

“Ben.”

“Ben, good name, good man too,” the man seemed to be talking to himself.

“Luke says your not a Jedi?”

“No, just a member of the Church of the Force, and a friend of your Uncle.”

“How’d you meet him?”

“I was an acquaintance of your grandfather and your namesake before the rise of the Empire. Your namesake gave a number of things to your Uncle, including your Grandfather’s lightsaber, which he lost, and the means to contact me if the need arose.”

“He lost it?”

“Yes, but it’s not my story to tell, you’ll have to ask him yourself.”

“He told me not to lose control.”

“Well, recklessness and not doing what one’s told is a Skywalker tradition. Now, let’s get you back to Luke.”

He allowed Lor San Tekka to lead him back towards Luke.

It was decided between the two of them that Ben should probably train San Tekka and Luke one on one, only practicing with others when necessary and strictly dueling with Luke. 

He was fine with that. He was used to being alone. He didn’t need camaraderie.

Luke had shared a strange look with San Tekka when he said it be “easier” if he didn’t become close friends with the others.

Most of his time was spent either running through lightsaber forms on his own in the hot sun. Luke eventually designed an arena where he was forced to perform Force assisted jumps, Force pushes, telekinesis, and hone his lightsaber skills. He was given a small round ball, about the size of a pearl that he was to weave through his fingers as quickly as possible to improve his fine motor skills. Any break he had he would begin mindlessly doing laps with the bead — he wanted to beat Luke’s record.

Days when rain had poured from the sky and lighting crackled across it, which happened surprisingly often for a desert moon — the damage caused by the Death Star effected the weather patterns as well as the geological surfaces — he would spend with San Tekka or Luke building up various mental defenses.

The days he practiced with San Tekka he would be given a tidbits of information to hide, somewhere with in his mind. Once hidden, San Tekka would teach him meditation methods, ways to ascend your physical body, to become more in tune with his surroundings. He helped him construct a mental fortress, A maze of endless, identical halls made of mirrors, thousands of doors that when unlocked opened to either a mirror, or another hall way. He got so turned around hiding secrets in his own mind, he could spend hours trying to find his way out.

When he practiced with Luke, Luke would place a hand on him and try to find the secret he had hidden. At first it was painful, having someone rifle through his mind, but he quickly grew accustomed to it. Eventually, Luke had him practice extracting information from him. Graduating from picking up what Luke had easily accessible at the forefront of his mind to searching for secrets.

All the while he had Snoke whispering in his ear, he’d developed more control and could turn what he said into a rather obnoxious buzz that would face into the background as white noise.

Luke still hadn't explained why he shouldn’t block Snoke out, but he’d said the time was coming soon. That there was one last thing for Ben to do before he could build his saber and be made aware of the grand plan. He refused to stay what it was though. It fanned the flame of his frustration which received constant fuel from the dark whispers in his mind.

He was 15 when he finally figured out what Luke had been waiting for.


	3. Chapter 3

They were participating in another one of the sessions where Kylo searched for bits of information Luke had hidden. He hadn’t found anything and was becoming increasingly convinced that his Uncle was screwing with him at this point. 

He stood up and began pacing, “I’ve been waiting five years for you to tell me what is going to happen next. Five years! And now I’m trying to extract information you don’t have from your mind.”

“There’s only one thing left for you to —“

“Don’t say it. I know there’s one thing left. You’ve said that for the past five years. Why don’t I just pull what this grand scheme is out of your mind instead of this pointless exercise?”

Instead of sitting back down and placing his hand on his Uncle, he remained standing and stretched out his arm.

His Uncle made no attempts to resist, so he pulled at his Uncle’s consciousness, tearing at it, until he ripped through completely. He was in his Uncle’s thoughts. But there was no structure to them anymore. Had he done that? He rifled through them, looking for anything. He remembered that whatever was about to happen involved the Skywalker family.

He saw Luke, missing a hand, watching a lightsaber fall into the depths of wherever this event took place — he didn’t lose the lightsaber so much as he lost a hand, the lightsaber was just collateral damage. The scene changed slightly. He was looking at Darth Vader but he was changing before his very eyes, the helmet gone to reveal a scarred man beneath which turned into a man on fire with no limbs besides one bionic arm which changed again to Anakin Skywalker before quickly turning into Vader again.

He was flung out of his Uncle’s mind.

He stood there, arm hanging limply by his side. Heart thumping loudly, “I’m sorry… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t — I shouldn’t have done that.”

His Uncle, now standing, said in-between deep breaths, “Take what you just learned and hide it. Hide it deeper than anything else you’ve ever hidden. This, for the time being, will be your biggest secret. For now, you need to build a lightsaber.”

Although, now almost a half a foot shorter than him, Luke was deceptively quick and Ben had to run to catch up since his Uncle had cleared out so quickly.

“You wanted me to do that?”

“I mean the whole not needing to touch me to do it was a bit of a surprise but yes, that's what I needed you to do.”

“Why?!”

“I needed you to find the truth out about your Grandfather, I also needed to be sure you could use the Dark Side. The only way anyone could forcefully get that secret out of me would be to use the Dark Side. Two birds, one stone.” 

“You have a hell of a lot of explaining to do.”

“Not now Ben. You need a kyber crystal and I need to find something I’ve had hidden for a long time, it might take me a while to get it.”

They entered the ruins, it was pitch black.

“You are aware that it is literally in the middle of the night, right?”

“Ben, go find a kyber crystal.”

As his eyes gradually acclimated to the lack of light, it turned it’s presence wouldn't have helped him in the slightest.

The slight tug that he felt coming from the depths of the crystal cave had him crawling on his hands and knees, further and further into the earth. The decline wasn’t exceptionally steep, but he’d crawled about a mile and the air was cold.

He couldn’t feel the tug anymore and he turned around bewildered, he couldn't have passed it. He sat back on his haunches which he immediately regretted as he smacked the back of his head against a cluster of crystals hanging above him.

He loosened the one that appeared to be twinkling despite the lack of light. He held it out in front of him, palm open and watched it turn an emerald green. Pleased, he pocketed it and began to crawl back the way he came.

But he still felt a tug back to the same spot. He couldn’t have taken the wrong crystal, this one changed color for him. Was he supposed to have two sabers? Was he supposed to have a doubled bladed one?

He knew he got to the spot where his other crystal was because he could feel the blood he’d left smeared on the roof of the tunnel drip onto him, he groped around for the crystal that was supposedly his. He cut his hand open on the crystal that he’d knocked loose with his head earlier. It had cracked.

That had to be it. He held it in his palm, waiting for it to change color, to do anything really. 

It just sat there broken in his bleeding palm, covered in blood from his head.

Sighing, he pocketed the cracked crystal as well and made the journey back, exacerbating the laceration on his hand. 

He finally clambered out of the tunnel, the gray light of early dawn had spread into the cavernous room, looking back towards the tunnel he could see his bloody handprints.

Chiding himself for not doing it earlier, he shredded part of his tunic and wrapped it around his hand a couple times before tying it.

He fumbled to get a better look at the crystals in his pocket. The first one was still the brilliant clear green it had changed into. The cracked one maintained the slightly opaque quality unchanged kyber had, although it was now stained red. He’d wash it later.

“You find your crystal?”

Luke was holding a strange lumpy object who’s bizarre shape was only accentuated by the threadbare bag it was in. 

“I found two.”

“Two, that’s rare.”

“Well, I found one that is usable and then there’s the one I broke.”

“How’d you break a kyber crystal?”

“Smashed my head on it.”

“That shouldn’t have broken it.”

“Well, it’s cracked, I sliced my palm open on it, didn’t even change colors,” he procured the crystal for his Uncle to examine.

“I’m going to hold onto this for now, I need to brush up on the properties of kyber.”

“Take it, I don’t think it’ll work anyways.”

“We should head back up to Academy. You need to put bacta on your hand and get your head looked at, I think you’re still bleeding.”

He used his good hand to touch the wound, he pressed it slightly and winced, “Yeah, still bleeding.”

His Uncle gave him a strange look.

“What? I wanted to make sure.”

“It’s Han’s fault you’re so damn tall.”

San Tekka took care of the wound on his head, stitching it together while Ben slathered bacta on his hand after digging most of the debris out of the gash.

After his head had been sewn back together he went to the building designated for lightsaber creation.

He painstakingly picked out the metals that would make up the hilt. He had been intrigued by an incredibly ancient cross-guard lightsaber design, but he’d need either two more smaller kyber crystals or a more powerful one, so he ultimately decided on a dual phase design.

Two days later, he was pleased with the results of his creation.

He’d been obsessed with finding out what Luke had planned, but he couldn’t stop himself from destroying the training arena Luke had created specifically for lightsaber use.

He’d been so engrossed that his Uncle had only gotten his attention by locking blades with him. Green against green. They dueled until, finally, Ben got Luke to yield.

“This is when you’re training really starts.”

“What was I doing before this then?”

“Preparing for the next two years or so.”

“So is this when you tell me what is actually going on?”

“Well what do you know so far?”

“Snoke is some kind of Dark Side entity and he wants me so you’re training me to take him on along side you.”

“Close. But we’re not fighting him together. He’s afraid of me, he’ll do anything to make sure I stay away from him. I can’t do anything to stop him. But he wants you, you can get close. You won’t finish your training with me, you’ll finish it with him. You’ll join him, become his apprentice, and once you know how, you’ll kill him.”

“He won’t buy that I’ve suddenly just pledged myself to the Dark Side. Even if I hid this, even if he never finds this, he’ll never believe it.”

“He doesn’t want you to pledge yourself to the Dark Side, he wants you to pledge yourself to him. He knows there is the epitome of conflict between the Light and Dark within you and it makes you incredibly powerful. But you’re right, he won’t just believe you. You have to rely on him, you have to need him. Ask him for help. Be honest, the best lies are based in truth. Share all your doubts with him — I know you have them. I know you feel more powerful when you use the Dark Side. Listen to him, use the knowledge he provides. And when he asks you to betray me, your fellow Jedi, you can’t hesitate, you have to strike all of us down.”

“I —“

“You can’t tell me when it will happen. I will try my best to cut down the number of students around and I’ll try my best to make it out alive. If I do, I’m going to go into hiding, I can’t tell you where, but Lor San Tekka will have part of the map that will allow me to be found when the time is right.”

“You want me to kill—“

“No, I need you to. I’m going to send San Tekka into hiding on Jakku soon, along with a young Force sensitive girl, and I’ll do my best to minimize the number of people who will be here. But you will have to kill us. This is why I tried to limit your interactions with the other students. The less ties you have, the easier it will be. But that won’t be the end of it. Snoke will have many tests for you, you will have to kill for him without question. He will torture you, manipulate you, use you, he will shred your mind looking for deceit and he will hone you into his own personal weapon. And once he trusts you fully, once he completes your training, you’ll end him.”

“No, you’re insane. I’m not doing that. You can't ask me to do that. You can’t ask me to murder your other students. You can’t ask me to willingly walk into my own personal hell.”

“I’m not asking.”

“Who knows about this plan?”

“You. Me. It’s for the greater good. Trust me.”

“Trust you? You just told me you’re plotting the murders of your students. Greater good or not, you can’t act like you’re the hero in this.”

“Good, use this. Use this to lure Snoke in.”

“That’s despicable. That’s… evil!”

“You’re right. This is and will always be my biggest failure, my greatest shame. But it must be done. But now, I need to show you something,” he motioned for Ben to follow.

“First, this is Vader’s helmet, use it to for guidance, as a reminder. The Dark Side offers great power and you can use it to finish what he started… to bring balance to the Force,” he handed Ben the melted deformed mask.

He gazed into it’s eyes, imagined living behind this, cut off from the rest of the world. It made him feel claustrophobic, but he was reminded of the fear something like this could inspire. A mask like this would make him a phantom, a monster. There was something powerful in having your face hidden, no one can see who you are, it’s left up whatever there nightmares conjure up. It makes you unreadable, impenetrable… his face always had been an open book, every feeling, emotion written across his face.

“Ben.”

He snapped his eyes away from the helmet in his hands.

“This is the other Kyber crystal you found. The one you somehow managed to crack. You said it didn’t change color. You were wrong. It did, just not in the expected way,” he opened his hand to reveal the crystal in questions.

It had lost in opacity, it however had not lost the red color of the blood that had first stained it. 

He stared at for a bit and then looked back up at Luke. He knew he looked confused, even scared.

“It seems to have taken an affinity to the color red. This cracked red crystal is entirely yours. Call this plan terrible, evil, impossible all you want, but you cannot deny that I have the Force backing me up on this one.”

He glanced at the helmet that exuded dark power full of potential and the dangerous looking crystal that had chosen him. He closed his eyes.

“I know you were looking at the cross-guard lightsaber design. A cracked crystal is incredibly unstable, but incredibly powerful, if you decide to create a lightsaber using this, you’ll need side vents to keep from combusting the first time you use it.”

He opened eyes and gazed at his Uncle. He couldn’t imagine hating another person more that he hated his Uncle right now. His plan was horrifying, he knew it was horrifying but he still believed it was justified because it was for the “greater good.” Every organization he’d learned about — the Sith, the Republic, the Empire, the Jedi — they’d all committed atrocities, all in the name of the “greater good.”

Actually, he could think of one, just one, more person he hated more than his Uncle. He hated himself. Hated himself for wanting to agree to this plan. Hated himself for wanting to agree to it, not for the greater good, but to satisfy his own curiosity, to learn more about the Force, to see if there truly was a difference between “good” and “bad” or if everything was just a gray area.

“This won’t end well.”

“Are saying yes?”

“Yes.”

“Thank you.”

“They’ll never forgive you,” he didn’t need to specify who “they” were; he meant the entire galaxy.

“I know.”

“They’ll never forgive me either,” he couldn’t decide how he felt about that.

“Like I said, this will be my greatest failure and my deepest shame. I am truly sorry Ben.”

“You should be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that's not how kyber crystals work, but it seemed poetic.


	4. Chapter 4

The next year flew by in a terrifying blur. Each day he woke regretting his choice. For almost the entire first year he worked on his new cross-guard lightsaber in secret. It was a complicated process, made increasingly complicated by the finicky crystal at the heart of it. He destroyed several hilts because the crystal seemed intent on constantly changing how much excess power was created and he either burned himself, melted the hilt or the whole thing exploded in his face, cracking the crystal even further.

He eventually gave up on creating something sturdy and doubled down on power. It was a shoddy job that created a jagged crackling blade, but it worked. He’d also gotten skilled enough at creating the basic design that as long as he had some half way decent materials he could make a new hilt to put the crystal in if the need arose.

Once he could do more than turn the blade on for a couple of seconds without it blowing up he began practicing with it. He was careful to make sure no one saw him with it, always carrying his green dual phase saber with him incase he needed to make a quick change. 

His cross-guard saber felt like a much more natural extension of his arm. The power of the beam allowed him to swing just as effectively one handed as a two handed grip. It was exhilarating to use a weapon that was truly compatible with him. His Uncle had been right about the crystal.

He considered thanking him, but he was still bitter about the path that his Uncle laid out for him. Even more bitter towards himself for agreeing. 

But his new weapon was a definite plus to the whole situation. 

He’d shown Snoke the progress he’d made. His reward was dreams from Snoke that showed lightsaber forms and stances that he’d never even considered. 

They moves were sweeping and relied more on brute force, both of which suited him better. When he dueled with Luke he could easily best him in minutes.

Each night they still performed mental exercises. He was successfully able to keep Luke out most of the time. The times he did get it, he’d been able to conjure up false information, a false thought or memory that more often than not fooled Luke.

When it came to getting information from Luke it was becoming increasingly easy to break it and pick out things of interest. He was fooled by Luke’s lies with decreasing frequency.

It was around that time that the truth about the Skywalker’s was revealed by a rival of his mother’s. He found out after a Luke shared a message from a teary eyed Leia apologizing for hiding the truth. She told him she loved him. He forced himself to be unmoved. Forced himself to not worry about his mother. Not wonder if his father was there for her to lean on. Not wonder if she was in danger of being assassinated. Not want to immediately fly to her, tell that he understood why she lied, tell her sorry for not telling her he loved her too when they last say each other. Instead he forced himself to feel betrayed by his mother’s deception.

After about another year, Snoke still hadn’t asked him about his whereabouts, surprisingly, but he did assign him two tasks. First he was to pick out a new name for himself that he would go by only if he successfully joined Snoke and from then on, only by that name. Once he joined Snoke, Ben Organa Solo would be dead. He procrastinated on this one, he loathed to admit it, but he was scared. Scared of losing his identity, of losing sight of his objective because the days he woke wracked with guilt and regret had long passed and only a small part of him despaired.

The second task was to design himself a helmet. He took to that gladly. Any chance to hide from himself was welcome. Any chance to hide the conflicting emotions that were constantly warring on his face was welcome.

He put more care into creating the helmet than he did his lightsaber, the nature of the crystal was to combust, so it was inevitable that he’d eventually need a new hilt, but he wanted the helmet to last, to prove that he was capable of creating something of quality.

He added a voice modulator. If he didn’t recognize himself as the one speaking it was easier to disassociate, distance himself from what he was becoming, what he was eventually going to do.

Snoke was pleased with his helmet design. Luke was too, he said it suited him. He could only nod. He knew the day was coming soon. The day would Snoke would ask where he was. And after everything. After realizing how well suited he was to the Dark Side, something in him rebelled. He always managed to crush it, but no matter what it would pop back up, someway, somehow.

He was terrified. He still hadn’t picked out a name. If he could hold onto his name, he could remember his goal, his purpose. He needed to keep his name.

“You have to let go. Trust the Force, you’ll find away to keep a part of yourself.”

“How—“

“Your face betrays your every thought.”

“I need to choose a new name.”

“What’s key to your identity?”

“I don’t—“

“Meditate on it,” his Uncle firmly clasped his shoulder, he looked like he wanted to say more, but there was no point in rehashing the plan, in apologizing, or offering false words of comfort. 

The nodded at one another after a minute or so and few minutes after that, he heard his Uncle’s ship take off.

He needed to remember who he was. He needed to remember his purpose.

Solo, despite his strong Force sensitivity, he was the near spitting image of his father.

Skywalker, the apparent keeper’s of balance in the Force, that was his goal, balance the Force.

Kylo. His name was _Kylo._

_Kylo Ren. That will do. Now comes the part where you prove your loyalty to me._

_Yes, Supreme Leader._

_I will send the Knights of Ren to retrieve you from Skywalker’s Jedi Academy. Before you leave you need to make sure there are no Force sensitives left to be trained. It would be preferable to eliminate Skywalker, but that will be a difficult task for you at this early stage in your training, so eliminating the padawan’s must do for now._

_Yes, Supreme Leader._

_Now, why don’t you reveal your location to me._

_Jedha—_

_Reveal your Force signature, there is no need to hide any longer._

_Yes, Supreme Leader._

Luke had only explained the concept to him, Ben had never actually practiced it given that it would reveal his location before the time was right. So he really needed to get it right on the first try.

He brought his location up around him, the heat from the lava nearly boiling him alive, and did something that he’d actually longed to do. He transformed his location, changed it so it was no longer in harmony with where he’d hidden himself. The green islands and the endless ocean were there, he wondered if he’d ever see this place in real life. And just like that, he was standing outside underneath the stars on Jedha.

_Very well, prepare yourself, the Knights have been instructed to follow your lead on this raid._

_Yes, Supreme Leader._

He fought down panic and the bile that had risen in his throat. He couldn’t turn back now, he’d already ensured the deaths of everyone on this plateau, the only life up in the air was his own. He had to follow this to completion. Or else their deaths would have been for nothing. It was for the greater good.

With that he secured his helmet, ditched his green saber, openly clipped his red one to his belt, dawned his cloak, and headed to the far end of the plateau to wait for their arrival.

It had begun to rain. Of course it was raining. Why make this easy. Instead terrified innocent people would run through the mud as rain obscured their vision, only to be murdered by a monster in black with a crackling red saber.

It’s fine, he’d never talked to these people, only seen them in passing. He could do this. He had to do this. He couldn’t fail.

The ship carrying the Knights landed in front of him and they disembarked. There were eight and he made nine. He was surprised that not one of them carried a saber, instead endowed with various melee weapons. They were going to be slaughtered.

He realized he’d been staring for about a minute and had yet to say a word when one of the Knights cleared their throat and said, “They’re lightsaber resistant.”

He nodded, swallowing hard, “Follow me.” He didn’t recognize his own voice.

He turned and led them towards the Academy. He was more sure footed than the Knights who were exercising caution to not slip in the mud.

As he stretched out with his mind and tried to sense them, he came to the realization that, while they were Force sensitive, they only had a weak, untrained connection.

He’d assumed Snoke to be above using a motley crew like this.

He’d assumed wrong.

But as the massacre started he realized that he had somewhat underestimated the Knights, they were incredibly skilled with their weapons of choice, it was actually fascinating to watch the one with the batons and the one with the staff. 

He reluctantly entered the fray. He went for a older padawan, not ready to murder a small child yet, he was surprised by the heady rush of power and adrenaline that came when he impaled the teen with his saber, he deactivated the blade and turned away before he could see the life leave his eyes, he was wasn’t ready for that either. He was a coward. Still he pushed forward. 

He finally built up the nerve to watch one actually die on his blade and it was nauseatingly exhilarating. As he decapitated another, he cursed Skywalker, he’d said he’d decreased the number of students at the Academy, yet it only seemed to have grown since he’d last been aware of the actual number of people there.

Finally, there were none left alive. Looking around at the carnage surrounding him, he’d killed more padawans than the other Knights combined. He was overcome with a mix of pride and horror.

Once they trekked back to the ship, one of the other Knights took charge of flying. He didn’t bother asking where they were going. At this point, very little of what he did or did not know would make a difference.

He’d completed his initiation, now his objective was to survive Snoke’s training and torture and do his bidding until he was trusted enough to finish his training. If he managed to survive that, then he needed to kill Snoke. If he succeeded…he…

He came to sinking realization that Skywalker had sent him into a much bigger fight than he’d been made to believe and had neglected to share the entire plan with him. That led him to bitter truth that no matter how this played out, he wasn’t going to make it out alive. There was never a version of the plan where he made it.

He clenched his fists tightly to keep from lashing out.

Although, there was something slightly freeing about this. He knew he was going to die, not in the far off abstract way people typically thought about death, but as something that was going to happen much sooner rather than later.

Planning for the future was no longer something he needed to do, worrying about the greater good was pointless. For the rest of this conflict he wouldn’t have to make his own decisions, merely follow orders. By the end of this conflict he’d be dead. He could be careless, reckless, nothing truly mattered in the long run. The galaxy, the universe, the Force, it would move on with or without those currently occupying it. 

It was comforting to know that whatever he did wouldn't change the ultimate outcome of the cosmos. He realized unlimited power is not something he wanted.

He wanted revenge. Revenge against Snoke for creating this mess, revenge against Luke for throwing him into it, revenge against his parents for creating him, and revenge against himself for the part he was playing in this conflict.

A part of him wanted to subdue the Knights, hide his Force signature, and disappear, avoid the entire conflict. A braver part wanted him to go to Snoke, to complete his mission. But the darkest part of his soul wanted to go to Snoke for the power. Not the power to rule over others, but the power to rule over himself and prevent others from trying to rule over him.

Skywalker had chosen the wrong person to do this.

He sat there, fuming silently, hating himself for what he had done, hating himself because part of him had enjoyed it.


	5. Chapter 5

He had no idea where he was. He knew that Snoke was somewhere out in the Unknown Regions, but beyond that, he was lost. From the brief glimpse he got of the planet before being ushered inside what appeared to be a vast underground military complex he had been brought to a frozen world. Not as bad as Hoth, which he’d learned about from his parents, as it was still warm enough for plants to grow given the presence of a mast forest.

He briefly considered asking what the name of the planet was, but realized receiving an answer wouldn’t change anything, there was no one could tell the location to without jeopardizing his mission. He’d effectively trapped himself. 

This was all his Uncle’s - no, Skywalker’s fault. He was no longer Ben. He was Kylo and he had no family.

He wrapped up thoughts of his mother, his father, his uncle and Ben. Then he shoved them into one of hiding places he’d created in his mind.

The goal was to hide the truly incriminating thoughts and memories by locking them way so tightly that he forgot they’d ever existed. To sell the act even further he needed to hide less traitorous thoughts in a way that Snoke could access them with some effort.

If he thought he knew Kylo’s darkest secrets, he wouldn’t look further.

He was glad the other Knights weren’t incredibly Force sensitive because even with his mask firmly in place, they would’ve been able to sense his rising fear.

Fear. He needed to harness that fear. Fear is what kept you alive. 

He clenched his fists tightly, remembering that either way, he wasn’t going to live through this. Fear was useless to him. He had nothing to fear.

But he was angry now. Anger he could work with.

He clenched his fists tighter, trying to dig into the flesh of his palms through his leather gloves. The pain helped him focus, but with the gloves, there was only pressure.

He’d long stopped keeping track of his surroundings as he was lead deeper into the base. He’d also stopped keeping track of time. It could’ve been hours since he slaughtered the other padawans or it could’ve been weeks. He had the slightest feeling that he was destined to go insane behind this mask.

The Knights ahead of him stopped and he quickly came to a halt. They were standing in front of what appeared to be an inconsequential door. Briefly wondering if they needed a code to get though, it quickly became clear that this is as far as the other Knights would accompany him. Whatever lay behind that door was there for him and him alone.

He pushed past the other Knights and the door opened. As soon as he was past the threshold it shut behind him.

Stepping forwards into the dark chamber he was surprised to find that he was entirely alone.

Taking a few bolder steps towards the dais at the center he slowly scanned the room, wondering what he was supposed to do or be looking for.

Finally, a figure flickered into existence on the dais. Skywalker hadn’t been lying when he said Snoke was ancient. 

The Supreme Leader was impressively tall and his presence demanded complete attention, still, he was decrepit and disfigured.

His earlier confusion and the sudden appearance of Snoke caused him to forget to come up with a relatively innocuous secret for the Supreme Leader. He scrambled to get his thoughts under control as he bowed before his new master.

He settled on his surprise and slight disappointment that his fellow Knights were not skilled Force users. It didn’t betray his true mission and it was authentic.

The more he could use his genuine feelings the easier it would be to trick Snoke, but he knew he was walking on a fragile line.

“You may rise Kylo Ren,” Snoke’s drawl in real life was as memorable as it was when he was only whispering in the back of Ben’s, now Kylo’s, mind.

“Yes master,” his robotic voice masking the spike of anger that had formed as he remembered the damage Snoke had inflicted on him as a child.

“You are displeased, Kylo Ren. Already ungrateful of the guidance I’ve freely given?”

“No, Supreme Leader.”

“You feel as though I didn’t provide you with adequate people to command?”

“No, they are exceptional. I was surprised to find that they were untrained in the Force.”

“You cannot think too lowly of your Knights as their performance is a reflection of _your_ training.”

“My training?” he was confused.

“Did you really think that I would train you as my apprentice without gaining something in return? This is a great generosity on my part. You are their master. They answer to you. I’m entrusting you with this; see to it that you do not fail.”

“They did not seem to be aware of that…”

“You cannot expect everything to be given to you Kylo Ren. You must earn their respect.”

It was another test. If he didn’t conquer the Knights he would fail. If they didn’t become competent Force users, he would fail.

“Yes, Supreme Leader.”

“You have one year to get them to answer to you and begin their training. At that point, I will summon all of you to my location so that I can perform my own assessment of their progression and yours.”

“Yes, Supreme Leader.”

“Now, go. Do not fail me Kylo Ren; I have been lenient with you the past, you should not continue to expect me to do so.”

Snoke flickered out of existence and at once the entire room, although still dim, felt instantly lighter without his presence. He wondered what it would be like to physically occupy the same space as the Supreme Leader if that was the effect he had via hologram.

He finally stood, clenching his fists again and walked out of the chamber. The other Knights were standing in the exact same spots as they had been when he’d entered. 

They all turned and headed down a different hall, he trailed after them, taking better note of his surroundings than he had before.

They had yet to cross paths with another person as they traversed the base. After what felt like ages of walking in circles, they emptied out into a main hallway filled with officers and by the looks of it, Stormtroopers. an entire section of the hallway was pure window, providing an unobstructed view of the terrain. The planet was beautiful.

He noticed that the other people on base gave their group a wide berth, a challenge as they were currently blocking most of the hallway.

A Knight to his right said, “Welcome to Starkiller, Ren.”

He couldn’t help but ask, “Starkiller?”

“A more advanced and ambitious version of the Death Star.”

He’d grown up hearing his mother talk about Alderaan; he’d lived on Jedha. 

“How long until it’s completed?”

“About 10 years. Maybe a little more, maybe a little less.”

He nodded silently

There was nothing he could do. No way for him to warn anyone. All he could do is hope that the work stalled, the New Republic found out, or that is was solely used as an intimidation tactic. 

Ten years seemed like a long ways away, he’d be close to 30 years old. But he’d long lost the delusion that this mission could be completed in under a decade. If in the unlikely event that he didn’t die by the time Starkiller was completed, he still wouldn’t be anywhere near capable of defeating Snoke.

“We operate outside of the First Order’s ranks, it doesn’t actually concern us." 

He bit his tongue to stop himself from interrupting the Knight to tell him that he was well aware of the role the Knights of Ren played. It would be easier for him to overtake them if they thought he was clueless.

They reached the Knight’s quarters. They were surprisingly familiar to what he was used to at the Jedi Academy — spartan, made to fit basic needs and not provide comfort.

Though here on Starkiller, they were actually given private rooms. Once he was shown his, the Knight told him, “Be ready to train at 06:00 tomorrow,” and then left Kylo alone.

He let out a sigh of relief, he’d awkwardly clipped his grandfather’s helmet to his belt and hid it within his robes, but he couldn’t keep carrying it around like that. Having his own space meant that he could shove it in the corner of the room and no one would be any the wiser.

He looked down at the small cot that he was meant to sleep on, he could already tell that there was no way for him to fit his entire body on it.

He stretched briefly, grabbed the pillow and blanket off the bed and set up a place to sleep on the ground, directly in front of the door, that way if anyone tried to get in he would be awoken. He kept his lightsaber clipped to his belt.

He was up at 05:00 and quickly used the fresher. At 05:15 he opened his room’s door to discover a plate of food on the floor. Looking up and down the hall, he saw one in front of all the other rooms. It seemed same enough to eat it.

He was given enough food to keep him just above the brink of starvation and still allow him to build adequate muscle. It was nothing new. Skywalker had, if nothing else, prepared him well for life on Starkiller.

At 05:30 he was in the training room helmet firmly locked in place and was going through the lightsaber forms Snoke had shown him.

He had no idea how he was supposed to get the Knights to fall inline with him. He didn't know how to lead. He didn't even know how to work in a group.

He deactivated his saber, still holding though incase he needed to quickly fall back on the defense, when the other Knights walk in.

“So, Jedi, shall we see how powerful you are without your saber?”

He clipped his saber to his belt. He didn’t need them to respect him, he just needed them to fear him. Fear his abilities in the Force, “Sure.”

He called two practice weapons to him before tossing one to his challenger.

“Any rules I need to know about?’

“There aren’t any,” his opponent growled.

“Good,” he smiled behind his mask.

The other Knight adopted an offensive stance, while Kylo had elected to simply hold the weapon loosely at his side.

As the Knight moved to strike him, Kylo shot out his free hand, flinging him across the room, causing him to smash against the far wall.

He crossed the room and bent down in front of the Knight. Tilting his head he asked, “Is that powerful enough?”

A more sadistic part of him snapped the Knight’s neck with the Force. He enjoyed the feeling of taking his life via the Force.

He turned to face the other Knights as he stood back up, “You might be formidable fighters, but not a single one of you stands a chance against a Force user. All of you put together don’t stand a chance against a single Force user.”

None of them moved. He took that as a good sign.

He took turns sparing with each of them separately to observe their fighting styles, assess their strengths and their weaknesses, he allowed them to stay on the offensive for the entire fight until they left a glaringly large opportunity for him to strike. He always stopped short of actually removing limbs or stabbing anyone, but they all received at least one burn.

He was actually increasingly impressed by the baton wielder and the staff wielder. He really needed to make an effort to learn their names.

Still he had Snoke’s time frame in mind. He had a year before they were all tested. Their fighting skills, while in need of some improvement, were not a problem compared their complete lack of Force abilities.

He could feel that they were Force sensitive to some extent, but, after a week, he couldn’t even get them to harness it.

Frustrated, he ignited his saber and slashed an entire wall of the training room. He rounded on Baton Wielder, stretching out his hand he began to tear through her mind, he didn’t bother actually paying attention to the information he was finding, just on making the process as painful as possible. She let out a cry of anguish. 

_Push me out of your mind. Push me out and the pain will be gone. I can do this all day. I will shred your mind apart unless you push me out._ He wondered if she heard his voice as it sounded through his mask or as it sounded naturally.

He hated the sounds she made, they sounded inhuman through her mask.

But then he was out of her head. And then pushed backwards by her, although her physical form was still kneeling on the ground.

He was filled with pride. It didn’t matter how much pain he’d caused her, because she’d finally used the Force.

He actually offered to help her up, but she scrambled backwards and got to her feet on her own.

He knew he’d put her through ordeal, working her any further today would’ve been cruel, “That was good. Go, rest,” as an after thought he he added, “you can practice dueling tomorrow.”

She walked out of the room without a word.

He turned to face the other Knights and he could feel their dread.

“You accomplish what she did, you get the same deal. If you don’t succeed, well, you’ll probably end up in the med bay for a while.”

It turned out to be the catalyst they all needed.

By the time Snoke called on him, he was genuinely pleased with the progress his Knights has made. Given the limited inherent potential they had and the short amount of training the received, they were surprisingly capable.

Snoke’s version of calling upon him was searing coordinates into his mind.

He immediately collected then Knights of Ren, and this time he was the one responsible for flying the ship — he’d been told that if he revealed the coordinates to anyone, he would experience unimaginable torture.

The minute he stepped aboard he was reminded of his purpose, it was frightening how easily he’d forgotten what his ultimate goal was. He brushed that thought aside, his mission didn’t matter if he didn’t complete his training from the Supreme Leader.

They touched down on the unnamed planet, it was exactly the place he’d pictured Snoke making his home in. It was all storming skies and sharp lifeless terrain. Snoke’s fortress blended almost entirely into it’s surroundings. He was pretty sure he would’ve missed it entirely if it wasn’t for the Supreme Leader’s overwhelming presence that was clearly radiating from there.

He already felt like he was suffocating.

“How many time have you met Snoke?” he was curious how well they knew him.

“Never, we were all bounty hunters recruited by various First Order’s officers at Snoke’s request. We’ve spoken via hologram a few times.”

He nodded, at least they all had some idea of what was coming.

He was made to wait outside Snoke’s main chamber as the Supreme Leader tested his Knights.

Finally, Snoke called him in.

“Kylo Ren, your Knights are admirable. I am immensely pleased with the job you have done training them.”

“Thank you, Supreme Leader.”

“Which is perfect because it’s time for me to continue your training and they are now capable enough to handle basic missions without you.”

He tilted his head politely, actually shocked that he was being separated from them.

“So it’s time for you to select a Second in Command.”

He turned to his Knights, “Zolata Ren, you’re in charge during my absence,” he’d made an effort to learn the baton wielder’s name.

“Thank you, Lord Ren.”

He nodded in her direction.

Snoke now addressed his Knights, “Return to Starkiller, and report to General Hux, he has been supplied with a list of tasks that I need completed.

“Yes Supreme Leader,” they said it in unsettling unison before leaving Kylo alone with Snoke.

“General Hux?” he’d been on Starkiller for a year and had never heard his name mentioned before, and he was apparently trusted enough to be given access to sensitive information by Snoke.

“A young prodigy, much like yourself, although not Force sensitive. He’s quickly risen the ranks and has proven to be as ruthless as you. He was recently given command of the Finalizer and Starkiller by association,”

He merely nodded. The Finalizer was the First Order’s version of the Empire’s Super Star Destroyers. It was being constructed in orbit around Starkiller. Snoke’s decisions made sense, but a rival for Snoke’s trust was unwelcome. His one comfort was that this General was not Force sensitive.

“Your success with the Knights of Ren is truly remarkable, but there seems to be one missing.”

“Yes, we are a Knight down,” he didn't mention that he’d been the one to kill him.

“Normally, the loss of life wouldn’t be of concern to me, but it shows a lack of restraint on your part. You also must not only use the Dark Side to achieve your goals, to use only one side of the Force is to limit yourself. I chose you because you embody both sides.”

The look in Snoke’s eyes told Kylo that what ever was about to happen next would not be enjoyable.

“Your training of the Knights you didn’t kill exemplifies this. You tortured them to bring out their inherent abilities and then showed them mercy so as not to break them completely.”

Snoke still had that predatory look in his eyes, so his praise did not lull Kylo into a false sense of security.

Even so, he was entirely unprepared for the pain that he endured.

He was familiar with the pain of having your mind torn apart, but Snoke did something different, he set his mind on fire. 

Though he wasn’t sure if that was a psychological trick or if that was from getting a face full of lightening.

It was too much. He couldn’t be Kylo right now. He wanted to be Ben. Ben wasn’t being tortured. He chose to be Ben.

The torture stopped.

“So Ben Solo is still alive in there?”

There was no point in lying, “Yes,” his moan of pain distorted by the voice modulator. He felt claustrophobic and wrenched his helmet off to breath in fresh air, before realizing the existence of the helmet was probably what stopped him from dying.

“Rise Kylo Ren.”

It was from sheer will power that he managed to stand and remain that way. Snoke descended down from his throne. From his robes he procured a lightsaber. He ignited one crimson blade, then another.

This was how he died. One year into his mission and he would fail.

Snoke attacked and he barely had the wherewithal to activate his saber to prevent himself from being impaled.

He lasted longer than he thought he would. He was always on the defense and acting on pure instinct. Though he eventually faltered, Snoke sliced him across the chest. He stumbled backwards. The pain of his earlier torture still outweighed a lightsaber burn.

Snoke went in for another potentially fatal stab. He avoided it by turning sideways at the last minute. Though that give Snoke the opportunity to put his other blade to use and slice up his spine.

He fell then. He didn’t have it in him to move, he laid there waiting for Snoke to kill him. He didn’t strike the killing blow, instead he lazily traced across Kylo’s back with his saber, slowly carving in deeper and deeper. He felt Snoke’s saber glide across his rib cage, exposing charred bone. If he kept going he was going to lose a lung. 

He lurched forward, flipping onto his back despite the pain to protect what was left of it.

The Supreme Leader stepped forward. He watched him with surprising apathy as Snoke prepared to stab him through the heart. He didn’t close his eyes. He was going out a failure, he refused to go out as a coward as well. 

Snoke burned him on the expanse of skin that his heart beat just below of. Then he deactivated the blade.

“Well done Kylo Ren.”

Snoke left him there on the chamber floor.

At some point he passed out. When he woke up, he had enough strength to call on the Light Side to Force heal the worst of his injuries. It was shoddy and it was scar badly, but he would live. The ice cold floor of Snoke’s chamber was soothing on his burns and without bacta, it was the best he relief he was going to get. 

That was general theme of training with Snoke. Torture the lesson into him and leave him to himself for a few days as he recuperated enough to handled the next session. Each session he lasted a little bit longer.

Finally, after a year of this Snoke provided him with bacta and said that he was to rest until the Knights of Ren arrived, there was a mission that he was needed on. 

He soon lost count of the number of people he killed or tortured on Snoke’s behalf. Worse still, he looked forward to those missions. If he was killing someone it meant Snoke wasn’t torturing him. If he was torturing someone he wasn’t in pain. He learned to enjoy it.

Usually, after those missions, he was left with Snoke again for more training. But, as the years went on, his training was interrupted more often for those missions, calls from Hux which he was surprisingly included in.

He had taken an immediate dislike for the general. He could tell the feeling was mutual. And then one day Snoke said that he would not train him further for the time being.

It would soon be time for the First Order to come out of the shadows and Snoke sent him to the Finalizer. He couldn’t think of any other reason for this other than Snoke knew that he and the General despised each other.

The actual reason was worse. He was tasked with locating the map to Skywalker.


	6. Chapter 6

Finding the map wasn’t a mission for the Knights of Ren; it was his mission. And Hux’s, it was Hux’s mission as well. He’d delivered his Knights to Snoke for additional training while he was forced to take up residence on the Finalizer with Hux and Hux’s second in command, Captain Phasma who insisted on wearing ridiculous chrome armor. He wasn’t the only once forced onto the Finalizer, the FN-2000 squadron of Stormtroopers were also reassigned along with him.

Strategizing with those two made his job harder. He knew exactly where the map was, well not exactly, but he knew what planet it was on and who had it. 

He could’ve easily found San Tekka through the Force, he could’ve told Hux to go to Jakku. He did neither and instead sat stoically in strategy meetings. The longer he kept Skywalker hidden, the better. 

Kylo wasn’t sure how much Hux knew about his past, but Hux was at least aware that he some kind of connection to the Jedi. Unfortunately that resulted in Hux constantly interrogating him.

Living behind his mask and behind so many lies that he often forgot the truth made those interrogations nuisances more than anything else, but the frequency of them began to make him feel uneasy.

He was fine with the General not liking him, even having a grudge against him, but if he didn’t trust him, didn't have faith in his commitment to the First Order, he would report back to Snoke. If Snoke knew what to look for, Kylo wasn’t convinced he would be able to lie his way out of it.

At Hux’s insistence, they checked out every planet that was believed to be uninhabited and was archived by the Empire to have once been home to at least on Jedi Temple.

Hux’s search for Skywalker was so juvenile that he, an admittedly irrational person, couldn’t believe that this man was the face of the First Order. His frustration that he had to vie for the Supreme Leader’s confidence because of Hux was what made him snap.

“General, what makes think Skywalker would hide a sensitive piece of information on a planet he knew we’d check? You’re not going to find that map on any of the lists you’ve been pouring over.”

“Well given how helpful you’ve been Ren, we had to start somewhere. Do you have a location you’d like to share with us?”

He considered not responding, to just stare down Hux instead. He tilted his head slightly, “Jedha, that’s where Skywalker had set up his new Jedi Order.”

Hux’s face turned beet red, “Why are you just now mentioning Jedha?”

“You never asked,” he deadpanned.

He looked like he might choke on indignation, “I asked you where the map was thousands of times Ren.”

“I don’t know where it is, but if you want any clues as to how to find it, you might as well start at his last known location. Which you didn’t ask me about.”

He was lucky Hux wasn’t Force sensitive or else he would’ve been dead at the man’s feet.

Watching Jedha come into view from the Finalizer’s bridge was a strange sight, certainly one he’d never thought he’d see again.

As they were orbiting the moon, an officer, Lieutenant Mitaka, informed him that he was expected in the hanger to accompany Phasma and her soldiers to the surface.

He clenched his fists, he wasn’t ready to face the carnage at the temple that he would have to callously search through. It’d been 10 years and it still hadn’t been long enough.

He shoved past Mitaka and stalked to the hanger.

They landed at the temple, the element of surprise wasn't necessary.

He honestly didn’t know what to expect as he surveyed the area. On the few occasions he remembered that night, he always imagined the corpses would still look fresh, that they would look up at him with unseeing eyes and he would feel their pain. It was why he’d had all of his other victims cremated - to avoid their gaze.

He hadn’t expected to look down at skeletons. Small skeletons.

He went over to the body that he knew belonged to his first victim. The first boy, the first padawan, the first person he murdered. At whose behest? Snoke’s? Skywalker’s? His own? He no longer knew.

He made sure to crush the skull with his foot as he stepped over the body.

The sickening crunch was deafening and he didn’t have the energy to care about whatever had made Phasma so smug.

Back on the Finalizer, he destroyed a council, slashing it with his saber until it was nothing more than twisted, shredded metal. Phasma found information indicating San Tekka was on Jakku. He’d looked at the padawans he’d slaughtered. He’d crushed one of their exposed skull’s. And he hadn’t cared. He’d been angry. He’d been angry at Skywalker and Snoke for what they made him do. He was angry he let himself be manipulated. But he didn’t care about the others. He was angry and indignant on his behalf, not theirs. 

Hux’s gleeful mood was dampened when Kylo insisted that he be present when they report to Snoke that the location of Lor San Tekka and most likely the map were found. He’d been about to protest when Kylo reminded him that if he hadn’t told the General about Jedha, they never would’ve found it.

“It’s about time you made some progress. Go to Jakku. Find that map, don’t leave any survivors, we don’t need word of this getting out.”

Once alone in his quarters again, he paced, clenching his fists. If he hadn’t snapped at Hux, they wouldn’t have said anything about Jedha, and now they wouldn’t be headed to Jedha. He’d messed up, badly.

For the first time, in a long time he considered reaching out to Luke or his mother, to warn them. He quickly shut down that line of thought. Snoke would be watching him closely from now on. He knew how suspicious it truly seemed that he hadn’t mentioned Jedha immediately.

He did the only thing he could do to maintain his cover, he searched out for San Tekka in the Force.

Though not Force sensitive, he was incredibly spiritual and he’d spent enough time with him as a child to be able to recognize him through the Force, especially because he knew where to look.

He appeared to be in a small technologically limited settlement in the middle of nowhere. He’d traded one hell hole for another. Although, Jakku was a lot hotter than Jedha.

He informed Hux of San Tekka’s location and then left to wait out the remainder of the trip in his shuttle.

He was going to go down with Phasma and her troops, he wouldn’t necessarily have to be the one to kill San Tekka. A trooper could do it.

He knew that was a lie. San Tekka knew what he’d become. He had to be the one to kill him, he owed him that.

Time passed too quickly, and he soon had Lor San Tekka roughly shoved into the dirt at his feet.

“Look how old you've become.”

“Something far worse has happened to you.”

You have no idea old man, he thought. “You know what I've come for.”

“I know where you come from. Before you called yourself Kylo Ren.”

He cut him off, his past wasn’t public knowledge, and it needed to remain that way, “The map to Skywalker. We know you’ve found it, and now you're going to give it to the First Order.”

“The First Order rose from the dark side... you did not.”

The old man didn’t know when to shut up, “I'll show you the dark side.”

“You may try, but you cannot deny the truth that is your family.”

He ignited his saber. His family, the ones that had put together, killed hundreds of thousands of people. “You’re so right,” his contributions to the body count were modest in comparison. He cut San Tekka down, his secrets dying with him.

A blaster fired in the distance, he immediately swung around, freezing the bolt and the man it had come from in place.

He kneeled to look at that man who’d been forced to his knees, he tilted his head slightly.

“So who talks first? You talk first?”

His captive had decided to be witty.

“The old man gave it to you.”

Gesturing towards his face, the man said, “It's just very hard to understand you with all the…apparatus.”

No it wasn’t, it just made it so that he didn't have to recognize his own voice.

“Search him,” he commanded the stormtroopers holding the man in place.

“Nothing sir.”

“Put him on board,” if the man had any sense he would’ve hidden it somewhere and the sooner the First Order left Jakku, the sooner the map would be safe again.

Phasma smoothly walked up to him, “Sir, the villagers?”

Remembering Snoke’s instructions he said, “Kill them all.”

Amidst the blaster fire he felt a ripple of rebellion, he looked for the source. It was a stormtrooper, holding his weapon ineffectually.

He stared, torn between being impressed and angry that this trooper, FN-2187 who wasn’t anywhere near as important as him got to keep his conscious clean while he murdered on the behalf of others for the “greater good.”

It wasn’t worth his effort to do anything about the trooper, instead he released the blaster bolt from it’s static position to scare FN-2187.

Aboard the Finalizer, he was informed by Hux that the man they’d taken prisoner was Poe Dameron, a Resistance pilot. 

Secretly he was pleased, the Resistance knew the First Order was after the map. He had mixed feelings about being set to interrogate the pilot, he didn’t want to know what happened to the map, but this pilot was who he could’ve been. He could’ve been a Resistance pilot. Instead he was Kylo Ren. He wanted his alternate self to feel his pain.

“I had no idea we had the best pilot in the Resistance on board,” remembering the pilot’s earlier attempts at humor, he added, “Comfortable?”

“Not really.”

“I'm impressed. No one has been able to get out of you what you did with the map.”

“Might wanna rethink your technique.”

He reached his hand out, he was going to enjoy this, and pulled at his mind, “Where is it?”

The pilot gasped through clenched teeth, “ The Resistance will not be intimidated by you.”

“Where is it?”

The pilot screamed.

He exited the interrogation room, Hux had been waiting for him, “It's in a droid. A BB unit.”

“Well then. If it's on Jakku, we’ll soon have it.”

“I leave that to you,” he stalked off.

It wasn't long before he was back on the bridge, the hanger a complete disaster. There had been a prisoner escape

“General Hux. Is it the Resistance pilot?

“Yes, and he had help. From one of our own. We're checking the registers now to identify which Stormtrooper it was.”

He already knew, “The one from the village. FN- 2187.”

Hux had sent troops to receive the droid from Jakku. He was staring at a control panel, debating whether or not to destroy it, he couldn’t stand just waiting to see what happened. He needed to know if the map was his or if it was gone for good.

Lieutenant Mitaka cleared his throat uncomfortably, “Sir. We were unable to acquire the droid on Jakku… It escaped capture aboard a stolen Corellian YT model freighter.”

“The droid... stole a freighter?” Not a Corellian freighter. Anything but that. Not that ship. His father couldn’t be involved.

“Not exactly, sir. It had help… We have no confirmation, but we believe FN-2187 may have been helped in the escape-“

He snapped then, slashing the panel apart. The trooper had no right to be the one to deliver the droid to the Resistance. If he did, all of Kylo’s work, all of the pain would’ve been for nothing.

“Anything else?”

“The two were accompanied by a girl.”

“What girl?”

It had to be the girl from Jakku, the one Skywalker told him about. She was supposed to stay on Jakku until the right time. Turns out nothing was going to go his way.


	7. Chapter 7

As much as he loathed Hux, he was glad that the Supreme Leader had requested the presence of them both. He knew he’d screwed up by not telling Hux about Jedha sooner and leaving Jakku without even searching the area, but if Snoke was also angry at Hux, he wouldn't be tortured and his secret was still safe. 

Snoke didn’t make any pleasantries, “The droid will soon be delivered to the Resistance... Leading them to the last Jedi. If Skywalker returns, the new Jedi will rise.”

“Supreme Leader, I take full responsibility for th-“

“General! Our strategy must now change.”

“The weapon. It is ready. I believe the time has come to use it. We shall destroy the government that supports the Resistance, the Republic. Without their friends to protect them, the Resistance will be vulnerable, and we will stop them before they reach Skywalker.” Hux had been desperate to use Starkiller, now that it was operational, he’d been looking for an excuse to use a star system as target practice.

“Go. Oversee preparations.”

“Yes, Supreme Leader,” Hux turned on his heal and exited the room. Kylo forced himself to stay rooted to the spot, to not stop him. 

No. That…that wasn’t how it was supposed to go. He’d stalled finding Skywalker because without him removed as a threat, Snoke wouldn’t do something as reckless as to actually attack the New Republic outright. He was supposed to prevent this from happening. He’d failed. He clenched his fists tightly.

“There's been an awakening. Have you felt it?”

“Yes,” there had been a disturbance in the Force, but he couldn’t focus on that now.

“There's something more. The droid we seek is aboard the Millennium Falcon. In the hands of your father, Han Solo.”

His heart sunk. As soon as Mitaka said the droid was on a Cornelian Freighter he knew it was the Falcon, he knew he would have to face his father. He’d still hoped that there had been a mistake in the report, that his father had lost the ship gambling. Now his fate was sealed. 

“He means nothing to me.”

“Even you, master of the Knights of Ren, have never faced such a test.”

“By the grace of your training, I will not be seduced.”

If Snoke were to ever figure out his motives it was now, when his entire plan came crumbling down and he was faced with the fact that trillions of people were about to die and it was going to be his fault. 

“We shall see. We shall see.”

Snoke excused him and he felt like he could finally breath again. Snoke couldn’t find out that he was planning to betray him, not now.

He strode back to his quarters to do something he hadn't done in a long time. He knelt near his Grandfather’s mask, he needed to remember his goal. He couldn’t let this admittedly, huge set back ruin the plan, he couldn’t let the pull to the light make him weak. He needed to complete his mission, no matter the cost. 

“Forgive me. I feel it again. The pull to the light. Supreme Leader senses it. Show me again, the power of the darkness, and I will let nothing stand in our way. Show me, Grandfather, and I will finish what you started.”

His com went off, Starkiller was ready to fire. He stalked back to the bridge, to witness the destruction of the Hosnian System.

He watched stoically as red streaked through space, past the Finalizer.

His head roared as he felt all of those lives suddenly end. The silence left behind was deafening.

The fear that everything he’d done, all of it had been for nothing threatened to crush him.

He didn’t have time to wallow in his own despair though, he was sent to lead the troops dispatched to Takodana to intercept the droid.

Dread weighed down his every step. He wasn’t ready to see his father, or even worse, his mother.

Thankfully, the droid took precedence, so when he was told it was seen in the woods with a girl he gladly went after her.

It didn't take long to find her, her fear was palpable and he was able to follow it past the bodies of fallen storm troopers.

He ignited his saber, she was a good shot and he wasn’t about to take risks. But her concentration evaporated as he came into her view. The flight part of her fight or flight response finally kicked in and she desperately tried to keep distance between them as he advanced. 

He could feel the terror emanating off of her. But there was something else in there too.

He was tired of playing games and he froze her in place. 

She struggled against the hold her had her in. He knew he was causing her discomfort, pain even, as he rifled through her superficial thoughts and memories.

“The girl I've heard so much about… The droid… Where is it?”

He paused, she was terrified of him, but she also recognized him. He knew for a fact that he’d never seen her before in his life. This had to be the girl Skywalker told him about. Intrigued, he went to delve further, but caught a glimpse of a star chart.

“… The map. You've seen it.”

Before he could glean anything else, he was interrupted by a trooper.

“Sir, Resistance fighters! We need more troops.”

He had the map, he didn’t need the BB unit, and now he had an excuse to leave it for the Resistance to find. He waved his hand, careful to catch the girl as she fell limp.

“Pull the division out. Forget the droid. We have what we need.”

Despite the offers, he refused to let any of the troopers touch her, let alone carry her. If he let her out of his sight, even for a second there was a good chance she would be taken to have the information tortured out of her. She didn't deserve that, he could tell she’d been through more than enough. 

There was no denying she was strong; he could see the muscle through her arm wraps, but she was malnourished, he could count her ribs. And beneath her tan he could see bruises and scars. 

He skimmed through her mind. Her name was Rey and she was a scavenger. He could feel the Force within her, pure but hidden. He wanted to know more. He wanted to know who she was. But he couldn’t bring himself to invade her mind further. 

He’d have to do it eventually, but for now, he let her sleep.

He accepted the troopers’ help getting her into a detention cell and strapped down solely because refusing it would raise Hux’s suspicions.

He watched her as she slept, opting to let her wake on her own instead of wrenching her out of unconsciousness.

He could feel something deep within him relax as he remained crouched in front of her, hands hanging loosely over his knees. He was almost comfortable and he 

made no effort to move when she woke up.

“Where am I?

“You're my guest.”

“Where are the others?”

“You mean the murderers, traitors and thieves you call friends? You'll be relieved to hear that I have no idea… You still want to kill me.”

“That happens when you're being hunted by a creature in a mask.”

He didn’t know what possessed him to do something so idiotic. The desire to connect? to have someone know he wasn’t truly a monster? to have someone other than Snoke see his adult face?

He took off the mask and put it down harshly, stepping towards her.

“Tell me about the droid.”

“He's a BB unit with a selenium drive and a thermal hyperscan vindicator —“

He bit back a laugh.

“He's carrying a section of a navigational chart. We have the rest, recovered from archives of the Empire. We need the last piece,” he paused, trying to figure out what to say next. 

"And somehow, you convinced the droid to show it to you. You. A scavenger…” he knew he was being cruel. “You know I can take whatever I want.”

She said nothing. His patience was gone and he reached out into her mind.

“...You're so lonely... so afraid to leave… At night, desperate to sleep... you imagine an ocean. I see it — I see the island… And Han Solo.” She’d seen his father, he’d offered to let her stay. “You feel like he’s the father you never had. He would’ve disappointed you.”

“Get. Out. Of. My. Head,” she bit out through clenched teeth. He was impressed by how well she was keeping him at bay.

“I know you've seen the map. It's in there... and now you'll give it to me.” He pulled at her mine harder and something between them gave way. “Don’t be afraid. I feel it too.”

“I'm not giving you anything,” tears were streaming down her face. 

Good, someone else should feel the pain he has to live with everyday.

“We'll see.”

He was straining himself, he’d stretched his defenses thin and she slipped through them. He’d wanted someone else to share his pain, he hadn’t wanted someone else to know the cause of his pain.

“… You... you're afraid... that you will never be as strong as... Darth Vader!

He ran.

Unfortunately, running from her meant running to Snoke. And Hux.

“This scavenger, resisted you?!”

“She's strong with the Force, untrained but, stronger than she knows,” she’s good, she could be his ally, he didn’t have to do this alone anymore.

“And the droid?”

Kylo Ren hesitated, he didn’t want to reveal the truth, it could make the Supreme Leader doubt his commitment.

“Ren believed it was no longer valuable to us. That the girl was all we needed. As a result, the droid has most likely been returned to the hands of the enemy. They may have the map already.

“Then the Resistance must be destroyed before they get to Skywalker.”

“We have their location. We tracked their reconnaissance ship to the Ileenium system.”

“Good. Then we will crush them once and for all. Prepare the weapon.”

“Supreme Leader. I can get the map from the girl. I just need your guidance,” he was desperate now, he couldn’t be accountable for the decimation of another star system, he couldn’t be accountable for his parents’ deaths, he’d ruined enough in their lives.

“If what you say about this girl is true, bring her to me.”

He wanted to say no. He didn’t want to bring Rey to him. She was good, he could use her, bringing her to Snoke meant either her destruction or his own. But he couldn’t disobey a direct order. He couldn’t question Snoke. He left to go get her.

He wasn’t surprised to find that she was gone, but he was still enraged. She got to leave this nightmare, while he had to stay and take the fall for her escape.

He’d messed up too many times in quick succession. The trust he’d built with the Supreme Leader was mow on thin ice. Whatever Snoke had planned for him next, be it his own torture or another’s, it was going to be horrific and he wouldn’t hesitate or object, no matter what it was.


	8. Chapter 8

He stalked through the halls of the base fury emanating off of him, not only was the missing scavenger a huge liability, his father was on the planet. He could sense both of them, but they weren’t together, not yet. 

The girl was his priority, he needed to figure out just how much she knew about him, if she knew enough to ruin him. If he got to her, he wouldn’t have to face his father.

Still, he couldn’t help himself, he took a squadron of snow troopers to the Falcon. He fought off memories that threatened to overtake him as he gripped onto the pilot’s chair in the cockpit. He quickly left, he still needed to find the girl.

But he was too late. His father reached her first and the relief they both felt filled him with jealousy. She had no right to view him as a father when he’d barely been one to his own son.

He didn’t have the luxury to dwell in bitter memories though, he needed his father to get the hell off this planet, before he would be forced to confront him.

His heart sank as he realized where they were going. He’d ignored the fact that there was no way his father was leaving the planet without blowing up something crucial to the weapon’s ability to destroy the system his mother was in. 

His father wasn’t on a rescue mission, he was going to Precinct 47 to destroy the thermal oscillator, which meant Kylo was going there as well. 

He had to, despite the compulsion to turn and run. To run away and never look back. He could see it happening. Instructing the troopers to find the Scavenger and his father while he commandeered the Falcon and left. 

And yet, when he gave the instruction to the troopers, he didn’t leave. He walked out onto the bridge spanning the deep chasm in the middle. He would never understand why there wasn’t a railing.

There was no reason for his father to come out of hiding. He didn’t have to see him, didn’t have to face him. Didn’t have to prove his loyalty to Snoke.

He was halfway across.

“BEN!”

He paused. So did the troopers, waiting to follow his signal. He slowly turned to face his father who had stepped onto the bridge.

He wanted to tell his father to go back, to leave, instead he said “Han Solo. I've been waiting for this day for a long time.” 

“Take off that mask. You don't need it.”

“What do you think you'll see if I do?”

“The face of my son.”

No, you’ve never seen this face. This is the face of man, a stranger, a monster. 

He took his helmet off, let his father see how far gone he was. “Your son is gone. He was weak and foolish, like his father. So I destroyed him.”

“That's what Snoke wants you to believe but it's not true. My son is alive,” his Father stepped closer.

“No. The Supreme Leader is wise,” he’d said those words to himself so many times he almost believed them.

“Snoke is using you for your power. When he gets what he wants, he’ll crush you — you know it's true.”

“It's too late.”

“No it's not. Leave here with me. Come home. We miss you.”

Home. He didn’t know where that was, but more than anything he wanted to say yes, to leave with his father. But he couldn’t abandon his mission, not after everything “I’m being torn apart. I want to be free of this pain… I know what I have to do, but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it. Will you help me?” 

Ashamed of the tears pricking his eyes, he unclipped his saber, extending it towards his father who gripped it. For the first time in over a decade he looked his father in the eyes.

“Yes. Anything.”

Before he could think it through. Before sentiment took over. Before he could give into the light. He ignited the saber. It went through his father so easily. He finally realized how old his father had gotten. 

“Thank you.”

It was done. It was over. He couldn’t turn back. The light was silenced, he could finish his mission and be at peace.

His father brought a hand up to his cheek and stroked it as he fell to his death. The first kind touch he’d received in a long time.

He crumbled. He’d murdered his father. And in his last moment he’d forgiven his son, let him know that he’d loved him. 

He felt empty. There was no way in his mind. Both sides left him and he was left alone in his despair. He needed to put his helmet back on before tears could actually fall.

He never got the chance. Instead there was a howl that didn’t belong to him and he was hit in the abdomen by a bowcaster that could have only belonged to his father’s Wookiee compatriot. All hell broke loose as he dropped to his knee in pain.

He looked up, teeth clenched, to see the Traitor and the Scavenger looking down in horror as they turned to leave. 

And fury replaced pain and heartbreak. This was their fault. They were the reason he was here. He stood himself back up and took after them, leaving his helmet behind.

They were heading back to the Falcon, and he was going to cut them off and then cut them down. 

He heard them approaching, panting as they stumbled over the snowy terrain, and he ignited his saber.

He heard them take a collective gasp.

“We're not done yet.”

“You're a monster!” the Scavenger was livid. She had no right to be angry, this was her fault.

“It's just us now. Han Solo can’t save you.”

The pain from the gaping wound in his side surged unexpectedly, he pounded on it with his fist focusing himself. He watched their eyes trail down to see his blood staining the snow. He was slowly bleeding out.

The Scavenger reached for the blaster at her side, before she had it in her grip he’d flung her in the air, her body making a sickening crack as she crashed into a tree.

The Traitor had the audacity to turn his back on him and run after the scavenger

“Rey! Rey! Rey...Rey...Oh no. Oh no no no…” 

Rey, the Scavenger’s name was Rey. No that wasn’t important, she was just a scavenger, a scavenger that had ruined everything. And FN-2187 was the one who’d led his father here, that…“TRAITOR!”

FN-2187 looked at him from his position by the Scavenger and unclipped something from his belt, something that he hadn’t even noticed before. 

Standing to face Kylo, the Traitor ignited a blue lightsaber. Anakin Skywalker’s lightsaber. He wasn’t worthy to even carry it, much less use it.

“That lightsaber. It belongs to me!”

“Come get it.”

He charged at the Traitor, using heavy one handed swings. He was enjoying this, simply toying with him, still he had to periodically bang on his wound to keep himself moving.

To his surprise, the Traitor actually managed to swipe his bicep, he turned, hissing in pain. It was time to end this. He punched the Traitor, sending the Skywalker blade flying leaving FN-2187’s back exposed. He employed a technique Snoke enjoyed using on him, instead of killing him he swiped his saber up the traitor’s spine, shredding it and causing him to collapse.

Breathing hard, he clipped his saber to his belt and outstretched his hand, calling for the Skywalker blade. It didn’t move. His grip on the Force was slippery. He tugged harder and had to lurch out of the way to avoid getting hit in the face when it went flying past him into the Scavenger’s grip.

No, it was supposed to be his. She’d already taken his father, she wasn’t going to take this as well. But he could tell the blood loss was getting to him, he swayed unsteadily and his fury had cooled to a quiet rage. 

Still, he couldn’t help but stare in awe at the Scavenger.

“It is you,” he breathed out quietly, there was no doubt in his mind that this was the girl Skywalker had told him about.

But she didn't know him.

He couldn’t bring himself to want to kill her anymore. He’d killed enough of Skywalker’s students.

So it was with reluctance that after she ignited her saber that he finally reignited his.

She lunged towards him, jabbing with the saber, she was evidently used to wielding a staff.

He soon had her running away from him. He was careful with her, he measured his swings and didn’t take advantage of the openings she left for him. 

It was harder to avoid harming the person trying to kill him than he thought it would be. 

It didn't matter though, he soon had her precariously balanced on the edge of a chasm in the earth.

He considered pushing her over the edge; he could do it, easily.

But the last time he’d been this close to another person without a mask on was his father. He couldn’t do it again. He decided to reach out to her instead. To connect with someone, anyone.

“You need a teacher! I can show you the ways of the Force!”

He bored his eyes into hers; he could see rivets of sweat pouring down her forehead.

A look of wonderment crossed her face as she whispered, “The Force,” before closing her eyes.

The remained closed a beat longer than he’d expected and when she opened them he realized his mistake. 

Before she’d been fighting for her life. Now she was fighting for revenge. It was a glorious sight, but he was getting increasingly weaker and was losing ground to her. 

He caught her arm as she raised hers to swing the saber down on him, but she caught his as he’d swung up.

They were locked with one another and she was driving his unstable saber into the ground. 

He either had to save his saber and get hit by her in the process or allow it to combust and have to try to fight her without a weapon.

He saved his blade. She swiped at him and he went down.

She seemed astonished to see him push himself back up. But she’d already won. And slashed him across the face, in a swing that caught his shoulder and lightsaber along the way.

He was in the process of getting back up as she circled him, teeth barred waiting to deal the killing blow. 

But the Force intervened, breaking the ground between them apart. He kept his raised and watched her extinguish the blade before running into the trees. Once she was out of sight he let his head fall back and allowed himself to succumb to the blood loss.


	9. Chapter 9

He hadn’t expected to wake up. When he felt himself lose consciousness, he’d assumed that that was the end. Starkiller was crumbling around him, there shouldn’t have been anyway for him to survive — no one knew where he was.

Still, he regained consciousness. And it was so painful that he almost passed out again, but instead he choked on the tube that had been stuck down his throat when he’d been stuck in the bacta tank.

He could see the blurry outline of a med droid coming to help him.

Once out of the bacta, he was left to dress himself. He’d been left in long enough for his injuries to heal enough that he wasn’t in danger of bleeding internally, but the starburst shaped wound would scar badly and his entire body was sore.

He spotted his helmet in the corner of the room. He didn’t remember having it with him when he’d lost consciousness of Starkiller, he caught a glimpse of his face in the glean of his mask. 

He’d forgotten about his face. Raising the helmet up to examine his face more closely he saw how the scar trailed down his forehead, across his eye, down his cheek, hitting his jaw, his neck, and finishing as it crossed his shoulder.

It was thin, but still obviously visible. 

She’d marked him.

He put the helmet down. He didn’t want to look at himself, he didn’t want to be reminded of that day, of why she’d given him that scar.

He pulled a tunic over his head, effectively hiding the lower part of the scar and the entirety of the bowcaster wound. 

“I’m amazed you’re still alive. I thought for sure when we found you, you’d be dead by the time we got you any medical attention.”

Hux, of course Snoke sent Hux to berate him. He didn't turn around to look at him.

Normally he would’ve risen to the bait, instead he just asked, “How did you find me?”

“Snoke requested that I add a tracking advice to your belt.”

He nodded grimly.

“Why so quiet Ren? Did the Scavenger cut your tongue out along with the scar she left across your face?”

“Did you recover my lightsaber?”

“We recovered what was left of it, if that’s what you mean.”

“Where did you put it?”

“It’s in your quarters along with your belt.”

Kylo picked up his helmet again, locking it in place over his head, finally turning to look at Hux, “I need parts to build a new saber, have someone deliver them to my quarters immediately.”

He pushed past Hux before he had a chance to come up with a witty retort and quickly made his way to his room. 

Once inside and alone, he wrenched off his helmet, tossing it aside.

He went to his meditation chamber and picked up Vader’s helmet. Staring into the soulless eyes he felt nothing. No pull by the Force in either direction. He’d committed patricide and instead of being enshrouded by the Dark, he’d been spit out by both sides. He’d been abandoned. 

That uncontrollable anger welled up inside him, but with no weapon to destroy his surroundings with he settled for screaming. 

He tightly gripped Vader’s helmet in his hands. And then gripped it tighter still. Finally he’d broken the helmet into pieces.

Howling, he chucked the pieces at the walls, hard enough to leave dents.

Looking down, he noticed his hands were bleeding. He curled his hands into fists, allowing his fingers to dig into the gashes in his palms, relishing in the pain.

He felt himself calm down, the pain allowing him to focus. 

He heard a timid knock on the door, he stormed out of his meditation chamber, hastily slammed his helmet back on and opened the door for the surprisingly brave Mitaka. He’d choked the man the last time they were face to face and here he was, delivering him the tools and parts he needed to build a new saber.

He grabbed the supplies out of the lieutenant’s hands. If he noticed Kylo’s bleeding palms he wisely said nothing.

“Thank you, Lieutenant.”

Shock flashed across his face, “You're welcome,” he stammered.

Kylo shut the door in his face.

He dumped the supplies in a heap on the floor of his mediation chamber before returning to the main room to remove his helmet and retrieve his kyber crystal.

As he constructed a new cross guard hilt for the cracked red crystal, he allowed himself to wonder about what happened to his original green saber. He didn’t know if it was still on Jedha, he didn't even know if the saber was still in one piece or if it had been picked apart.

Hours later, judging by the way the blood seeping from his palms had crusted over, he had a new saber.

He made sure it was securely clipped to his belt before retrieving some bacta to spread on his hands. Once he’d attended to his hands, he slid his worn leather gloves back on along with his cloak, donned his helmet, and finally reached out to Snoke through the Force.

He’d underestimated just how angry Snoke would be. The second he reached out, he was greeted with a blinding pain blossoming just behind his eyes.

_Kylo Ren, it’s been far too long since we last spoke._

_I’m sorry Supreme Leader, I was rebuilding my lightsaber, it was—_

_Sliced in half by that untrained scavenger girl when she cleaved your face in two._

_Yes…_

_Did Hux not tell you that you were to come to me immediately to complete your training?_

_No._

_Very well, I expect the two of you to depart for me immediately._

_Yes, Supreme Leader._

Snoke released his vice like grip on his mind but the aftereffects, which usually hung around for hours after, remained as he stormed towards the bridge.

“Hux!” he barked.

“Ren, I knew the silence was too good to last.”

“The Supreme Leader requests our presence immediately,” he was pleased to see the smug look slide off of Hux’s face.

He quickly turned on his heel and quickly left for the hanger, leaving Hux to catch up to him.

“Ren, where are you going?”

“To my shuttle, or do you need me to pilot for you as well?”

“Your shuttle was on Starkiller.”

“And?”

“Are you really that dense? It was destroyed along with the rest of planet.”

He tried to reign in his rage, he couldn’t attack Hux, “What did you say?”

“I said your shuttle was destroyed.”

“I want an exact replica built as a replacement,” he snapped.

“It’s construction, although it shouldn’t be a priority, is already underway. But for now, we have to take mine.”

Kylo walked in step with the General in stony silence. 

Once onboard, Kylo made a beeline for the cockpit, he was stopped by Hux’s grip on his arm.

He slowly turned to face him, “What?”

“You are not piloting. I don’t even know when you last slept or ate and I’m not risking you doing something idiotic and destroying one of our few remaining ships.”

He sat down silently. Hux had a point, he hadn’t slept in a while and he likely wouldn’t be able to once they got to Snoke.

He decided to sleep until they arrived on the planet Snoke inhabited. 

His sleep was plagued with nightmares of him murdering his father, of dreams of what could’ve been, but worst of all of the Scavenger and the island from her dreams. Wherever she was, she was probably with Skywalker.

Skywalker, he hated Skywalker more than anyone, more than Snoke. The only person he hated more than Skywalker was himself.

He and Hux departed the ship together, a silent truce between them that they would each take responsibility for their personal failings, not place any blame on the other, and wouldn’t incriminate one another for things Snoke didn't know about. A silent truce to make sure they both made it out of their meeting with Snoke alive.

Hux went in first. He didn’t look good when he came back out. He was a sickly color, bleed profusely from a broken nose, and looked petrified. 

Kylo reached his hand and used the Force to reset Hux’s nose, they exchanged nods, and Hux left while he entered Snoke’s chamber’s to endure an extended period of torture.

“It seems like you and General Hux have finally come to a mutual understanding.”

Kylo inclined his head.

“Unfortunately, it took the destruction of a weapon decades in the making, since the very first drawings of the Death Star, to happen.”

“Both Hux and I accept entire and equal responsibility for the destruction of Starkiller.”

“No! Starkiller was Hux’s responsibility, yours was the map to Skywalker. And not only did you fail to retrieve it, you allowed the Resistance to get ahold of it. And now that scavenger you were so fond of is now training with the last Jedi.”

“I know.”

“But you haven’t completely failed me. You killed Han Solo, cutting the last tie you, Kylo Ren, had to Ben Solo.”

“Yes, Supreme Leader.”

“I sense the conflict within you is gone. Is that true?”

“Yes. I am free,” it wasn’t a lie. He was no longer being torn apart by the Force, it was up to him which side he was on.

“Good, there is no going back for you Kylo Ren.”

There wasn’t, there wasn’t any point in fighting it anymore, he no longer had the pull to the light torturing him, Skywalker had an actual hero to train. He was too far gone, and he wanted to make Skywalker pay for what he’d forced him to become.

“I know.”

“And so it is time to complete your training.”

“Yes, Supreme Leader.”

He thought the torture he went through when he began training with Snoke was unbearable, this was something else entirely.

But he no longer tried to hide within Ben Solo. Ben Solo was gone. He relished the torture. It was what he deserved. It let him feel the Dark Side, which much like the Light, had been absence in his use of the Force since he murdered Han Solo.

Training was as grueling as it was before. But he enjoyed it. He enjoyed the pain because he could feel his connection to the Dark growing. Could feel himself becoming stronger. Could feel Snoke have to put increased effort into overpowering him when they dueled. It filled with him pride.

But at night, the nightmares were endless. There was Han Solo caressing his cheek as he fell to his death and the Scavenger. Always the Scavenger.

As he grew stronger, so did she. He hated her. He hated dreaming of her. It was a reminder of what he could’ve had, could’ve been. And he wanted to destroy her.

Meditating became impossible because of the whispers in the back of his mind that sounded distinctly like her.

He followed the whispers through the void of his mind, until he wasn’t in his mind anymore, he was in hers. 

He wasn’t supposed to be there. This wasn’t supposed to be possible. He quickly fell back into his own mind.

He wanted to throw up additional mental defenses, but the Supreme Leader would notice and would question him.

He wasn’t ready for that. Not yet. He wanted to explore this connection between them on his own first.


	10. Chapter 10

He dreamt of her every night, and he hated her for it more every time he woke up. But she wasn’t the Scavenger anymore, she was Rey and she was exquisite.

He was once again torn. There was a deep well of anger within her that he wanted possess, he wanted to possess her. Yet, every fiber of his being rebelled at the thought because more than wanting her, he wanted to take away her pain, wanted her to be free of whatever burdens Skywalker placed upon her. He didn’t want her to turn into him.

In spite of her rage, her hurt, her bitterness, she was good. Only his desire to not taint her with his darkness stopped him from pulling at that tether connecting them.

Still, the temptation remained and restraint was not a skill he possessed. 

So when he was given a rare reprieve from Snoke’s training he caved, tugging on his end of their bond.

_Rey._

He could sense her bewilderment, but she didn’t respond.

_Rey!_

“Who are you? What do you want?”

He couldn’t stop himself, he laughed, she’d actually spoken aloud, as if he was really next to her.

_You know who I am. You’ve been dreaming of me, just like I’ve been dreaming of you._

He felt her dawning realization.

_No. Get out! Get out of my head!_

_I’m not in your head…_

_Then how? How are you talking to me, how do you know that I’ve been d-_

She cut herself short of admitting that she’d dreamt of him.

_Can’t you feel it?_

_Feel what?_ she growled.

_This bond between us. I told you not to be afraid, that I felt it too._

_We are not bonded. Now get out of my head._

_Again, not in your head. But I’ll leave you alone, just ask your master what a Force Bond is._

He was training with Snoke when Rey barged into his mind, causing him to falter.

_Get out!_ he bellowed at her. 

_Oh, so you get to be in my mind, but I’m not allowed in yours?_

_You don’t want to be here for this._

Before Rey could get another word in, Snoke hit him with Force Lightening, punishment for his lapse in focus.

Seconds or hours could have passed by the time Snoke finally left him collapsed on the ground.

He felt a tentative tug on the bond.

He responded in kind, an affirmation that yes he was still alive.

_Why does it matter if I’m dead or not?_

_Your mother deserves to know if her murderous, patricidal son has died._

_And here I thought you were worried about me._

_No, I just want to be the one to kill you, to avenge Han._

He felt his blood boil, how dare she bring up his father. _You know nothing Scavenger,_ he spat across the bond, shutting her out soon after.

The desire to prevent her from turning into him evaporated, he wanted her to know his pain.

But that had to wait. He peeled himself off of the cold chamber floor and staggered back to the room Snoke allowed him to stay in. 

He couldn’t concentrate on anything. His body ached, his head was throbbing from when he’d smacked it on the stone floor, but none of that compared the knot his heart had twisted itself into. He couldn’t breathe, he just kept picturing what happened on the bridge, watching his father plummet forever. 

He was going to be sick.

And then he cried. For the first time since he was a child, he truly cried. Regret threatened to consume him and he let it. The nightmare he’d had as a boy was finally a reality.

He knew of Rey— no the Scavenger — the Scavenger’s hardships and loneliness, but at least her mind had been her own, she hadn’t been manipulated into following such a dark and painful path. Her life had been hard, but it hadn’t been horrifying. She hadn’t been molded into a monster from day one.

She had no right to judge him. She didn’t know what it was like to be one, so he showed her.

Through their bond he sent her his memory of his father’s death, careful to keep his true emotions towards the event from her.

He felt her revulsion. _You’re vile, Han was twice the man you could ever dream of being._

_Of course not Scavenger, you said so yourself, I’m a creature in a mask, a monster._

_That’s exactly my point._

_We’re only a product of our environments, Scavenger._

_Your good family didn’t turn you into this; you did that all on your own._

_Skywalker didn’t tell you, did he?_

_He told me everything I needed to know._

_What you need to know and what the truth is are very different things from a certain point of view._

His attention was drawn elsewhere before she could respond.

_Kylo Ren, come to me at once._

_Yes Supreme Leader._

It was due to pure conditioning that his muscle began to seize up as soon as he entered Snoke’s chamber and he had to actively force himself to relax.

“You’ve been keeping secret from me.”

“I have?” he played dumb, Snoke couldn’t have possibly found out about his mission, he would’ve noticed him shredding though his mind.

“Yes, it appears you have a bond with this scavenger of yours.”

“I didn’t mean for it to be a secret; I was just testing it,” he hoped it came out more like a statement than a question.

“Mhmm, and what have you found out from your ‘testing’?”

“It appears to be a Force bond, she’s training with Skywalker, and she knows exactly who I am.”

“Then you must find her and eliminate her as a threat.”

Part of him recoiled, he wanted her to suffer, to understand his pain, but he didn’t want to kill her.

“You have compassion for her still?”

“I… no… she could be a valuable asset.”

“If you can capture her alive, do so. If you can’t, make sure she’s dead. The same goes for Skywalker.”

“Yes Supreme Leader.”

“Now go. I’ll call on you to return when I need you.”

“Understood Supreme Leader,” he quickly bowed and exited. 

He reached out through the Force to find his second in command.

_Gather the of the Knights and come retrieve me from Snoke’s fortress._

_Yes Lord Ren. Why now though?_

_The Supreme Leader has a mission for us._

With his Knights on the way, he needed to figure out where the Scavenger was.

He had no leads. Before Starkiller, that pleased him, now it was just hindrance. His best option was to go directly to the source and hope she gave something crucial up.

_Where are you Scavenger?_

There was silence across the bond, but he could still sense her. Her annoyance was just as identifiable as her silver presence in the Force. Finally, she responded, _my name is Rey._

 _I know you found your island, the one from your dreams._ She was actually still on it, peering at her surroundings through her eyes he realized she was stargazing. He could feel her wonderment at seeing new constellations.

_How could you possibly know that?_

_Because now it haunts my dreams instead of yours. Now tell me where you are, Scavenger._

_It’s Rey._

_I wasn’t under the impression we were on first name basis, you didn’t seem to appreciate it before._

_We’re not, but considering I never had the luxury of knowing my last name, unlike you, it’ll have to do._

_Rey, tell me where you are._

_Why would I ever tell you that?_

_Because you’re right, I haven’t appreciated by family and it’s high time we reconnected._

_You think I would put Luke’s life in danger like that?_

_Given how long you survived as a Scavenger on a desert planet, I'm sure there’s very little you’re not capable of given the right motivation._

_I won’t betray him, I’m not like you._

He couldn’t stop his anger and jealously bleeding through the bond. She was replacing him. She was taking his family and turning it into her own, and they welcomed her.

_The only reason you weren’t one of the younglings I slaughtered the night I betrayed Skywalker was because he’d already hidden you away on that backwater planet you were so afraid to leave._

_You’re lying,_ her voice trembled across the bond, betraying the conviction of her statement.

_You were the only child he deemed worthy of saving and he abandoned you in a desert before hiding like a coward wherever you are now for the next 10 years, leaving the rest for me to cut down._

_No, Luke is a good teacher, a good person. He wouldn’t do that._

_What reason could I possibly have to lie to you Rey?_

_What possible reason could you have had to murder your own father in cold blood?_

_One that Skywalker has evidently decided you are not privy to._

_Stop trying to corrupt me._

_I don’t want to corrupt you, I want to prove that you’ll corrupt yourself all on your own if you’re forced to make the decisions I’ve had to make._

_You weren’t forced, you chose. And I won’t choose to do what you’ve done._

_You’ll find that after one forced decision, any that follow are forced by extension._

_Only if you’re weak._

_Tell me where to find you and you’re welcome to prove me wrong._

_I’m choosing not to make that decision and instead deciding to keep my location a secret._

He genuinely laughed at that and he could tell she was disarmed by him eliciting such a human reaction. 

_Don’t forget Rey, people can be monsters too._

_I thought you were a creature in a mask._

He laughed again. _With you, I spent more time without the mask than with it._

_Why?_

_Does it matter?_

_Yes,_ there was genuine curiosity behind her answer.

_I don’t truly know, but it didn’t go the way I had expected it to._

_What do you mean?_

_It made me the creature in a mask._

_You already were one to the rest of the galaxy._

He retreated from the bond, taking one last glimpse of the stars she was watching. He’d found her.


	11. Chapter 11

Found was too strong a word. He’d figured out how to find which system she was in. He just needed to enter the constellations she’d been looking at into the map from the archives. Hopefully it’d be a system with only one habitable planet with one island. The longer he was in the area just searching, the longer Skywalker and the Scavenger would have to escape.

He didn’t reach across the bond between them, not wanting to risk her realizing that she'd inadvertently told him where to find her. He could tell that she’d thrown up some kind of mental defenses, similar to the ones he employed as a child. Apparently she’d told Skywalker about that bond. He couldn’t help but wonder if Skywalker tell her the truth about him.

He wasn’t sure which would be worse. To have the Scavenger trying to kill him or to have another liability. But it really wasn’t up to him, she’d never believe him if he told her the truth. 

Part of him ached when he realized that. The bond had painfully reminded him of just how alone in this he was.

Still, he had his orders, he’d face the both of them soon enough. Slamming his helmet in place, he stalked out of Snoke’s fortress to board his ship.

The first Jedi Temple wasn’t even in the Galaxy. The planet that everyone had been searching for was located in the Rishi Maze. He couldn’t think of anything more fitting. Apparently all forgotten planets were in the Rishi Maze. 

Neither the planet, the star, nor the system itself had a name in the archives. Judging from the size of the planets and the way the pulled on the others, there were two habitable planets and five gaseous ones. Of the habitat planets, one had three moons while the other had none. Since the archives didn’t have an actual data about the planets climates, he decided to go with the planet that didn’t have any moons, since the only thing he gleaned from their connection was stars.

Once on board, he shoved his Knights out of the way, dropping into the pilot’s seat of his new ship. It was reliving to be in a position of control again. He knew he’d been slowly unraveling for a long time. But since Starkiller, since he kill- no, he couldn’t acknowledge those memories, not now, he needed to focus.

Coming out of hyperspace, he realized it didn’t matter what planet she was on, he could _feel_ her. Whatever the bond between them was, he could physically follow it and it would lead him directly to her.

If the Scavenger noticed the pull as well, he felt no indication on her end. With any luck, by blocking him out, she wouldn’t realize there was any change.

With any luck, by the time she noticed his presence, it would be too late for her to slip through his grasp.

However, there was no way she wouldn’t notice his ship as it quickly encroached on her island.

From what he could see, there was a single X-Wing rusting by the shore. The Falcon was nowhere in sight, which was good, she didn’t deserve to fly it.

As soon as he felt her alarm, he threw up his own mental defenses. He immediately felt her scrambling across their bond. She was panicking. Skywalker hadn’t trained her enough for her to prepared for this.

She would be easy enough for his Knights to handle, leaving him free to confront Skywalker.

He put down the shuttle on one of the plateaus of the island before turning to his Knights, barking orders, “Destroy the Temple, burn anything you can, and find the girl. Under no circumstances is she to be harmed. Leave Skywalker to me.”

He disembarked before they had a chance to question his orders.

The Scavenger had stopped trying to connect to him, instead he got a mental glimpse of her running towards his ship in the waning daylight, the Skywalker saber ignited.

He tamped down his jealousy and took off in search of Skywalker.

It began to drizzle as the smell of smoke mingled with the salty air.

He found Skywalker, standing at the edge of the cliff, gazing out over the ocean.

He wrenched off his helmet, he wanted Skywalker to truly witness what he’d become, and ignited his saber, pointing it at Skywalker.

For the first time in over 10 years, his Uncle turned to face him. Calm blue eyes met furious brown.

“Ben-”

“Ben is gone,” he repeated the words he’d said to his father, “Do you not know what I’ve _become,_ what I’ve _done?”_ he spat.

“I know. Believe me, I know.”

“Then you know that _this_ is _your_ fault!”

“Yes. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t question what I’ve done.”

“You _question_ what you’ve done?”

He took a deep shaky breath, lowering his weapon and turning to look over the edge of the cliff before he chucked his helmet down hard, watching it break apart on the stones far below.

He turned to face Skywalker again, “You get to _question_ what you made _me_ do. I have to _live_ with it.”

There was no hatred in Skywalker’s eyes, only pity, it enraged him, “Ben-”

“NO!” he bellowed, “Ben is dead, just like his father.”

Skywalker finally flinched at the mention of his friend’s death.

“I murdered him! You got to save your father. _I_ had to stab mine through the _heart_ with the saber I had to make because of _you._ I _wanted_ to do it because of what you made me become. His blood is on your hands just as much as mine.”

“I know.”

“And he _forgave_ me," he choked out, "He forgave me. And I have to live with it. You don’t. You don’t have to live with the image of him reaching out to stroke your cheek even as you wrenched your saber out of him.”

Skywalker was quiet.

“You _knew_ there was no way I would make it out of this alive. _No one_ is going to know what _I’ve_ sacrificed. The _Scavenger_ gets to be the hero, and I will die the _villain._ And the worst part is that it’s _exactly_ what I deserve because that’s _exactly_ what I am. I failed your mission, there’s no Light left, you and Snoke saw to that,” he ended his rant bitterly and quietly.

“People will know what you’ve done for the Galaxy-”

Kylo reached his hand out, beginning to crush Skywalker’s windpipe, just enough to stop him from talking.

“Of course they’ll know, because they already do. I’m responsible for the Hosnian System. I’m responsible for the deaths of billions of people.”

He released his hold on Skywalker, but began to skim through his thoughts.

“You’re a liar. You’re not planning on making it through this alive either. And you have no intention of telling the Scavenger what the truth of situation is. You have no intention of telling your own _sister.”_

"You cannot place all the blame and Snoke and me, you are still partially responsible."

"I accept full responsibly for what I've done, but you need to accept responsibility for the critical part you played in laying the groundwork for this to happen. You deserve to feel some of my pain, my guilt."

"What do you want me to say?"

"It doesn't matter. I'm taking you into custody of the First Order."

It began to rain in earnest.

"Very well, lead the way."

He was unnerved by how calm Skywalker was, so he trailed behind him, light saber hovering at his neck.

They arrived at his shuttle and he secured Skywalker using some Force resistant material that Snoke and commissioned Hux to create to restrain Skywalker.

"And what plans do you have for Rey?"

"My Knights are retrieving her."

"Dead?"

He felt his blood run cold. His Knights wouldn't disobey a direct order… but they were volatile like him…

He didn't respond to Skywalker, instead sprinting in the direction the bond lead him in.

The remains of the Temple were strewn about and he had to avoid tripping over the rubble. A few embers still smoldered. 

He paused, taking in the scene in front of him.

Most of his Knights were watching as the final one was bearing down on the Scavenger.

They were too enthralled by the fight to notice him and his lack of a mask. 

He was about to ask what the hell they were doing; but the Knight dueling the Scavenger got the upper hand and managed to knock the saber out of her hand as she fell to the ground. 

He didn't even pause to consider the ramifications, charging forward and stabbing the Knight in the back with his saber before he could deal her a lethal blow.

He expected the Scavenger to call the saber to her, to get back up and fight him. He made no moves to prevent her from doing so. She didn't do anything at all. Instead she remained almost frozen in place. The barriers they had thrown up between them evaporated as they made eye contact and he realized that she'd seen this very thing happen before. Except this time he wasn't wearing a mask.

She broke eye contact and he felt her gaze trail across the scar she'd left him with.

_Admiring your handiwork?_

She didn't respond and he called the Skywalker saber to himself.

She stiffened immediately, fear flashing across her face before settling on what appeared to be acceptance of her death.

He offered the saber back to her. 

_Take it._

Her confusion was palpable.

It was raining hard enough that he could speak to her without being overheard.

"Get out of here," he growled.

"What?"

"Take the saber and get out of here."

She reached out, but didn't grab it.

"Why?"

"Just take it and leave, before I change my mind."

With that she grabbed the saber, scrambled off the ground and took off towards the X-Wing on the shore.

He watched her go. Not sure what possessed him to do something so stupid.

Before she disappeared over the cliff she stopped and looked back at him.

_Thank you._

He simply nodded, and she dropped out of sight.

He sensed the presence of his remaining Knights now directly behind him.

Surprisingly, none of them mentioned the fact that he was bare faced in front of them for the first time. Rightfully fearing what he would do to them if they did.

"You let her go?" 

Ignoring the question, he instead rounded on them, "She was not to be harmed. So why the hell were you all just standing there as he tried to kill her?"

"She tried to engage us while we were destroying the Temple. So he fought her while we continued. By the time we finished, stepping in would've done more harm than good."

"Destroying the Temple could've waited. You should've secured her first and then finished."

"But you let-"

He reached out his hand, choking the Knight, "She got away when I had to kill your comrade to stop him from killing her. I was trying to figure out which direction she ran off in. This is your failure. But your failures are still mine."

He let go of the Knight, leaving him gasping for air. He didn't really care whether or not they bought his lie, they wouldn't dare question or betray him.

They followed him back to the shuttle in silence and didn't comment when he brought their prisoner into the cockpit with him.

Once they were finally in hyperspace heading towards the Finalizer, Skywalker spoke, "No Rey?"

"She got away," he muttered.

"How?"

"I don't know. She was gone by the time I got there."

"Apparently, lying runs in the family."

"You know nothing old man."

"I know about the bond between you and Rey."

"What about it?"

"You claimed that I had no intention of telling her the truth. Why would I when you're capable of telling Rey anytime you'd like?"

"The Scavenger wouldn't believe me, therefore it would be futile. It would also create another liability and I can't afford that."

"She has a name, you know."

"Yes I know that," he snapped.

"Then why don't you use it?"

"We're not on a first name basis and she has no last name."

"That's fair I suppose, she was an orphan, not even a record of birth."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because your bond is only going to grow stronger, and the more the both of you push each other away, the more damage you'll cause yourselves."

"I am her enemy."

"But she isn't yours."

"It can't be one sided! I can't pull her towards me while she pushes me away, and she would be insane not to, especially because she doesn't know the real reason I became a monster."

"Letting her escape was a good start to building trust between the two of you."

"It was reckless."

"It shows there is still some Light in you."

"No. It shows that I am still weak," he snarled.

"Well those are one and the same to Dark Side users."

"You should've taught her how to sever the bond."

"Do you want me to teach you instead?"

"Will you?"

"No, you know I wouldn't even if it was possible. Force bonds are unbreakable."

"It's a bad thing."

"It's a wonderful thing, forged by the Force itself."

"I can corrupt her through the bond."

"You wouldn't."

He couldn't think of anything to say in return; Skywalker was right. For some unfathomable reason, his entire being rebelled at the idea of turning Rey to the Dark Side.


	12. Chapter 12

He was sure he would regret letting Rey go eventually. Eventually came a lot sooner than expected. 

_What did you do to Luke?_

He groaned inwardly.

_You wouldn’t believe me if I told you the truth._

_Is he at least alive?_

He debated wether or not to lie, ultimately deciding that there was no point in hiding it from her. _Yes._

_Will he stay that way?_

_Not up to me._

_Oh really, then who?_

_Your interrogation tactics need significant improvement._

_Please, don’t hurt him; he’s your Uncle…_ she was pleading now, he didn’t like how desperate she sounded, it pulled strangely at him. Compassion, he was feeling compassion.

 _Scavenger,_ he needed to distance himself, _if you’re trying to appeal to some sentimental, caring side of me, you should know it doesn’t exist. Why would I spare Skywalker and not Han Solo?_

_Why would you spare me?_

He’d known as soon as he let her go she would ask him why. He’d vainly hoped that she would simply let it slide, because he didn’t have the strength to consider the emotions surrounding his decision. 

_Just be grateful that I did._

_No, I need to know why. What do you get out of letting me go? What about letting me go is worth the torture of disobeying your orders?_

He paused, there was no way she could've known that. _How…?_

 _I didn’t get out of your mind fast enough,_ she responded, referring to the punishment Snoke had given him when she'd barged into his mind.

 _I’m sorry, I didn't want you to experience that._ And he meant it. If he wanted the Scavenger to suffer, it would be by his hand, and his hand only. Unfortunately, he could never decide if he actually wanted her to suffer.

She ignored his apology, _tell me why you let me go._

He sighed internally, _I don’t know._

_Alright._

_Really, you’re just going to accept that?_

_I’ve been inside your head. You don’t seem to understand the reasoning behind any action that doesn’t match up to your self-imposed path._

He bristled at her last remark, _it wasn’t self-imposed._

_You’re still choosing to follow it._

_To turn back would mean failure. Either way, I’m already too far gone._

_But you want to._

_It doesn’t matter what I want._

He closed off their connection, he’d revealed way too much.

Unable to remember the last time he’d had anyone to actually talk to he realized with no small amount of embarrassment that he was _lonely._ He didn’t want to stop talking to her.

He might as well go for broke, _Rey?_

He could feel her apprehension at him calling her by her name but there was a hint of appreciation in there as well. _What?_

_You need to go to Jedha._

_Why would I go anywhere you told me to go?_

_Because you know I don’t want you dead and you know I can find you, no matter where you go._

_What’s on Jedha?_ she was rightfully suspicious.

_Kyber crystals._

_I already have a Lightsaber._

He fought back the urge to say that it belonged to him, opting to only say, _you need to build a saber staff._

_You’ll have to be more subtle than that to get me to turn to your side._

_Just because it’s a style typically used by monsters like me, doesn’t mean you can’t use it. Besides, you already know how to fight with one._

_Why are you telling me this?_

_I told you already, you need a teacher._

That was evidently the wrong thing to say and this time she was the one to close their connection.

Which was fine, they were dropping out of hyperspace, and he need to hail Hux.

Hux’s face flickered into existence, they were both silent for a moment, unsure if the fragile truce they created before facing Snoke was still in place. 

Hux spoke first, “What do I need to do to prepare for your arrival?”

Kylo was stunned, Hux had never shown him that much respect before. “I have Skywalker in custody. I can get him to the prison sector,” he paused and added, “you can alert Snoke to inform him that we have Skywalker.”

It was Hux’s turn to be surprised, “It’s your task and your accomplishment, Ren.”

“It’s your ship, technically, he’s your prisoner.”

Hux nodded courteously, “I will brief you after I have informed Leader Snoke.”

He signed off and exited the cockpit as the Finalizer’s tractor beam took over. It seemed like Hux no longer doubted his loyalties, which was a weight off his shoulders.

Skywalker was looking at him with mild interest, “I wasn't aware you were capable of working cooperatively with someone,” evidently referring to the absence of one of his Knights.

“Cooperation requires that subordinates follow orders,” he growled in reply.

He instructed two of his Knights to take Skywalker to the prison sector and remain on guard until the next pair came to replace them before stalking off. Hux had summoned him to the bridge. 

Before he could ask Hux what Snoke had said, Hux was speaking.

“Ren, I realize I don’t have the authority to tell you how to dress yourself, but I do feel like I should point out to you that you are not wearing your mask.”

“It broke.”

“Do you need to be checked for a head injury? The impact required to break it would-“

“I was not wearing it at the time that it broke.”

Hux’s facial expression clearly said, _as long as you’re not destroying my ship._

“What did Snoke say?”

“He was pleased that we were still being civil. He wants to interrogate Skywalker. He also wants to talk to you about the girl.”

“Right,” he bit out.

“Frankly, I don’t see why we need to worry about her anymore. We have Skywalker, without him, she can’t become a threat.”

“Snoke wants her as an asset.”

“Another Knight? You seem to be down one.”

“If I’m lucky.”

“If _we’re_ lucky. I don’t need to deal with another Force user wreaking havoc across the Galaxy.”

“When does Snoke want to speak with me?”

“Six standard hours.”

He nodded and turned on his heel to go to speak with Skywalker.

Hux followed him, “Where are you going?”

“To see the prisoner.”

“You’re related to him.”

It wasn’t a question. He’d known Hux would figure it out sooner or later. He also knew that Hux only cared about the answer because he was nosy.

“No.” 

He knew Hux didn't believe him, but all he said in response was, “Get a new helmet Ren, your face is unnerving.”

He crouched in front of Skywalker, forcing himself to hold the man's gaze. He couldn’t think of anything to say to the man who had let him down, to the man that he had let down.

“So, what can I do for you Ben?”

He stood up, slamming his fist up against the bars of the cell, “That. Is. Not. My. Name.”

“Fine, Kylo Ren, what can I do for you?”

“The Supreme Leader is going to interrogate you sometime soon. I don’t exactly know when or if it will be in person or via hologram. After that you’ll be executed.”

“And after I’m gone, will you kill your mother?”

“That woman means _nothing_ to me, and if that’s what is required of me, then yes, that is what I will do. I will complete my mission.”

He had no idea if Skywalker understood what he was trying to say. That despite everything he was going to take down Snoke, somehow. If only because he had no other options. 

He could only hope that Skywalker kept his mouth shut, that Snoke didn’t find anything about his mission in Skywalker’s mind when he inevitably shredded it.

“And will you be the one to kill me?”

He honestly didn’t know, “The Supreme Leader will determine how you die.”

He didn’t know if he could follow through with those orders if Snoke gave them to him. The only reason he’d been able to standup and keep moving after he killed his father was due to pure unadulterated rage. 

He couldn’t do it again. He couldn’t take another person from his mother. He couldn’t take another person from _her._

He paused, not sure where that thought had come from. She didn’t matter. She had no right to be upset over those deaths. They were the people _he_ was related to, _he_ admired, _he_ wanted to be. _His_ family. _She_ was _nothing._

Skywalker was looking at him reproachfully, as if to say that the Scavenger was more important than he could ever imagine.

And it made him furious.

Because a part of him knew Skywalker was right.

He left then, determined to be in control of himself when he went to speak to Snoke, and staying around Skywalker would not help.

He needed to explain the absence of his mask, one of his Knights, and of the Scavenger. After all, even though he’d ordered his Knights to retrieve her unharmed, Snoke hadn’t cared if she was captured or if she was killed.

No matter what, this conversation with Snoke was going to be painful. He spent the remaining five hours consolidating and locking away his memories, hiding the fact that he let the Scavenger go along side his true reason for joining Snoke.

He kept his hands clenched as he stood facing the hologram of Snoke. He wished he hadn’t destroyed his mask, his face was easy to read. 

“I was surprised to hear from you so soon Kylo Ren. Tell me, how did you find them so quickly?”

He let out a breath he’d been holding, he could answer this honestly, “Constellations. I could see the stars the Scavenger was looking at through the bond.”

Snoke appeared to laugh to himself, “Clever. Now tell me, why have you come back with only Skywalker?”

He swallowed hard, “I thought it would be best for me to confront Skywalker alone and for the Knights to destroy the temple and retrieve the Scavenger. I didn’t think Skywalker would come peacefully unless it was just me and I figured he took precedence.”

“Why is the Scavenger at the least not dead then? Surly your Knights could’ve taken her out if they couldn't subdue her.”

“I ordered them to take her alive. I’d assumed that they would go after the Scavenger as a team first and then destroy the Temple. By the time I got to them, it was the Scavenger and one of the Knights fighting one on one while the other’s watched. They failed to properly carry out the orders I’d given them. So I killed the Knight attacking the Scavenger, and she got away.”

The Supreme Leader leaned forward, “Why would you give them an order contrary to the one I gave you?”

“I thought she’d be a good asset and without Skywalker to train her, she isn’t much of a liability.”

He waited for the torture to begin. It didn’t, instead Snoke leaned back.

“A reasonable assumption. You’ve changed my mind, bring her in alive. In the meantime, bring Skywalker in here.”

“Yes Supreme Leader.”

He quickly turned and exited the room, shocked that Snoke hadn’t punished him.

Hux was waiting for him outside. 

“Snoke wants Skywalker now.”

“Shall I have my men bring him up?”

“No, my Knights will. There will be no repeat of Starkiller.”

Hux nodded in agreement and they waited in silence for Skywalker to be brought to them.

Two of his Knights marched around the corner with Skywalker handcuffed between them. They left once Hux had a firm grip on Skywalker’s bicep.

Skywalker tilted his head politely at Hux, “General,” and then nodded towards him, “nephew.”

He glowered at Skywalker and Hux lead him into the chambers where Snoke waited.

He was surprised, but not disappointed that Snoke kicked Hux and him out of the room while he spoke to Skywalker. He didn’t want to see it. He had enough nightmares featuring family members to last him a lifetime.


	13. Chapter 13

As soon as Hux and he walked away from the chamber they left Skywalker in, he threw up additional mental defenses, he didn’t want any bleed through. The familial connection he shared with Skywalker was nowhere near as strong as the bond with the Scavenger, but in such close proximity, it rivaled the bond. 

Snoke had no issue with breaking through the types of defenses he’d set up just then, so he would call on him when he was done with Skywalker. 

His stomach used to churn at the thought of what he’d find when Snoke was done with a victim. Not anymore, now he could stand stoically and watch, only haunted by the images in his sleep.

Still, he wasn’t sure if he could handle seeing Skywalker in the condition Snoke usually left people in.

He was torn out of the mess of his mind by Hux.

“He’s your Uncle?”

“Yes.”

Wisely, Hux dropped the subject. "Ren, I need you to do me a favor."

He stared at him blankly for a second, "What do you want?"

"We know how the Millennium Falcon got onto Starkiller, it appears that your father decided to enter the atmosphere at light-speed in order to get past the barriers."

He struggled not to laugh. It was something only his Father would risk doing. He had to fight back against the rising guilt and remorse that he'd previously locked down.

He regretted his rash decision to destroy his helmet, once again wishing for its presence to hide his face, it was too easy to read, even without the Force.

"And?"

"We don't know how they got the shields down to allow their fighters in. FN-2187 only ever worked in sanitation, he wouldn't have known how to take down the shields. Which means it was one of our own. I need you to figure out who."

"What makes you think they survived?"

"It's a precaution. If it's an officer, we need to dispose of them. If it's one of the troopers…"

Hux was actually afraid. With good reason. FN-2187 could be written off as an isolated incident, another one would indicate a flaw in his program.

"I'll start with the remaining troops that had knowledge of shields. I'll leave you to sort through your personnel."

Hux nodded and then took off for the bridge leaving Kylo alone in the hall.

He needed to talk to Phasma. He didn't want to, she was more imposing than Hux, but her knowledge of and interest in her troops was unparalleled and invaluable.

He was on his way to the barracks, Phasma had shunned the accommodations given to someone of her importance in favor of staying with her troops. He had to grudgingly admit it was admirable. But then the Scavenger started tugging on the thread connecting them and he lost sight of his task, practically bolting towards his quarters so he would remain uninterrupted. _What?_

He could feel her irritation and confusion and almost disappointment, _you lied._

He didn't know why the accusation hurt, _I've never lied to you._

She flashed an image across their bond. _Kyber crystals are supposed to change color when you hold the one that calls to you._ She was angry.

But his breath had hitched. She was holding two crystals, almost blinding white in color. And something in him lit fire. _Oh Rey, you'll never be a Jedi._ He knew he sounded almost reverent.

She bristled at that statement, _I'm not joining you._

_You're going to have a white lightsaber staff. The epitome of true balance. The Force isn't the Light and the Dark, just varying shades of gray. And you're stuck in the middle, just like me._

_I am nothing like you._

_I'll admit you're more balanced and at peace than I've ever been, and more inherently good, but the Jedi way will stifle you. You know passion, you know how to harness it. It's how you beat me on Starkiller._

She threw up her mental defenses once he said that and he was sent reeling back into himself.

He considered telling her where the Jedi Academy had been so that she could find parts to build a lightsaber, but he didn't want her to see that, see the mess he'd left in his wake. He didn't want her to see the Monster.

He left the bond alone and stalked back down to the barracks. 

Phasma was overseeing the training of the new "recruits."

"Phasma," he barked.

She drew her attention from the children. "Ren."

Surprise flickered across his face at her recognition of his bare face. He'd thought only Hux's people had seen him without it.

"You really think Hux would be physically capable of dragging your dead weight onto a ship?"

He unconsciously traced the scar bisecting his face. It was becoming a habit.

"I need to interrogate your troops."

It wasn't really an order. He technically outranked her, but the sphere he commanded operated separately from the rest of the order.

In the field she reported to him. But he was in her domain now, and she ultimately called the shots here.

"Why?"

"We know how Han Solo and FN-2187 got past our defenses," he felt Phasma bristle at the mention of the rogue trooper, "what we don't know is how they lowered the shields."

He was surprised to feel a flicker of panic emanate from her. It was gone as soon as it was there and there hadn't been the slightest change in her facial expression. He envied her ability to school her face itself into a mask itself. He honestly didn't know what the point of her helmet was, it wasn't to promote uniformity, the chrome body armor made her a beacon.

"What do my troops have to do with it?" she asked stiffly.

"They were the ones who actually built Starkiller. At least one of them had to know how to operate the shields."

"My troops wouldn't betray the order like that," she snapped defensively.

He cocked his head, "So certain that FN-2187 was an isolated incident?"

Shame rolled off her when he brought up the Traitor again. "You did it," he said quietly, actually surprised by the revelation.

"Excuse me? Are you accusing me-"

"Yes," he cut her off firmly, "You know I could just pull the memory from you."

She just stared at him steely.

"I'd rather not do that," he continued.

"I'm not going to plead for mercy or forgiveness if that's what you want."

He was glad she wouldn't grovel, that was a sight he'd rather not witness. "Is that a confession?"

She paused for a beat, "Yes," she replied flatly. 

He nodded, turning to exit the room.

"That's it?"

"What's it?"

"I know you'll report to Hux and Snoke, but you're not going to torture me?"

"There's no point, it's evidently already torturing you. And there's no point in reporting it, what's done is done, there's not precautions to be taken, and you're too valuable to be disposed of."

"What do you want Ren? What do you want in exchange for your silence?"

He considered her, "I hadn't expected anything in exchange, but if you're offering, have some of your troops build me an identical replacement for my helmet."

"Yes, Sir."

He left then, not wanting to drag the conversation out any longer than necessary. 

There really was no point in telling anyone. She'd actually done him a favor in a way. She was the reason the super-weapon was destroyed and now he had something to hold over her. Now he only needed to lie to Hux. 

But that had to wait. Snoke was calling on him. He contacted Hux over his comm to inform him their presence had been requested.

He took slow heavy steps towards the chamber, trying to prepare himself for what he'd be walking into. Hux met him at the door and they walked in together.

Skywalker looked better than he'd expected. Exhaustion rolled off of him and he looked weary. He was kneeling, but there was still stubborn defiance in him.

Snoke looked displeased, it was evident he hadn't found whatever he'd been hoping to get from Skywalker. He tampered down the relief he felt at that realization.

"Lock him up, he is of no use to me."

"Are we to hold him indefinitely?" Hux asked.

"No. He will be executed, when the timing is right. I will inform you of when I want it done. You will be the one to do it General. I want it done swiftly and painlessly, we don't want to make a mess of things. And Ren, see to it that the prisoner is well taken care of, he must be presentable when the time comes."

"Yes Supreme Leader."

"Now go," he waved his hand and the hologram flickered out of existence.

Kylo yanked Skywalker to his feet, steering him towards the door, "I'll take him back to his cell."

Hux nodded, not bothering to follow them.

"I'm surprised you didn't demand to be the one to strike the killing blow."

He glared at Skywalker but only said, "The Supreme Leader is wise. If he doesn't want me to kill you, then there is a good reason for it."

He was inwardly grateful he didn't have to plead to Snoke to not make him Skywalker's executioner. He didn't know what would happen to him if he murdered Skywalker and it terrified him.

And there was the Scavenger, he didn't want her to hate him more than she already did. He chose to not explore the reasons behind that. He needed to tell her what was going to happen. There would be hell to pay if he didn't give her some kind of warning.

He roughly deposited Skywalker in his cell and returned to his own quarters before tugging on the bond. It didn't appear that Snoke was privy to their conversations.

 _I'm not interested in whatever you want to teach me,_ she growled before he'd even said anything.

_I wasn't offering. I actually had information that would be of interest to you. But you seem frustrated. What seems to be the problem?_

_If you must know, building a lightsaber with no blueprint is proving to be more difficult than I thought,_ she huffed

_Disassemble the Skywalker saber, observe how it's put together, build two, and then fuse them._

_What if I mess it up? What if I put it back together wrong?_

_The parts know where they belong. If you use the Force to put it back together, it'll line itself up properly._

He could sense some of her tension dissipate, but then her anxiety skyrocketed. 

_You said you had information…_

_Skywalker is going to be executed. I don't know when, but assume sooner rather than later._

_Are you going to kill him?_ She sounded accusatory.

 _No,_ he said emphatically, _General Hux will-_

_Who?_

_Ask General Organa._

_Fine, I'll ask your mother._

_Do NOT tell her you got this information from me._

_Why tell me in the first place?_

Because you wormed your way into my mind and are now acting as my conscience? Because for some reason I care about your opinion of me? Because for some reason I care about _you?_ He couldn't tell her any of those.

_Because I'm not your enemy._

She scoffed. _Yes, you are. You're a leader of the First Order and I'm with the Rebellion._

_Yes, but I'm not YOUR enemy._

_What does that even mean? Of course you're my enemy._

_Without Skywalker, I can't finish what I set out to do. We both want him alive. In this case I'm not your enemy._

_So save him!_

_I can't. It has to be you._

_So you can capture me and take me to Snoke?_

_NO,_ he roared, _I won't let Snoke ANYWHERE near you._

He surprised even himself when he said that. 

_I don't understand you. I don't understand you at all. What did you set out to do? Why are you so adamant that you didn't have a choice? Why do you need Luke? And WHY do you INSIST on helping me?_

He couldn't help but be thrown back into his memory of Skywalker giving him his task. He couldn't help but remember the awe he felt when the saber flew into her hand instead of his.

_I can't answer those questions._

_Because you're afraid of the answers or because of Snoke._

_Both._

_You know I can feel you, right?_

_What do you mean?_ He asked nervously.

_Your emotions. I can feel them._

_Now?_

_Always. It's overwhelming. How do you feel SO much? I can't keep up. And it hurts. There is so much anger and pain. I don't know how you live with it._

_It's all I've known and it is my penance. I'm sorry, I didn't realize it bled through to you, I'll stop it._

_You're doing it again._

_I'm not doing anything._

_You're offering to help me. You don't want to cause me pain. You don't enjoy hurting others._

_You know nothing Scavenger,_ he spat.

He could feel her shock at him calling her that, he knew it was cruel and he'd done it just to prove her statement wrong. Still she continued.

_You're remorseful. I can feel your guilt and regret._

_Stop it._

_You have compassion._

_Compassion is a weakness._

He slammed down his defenses, cutting himself off from her entirely.

He was furious. He ignited his saber and slashed at the walls until they were nothing but warped jagged metal.

Shame threatened to crush him.

How could _she_ believe there was _good_ in him? Why was he afraid of inevitably disappointing her. It shouldn't matter. He shouldn't care. But he did. He cared immensely. 

He clenched his fists tightly to keep from lashing out again.

How was this the same girl who so recently called him a monster? Something big had changed.

It was easier to pretend nothing had happened. He reigned in his temper, keeping his fists clenched, fingers digging into his palms.

And then he left, heading to inform Hux that none of the troopers had been the ones to lower the shields.


	14. Chapter 14

Hux took his statement at face value and agreed with him that whoever lowered the shields probably perished on Starkiller.

He returned to his quarters, intent on ignoring the pull he felt towards Rey, no the _Scavenger._ He tried to meditate but every time he did he was confronted with himself. He was faced with the terror and pain that he’d caused his victims. 

He was horrified to realize that he didn’t care. He was numb to it. He grew weary of witnessing his crimes. He grew weary of fighting the draw to the Scavenger. 

He returned to Hux and offered to interrogate the remaining officers that could’ve lowered the shields on the off chance there was a survivor. His offer was accepted.

The irony that he, the man who was actively committing high treason, was torturing people on the false premise they betrayed the Order was not lost on him. He knew that they’d stayed loyal and he was happy to torture them anyways.

The Scavenger was wrong about him. He was a monster, and it was best if she continued to believe that. His chance to be the man she thought he was had long since passed and there was no point in lamenting that. No reason for him to want to be who she thought he was.

He would kill her himself if that’s what it took to convince her she was wrong, that there was no Light left in him.

But he knew he couldn’t. He couldn’t hurt her. For whatever reason he knew that anything he did would be to keep her safe. It enraged him. He wouldn’t be the death of her; she would be the death of him. 

He left his last victim a bloody mess, strapped to the interrogation chair. He stormed back to his quarters leaving the mess for some stormtroopers to clean up.

He struggled to ignore the voice in his head, one that was distinctly _her,_ one that reminded him that somewhere deep down he was still Ben. He hated that it was a reminder and not lies. He chose to listen to the voice that said even if Ben was still there, it was too late.

And still, he couldn’t smother her Light. He wouldn't even if he could.

But that was a secret just for him. A secret just for Ben, who he couldn’t seem to destroy no matter what he did. A secret to stop Ben from breaking free of the bonds Kylo kept him bound in.

Ben held all the secrets, the Light, the extent of his connection to Rey, and his true purpose. 

And even though he _knew_ the _importance_ , knew the _necessity_ of his actions, Ben raged louder than ever before, encouraged by the Scavenger. 

He was wrenched out of his identity crisis by a sharp knock on the door. 

He made sure his face gave away nothing before opening the door to reveal Mitaka. He was holding a replica of his helmet on a slab of durasteel to avoid smudging it. A respectful but pointless gesture, he was inevitably going to destroy it.

He picked it up, appraising it, before nodding in affirmation that he was pleased and dismissed Mitaka. 

He settled his new helmet over his head and immediately felt a sense of calm wash over him. Ben was silenced by the imposing presence of the helmet, his identity once again lost.

Hux contacted him over his comm, requesting his presence in a confidential meeting.

More confident with his helmet masking his face from the Galaxy, he quickly strode to Hux’s office.

He entered the room, but stopped short.

He had assumed that it was just going to be the two of them to discuss the presence of a possible traitor, but Phasma was there as well, her helmet also in place.

He could sense her slight unease, but there was no fear emanating from her. 

“I see you’ve finally gotten a replacement,” Hux said in reference to his new helmet.

“I wouldn’t want anyone to be _unnerved_ by my appearance,” he said, echoing Hux's words, his voice once again modulated, he’d missed the sound.

Phasma, never one to mince words, bluntly asked, “Since when do you two actually communicate like adults?”

He couldn’t stop the laugh from escaping him, it came out distorted through the mask.

Hux looked alarmed and Phasma cocked her head in mild confusion. 

“It seemed logical to put aside our differences when we went to speak with Leader Snoke,” he explained.

“I wasn't aware logic was a quality you possessed Ren,” Phasma deadpanned.

It was Hux’s turn to stifle a laugh. He recovered and said, “This friendliness is starting to get uncomfortable, so it’s time to actually discuss what I’ve called this meeting for.”

When neither he nor Phasma objected, he continued, “It appears that whoever lowered the shields on Starkiller didn’t make it off the planet, so I think it’s best we move onto more pressing and current matters.”

They nodded in affirmation.

“I have my officers currently not in the med bay working on hacking into the New Republic’s Holonet signal. Once we can cut into it, we’re going to air a demonstration of the First Order’s power for the Galaxy to witness.”

“And what will we demonstrate? The Resistance took out our super weapon, nothing we have is more impressive than that,” Phasma pointed out cooly.

“We have Skywalker,” Kylo cut in.

“Exactly,” Hux said, “once we have the Galaxy’s attention, I will personally execute Skywalker, the last Jedi.”

“I don't see why I needed to be a part of this meeting,” Phasma said flatly.

“Like it or not, we all head main components of the Order and we _have_ to work together,” Hux sounded exasperated.

“He’s right.”

“Thank you Ren.”

“Is there anything else to discuss?” Phasma asked, almost bored.

“No.”

“Then, with permission, I would like to return to my post.”

“You’re excused,” Hux sighed.

Once she was gone, he turned to Kylo, “What’s her problem?”

“I don’t think she liked me questioning the loyalty of her men,” he answered honestly.

“The security of the Order takes precedence-“ Hux started to object.

“Not to her,” he cut him off, “She’s a soldier, a good one, first and foremost. She values her troops more than the Order as a whole. And I’m willing to bet they’re loyal more to her than the Order, so we’re lucky she hasn’t staged a coup.”

“When did you become so insightful?”

“Around the time you started listening to what I say,” Kylo retorted.

Hux snorted, “Fair enough.”

He took that as his cue to leave and stalked down to corridors, appreciating the fear that radiated off of the personnel he passed by. There had been shock, confusion, and dread emanating from them when he walked by without his mask, but none of that was as satisfying as the terror the mask invoked.

He stood at a viewport, not yet ready to go back to his quarters, not strong enough to avoid the temptation to reach out to the Scavenger. Instead he gazed at the stars, trying to remember their names. His mind was quiet, and he relished in the silence.

Of course she was the one to disrupt it with a tentative tug on the bond.

 _What do you want Scavenger?_ he knew he was being unnecessarily cruel.

 _I call you by the name you insist on going by, the least you could do is extend me the same courtesy, Kylo Ren,_ she snapped.

_Fine. What do you want Rey?_

_I was going to show you something I thought you might find interesting, but evidently I was mistaken._

She started to withdraw from him, and he didn’t want her to go. _Wait Rey, I’m sorry. Please, I want — I’m always interested in anything you think is important._

She seemed taken aback by what he said, but recovered quickly enough. She showed him the staff she had created with it’s twin white blades.

He was sure his amazement bled through the bond, so he only asked, _what did you make the hilt out of?_

_I salvaged pieces from my old staff._

_Why am I not surprised, Scavenger?_ This time he meant it as a compliment and he hoped his tone conveyed that.

Evidently it did because she asked, _so what else do you have to teach me?_

He was thrown off by the question. The words he’d so desperately wanted to hear, sounded horribly wrong now that they came from her.

 _I thought you were never going to join me,_ he said cautiously.

_I’m not, but you took away my teacher, so I’m stuck with you._

_No,_ that wasn’t his plan, _I don’t — not like that. I don’t want to teach you._

_What?_ She was angry now. _No, you said — you said you could show me the ways of the Force. You can’t just rescind your offer!_

_I didn’t say that with your best interests in mind and I can do whatever I want,_ he warned. 

_So it’s either join your or receive no training._

_NO!_ She was absolutely infuriating. _I don’t want teach you at all. I can’t teach you._

_Why not?_

_I will ruin you._

_I can take care of myself._

_I’m well aware, I have the scar to prove it._

_So release Luke, let him train me._

_I can't do that either._

_Can’t or won’t?_

_Can’t,_ he said firmly. _You have no idea what’s at stake here._

_No I know, believe me, I know._

The conviction with which she said that unnerved him. 

He was tempted to ask her what exactly she knew, but opted not to and instead said, _then you know that I can’t teach you and I can’t release Skywalker._

_Then what am I supposed to do?_

_Have the Resistance stage a rescue._

_How?_

_You do realize telling you that would be treason, do you not?_

_Wasn’t letting me go treason?_

_That was different._

_How?_

_Your safety was at risk._

_My safety?_

_That Knight would’ve killed you._

_But he didn’t, you stopped him, you could’ve just taken me._

_I told you I wouldn’t let Snoke anywhere near you._

_So you’re actively disobeying orders in an ongoing manner, but this is where you draw the line?_

_Yes._

_Do you have a logical reason?_

_Your safety isn’t at risk._

_Why does that matter?_

_It’s important._

_To who?_

_To me!_

_Oh,_ he could feel her genuine shock bleeding across the bond. 

He was shocked as well, he hadn’t meant to say that. 

_You care about me?_

_Rey,_ she was treading dangerous waters, _I’m a monster, remember? I enjoy hurting others; I don’t have compassion for others._

_But I’ve felt it._

_It’s a weakness._

_You didn’t deny it._

_Fine! I have compassion, for YOU. You’re the exception._

_You can’t hide anything from me Kylo, you’re only lying to yourself._

_What will it take for you to. Let. This. Go?_

_Just tell me where you are so I- so the Resistance can rescue Luke._

_Fine,_ he growled. He opened his eyes, allowing her to see what he was seeing. He focused on the stars just outside the view port. 

_Well?_

_Well what?_

_Aren’t you going to tell me?_

_I just did._

_No, you just showed me a bunch of stars._

_How do you think I found you in the first place Rey?_

_Oh,_ he could feel realization wash over her. And then she was scrambling over their bond, grasping for a better look, another marker. 

_You are SUCH a scavenger._

_Shut up._

Finally she retreated from the bond. 

_Satisfied?_

_No._

_Too bad._

_I know you Kylo. I know that you-_

_If you know me, you should know that whatever you’re about to say needs to remain unsaid._

_But-_

_But nothing. I don't know what or how much you know or if what you think you know is even true and I don’t want to. I can’t know and neither can anyone else._

_Why not? That makes no sense._

_The rest of the Galaxy isn’t as simple as Jakku. Sometimes I almost wish I was the one left there, not you._

_No,_ she said bitterly, _if you knew what it was like you wouldn’t._

_I know you Rey, I told you I felt it too,_ he reminded her. 

_Then why would you wish that? I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, not even you._

_I said almost. Almost because I wouldn’t wish my experiences on you. At least your hands are clean._

He pulled away from her then. She had the tendency to bring his repressed guilt and regret to the surface and it threatened to drown him. 


	15. Chapter 15

He successfully kept the Scavenger at bay for about a week. His fear of revealing too much out weighed his inexplicable desire to connect with her. Though the reason for his success might have been that she'd made no attempts to reach out to him. He didn't know, he was so locked down in his own mind that even Snoke's overbearing presence felt like a whisper.

It had been unsettlingly calm and he was on edge, waiting for something, anything to happen. There weren't any new orders from Snoke and there wasn't any news coming in about the Resistance or the Scavenger. He needed to complete his training still, but that had to wait until Snoke deemed it time to continue. He had been left to his own devices.

And he despaired because of it. By isolating himself mentally he only had Ben for company. His only companion was the remanent of who he once was, a constant reminder of his regrets, his failures. He hated Ben, and Ben hated him.

To shut down the endless war in his mind, he trained to exhaustion, sparring with his knights until they collapsed, either by his own hand or from sheer exertion. 

If he couldn't work out his frustration, anger, and anxiety on another person, if beating another person senseless no longer provided an escape for him, which was becoming increasingly common, he took it out on himself.

He'd started out tracing the scar bisecting his face subconsciously when he'd been without a mask. Now, whenever it was off he'd taken to scratching at it. He dug his blunt finger nails into the scar tissue and dragged his hand down. 

The tissue grew raw again and he would watch the blood bead up and trail down the length of it. It was like she marked him all over again.

He should've pushed her over the ravine. He could've. He'd thought about it, had plenty of time to do it, he'd had the perfect opportunity to rid himself of her. But he'd shown her mercy, compassion, he offered to teach her and even as he struggled to stand after she struck him down the final time, he still hadn't wanted to harm her. 

Killing his father hadn't strengthened him. It weakened him severely, it fractured him. Before, Ben had been relatively complacent, but since then he'd rebelled, causing him to act irrationally, carelessly.

In the privacy of his own quarters he'd often remove his tunic only to trace over the starburst shaped scar left from the Wookiee's bowcaster. He was desperate to feel the pain from the wound, desperate to focus on the pain so that he wouldn't have to think about why he'd received the injury in the first place.

But there was nothing. The nerve endings hadn't healed from the damage, the only sensation was the texture of scar tissue beneath his callused fingers. He switched to smashing his fist into the starburst, like he had on Starkiller, he could still feel the pain from that.

He hated being cooped up. He'd always hated it. In a previous life those around him attributed it to him being too much like his father. They'd said it like it was a good thing.

It wasn't. He'd inherited his father's recklessness, carelessness. The only skills he was grateful for was his ability to pilot and to fix things. The last one was particularly useful since he was constantly breaking things in fits of rage. He was partially grateful the Scavenger marred his face, it warped his features just enough for him to forget that every time he saw his reflection he was looking at the face of his father.

The longer he spent trapped on the Finalizer, the more he become convinced that he was unraveling. His volatility increased, his sanity was slipping. His grip on reality seemed off, he could swear he could feel someone accompanying him as he roamed the halls, hands clenched at his side. Every now and then he would catch a glimpse of his new shadow.

He needed to get off the star destroyer. He headed to the hanger and went to the ship tucked safely in the corner. It was _his_ ship. He had a shuttle of course, but this was _his_ ship. It was one of a kind. He'd commandeered a TIE Fighter and made a ridiculous number of modifications to it until he was left with the TIE Silencer. And that was what he wanted. Silence. He wanted to shut his own mind up.

So he jumped into the cockpit and took off without informing anyone that he was leaving. Without a destination in mind. He'd been sure to remove the tracker Hux attached to his belt and he'd disabled the tracker on the ship when he built it. He was determined to be _alone_.

He ignored the officer trying to hail him and took off before they shut the hanger down. There would be hell to pay when he came back. And he would come back because running away and disappearing wasn't an option. But he needed to get away, if only for a little while. 

TIE Fighters didn't come equipped with a hyperdrive, so he'd installed one into the Silencer on his own, it had been risky, but it had worked and never let him down. This time would be no exception.

There had been something he'd wanted to do as a child. He'd never gotten the chance to do it. He'd probably never get another chance to do it.

So he set out to beat the Millennium Falcon's record. That had been his goal in another life. He'd told Han Solo he'd make the Kessel Run in 11 parsecs. 

It was long past time to make good on that promise. Like his father he preferred doing hyperspace calculations in his head. He could've used the navicomputer, but he knew where he was going and he needed any distraction he could get.

He found himself at the beginning of the run and took a deep breath, catching a glimpse of his reflection against the glass. But it wasn't his, it truly was Han Solo. Just for a second before he was looking at himself again. He scratched at the scar dividing his face, trying to convince himself he was going crazy, that he didn't actually see his father looking back at him. 

He made the run in nine parsecs and the joy that flooded through him was so unfamiliar that it didn't even compare to the faded memories he had of the emotion from childhood. It was exhilaration in a much purer form than he was used to. Then he remembered joy wasn't something he was so supposed to experience. Monsters didn't deserve joy.

It was time to go back to the Finalizer. He'd accomplished what he'd set out to do and now that he had something waiting for him when he got back, even if was a punishment from Snoke, he didn't dread being on that ship as much. 

Evidently any punishment was going to have to wait. When he dropped back out of hyperspace he was confronted with the Finalizer being swarmed with X-Wings. The Scavenger had sent the Resistance after Skywalker. He could only hope she left his involvement unmentioned.

He reached behind him and grabbed his helmet, securing it in place and made a straight shot for the hanger. The ship was too fast and his ability to maneuver around debris was too good for the enemy fighters to take him out before he landed his ship safely. 

He knew he should get to the prison block, prevent Skywalker from being rescued. That was his _job_. But he was afraid of what he might be asked to do when he got there.

He headed there anyways. If he didn't, Snoke would become suspicious. It was already suspicious that he hadn't been on board when the attack began.

The situation was worse than he thought it would be. He'd told the Scavenger to stay out of it. To send the Resistance, not herself. But there she was, fleeing through the corridor from Stormtroopers and Hux, Skywalker a beat behind her. 

She wasn't looking at what was ahead of her, instead she was looking backwards, deflecting shots with her saber staff. She was the last to notice him standing, posture relaxed in the middle of the hallway, blocking her path. 

Everyone else had stopped, even the troopers had ceased firing and she skidded to a halt as she turned to see what had everyone rooted to the spot.

He opened his end of the bond to admonish her, _you weren't supposed to be here._

 _Why are you wearing that mask?_ She sounded disappointed that she couldn't see his face. 

He was glad she couldn't. He was glad no one could see his face, because he was looking at her with a mixture of awe and trepidation. He couldn't hurt her and it terrified him.

But he was saved from having to instigate an actual confrontation thanks to a blast originating a few levels above causing sirens to ring, the ceiling to partially collapse and smoke to fill the air. He was knocked into the wall from the power of it and the Scavenger had fallen to the ground.

She pushed herself back up, attempting to drag Skywalker from the portion of the ceiling he'd been pinned under.

He wanted to laugh, she was so powerful in the Force and she was trying to free someone using just her physical strength.

There were too many witnesses for him to not intervene. He stalked forward, blade ignited. He towered over both of them and he flung her away from Skywalker with the Force. He was as gentle as he could be given the situation. He looked down at his uncle, saber hanging loosely at his side. He needed to kill him.

But the Scavenger was shouting at him as she picked herself back up and ran back towards them.

"BEN!"

He couldn't stop himself from turning to look at her after she called him by his true name, a habit he'd thought he'd broken.

"Help me get him up, help us escape," she continued.

He cocked his head to the side.

 _Escape with us,_ she whispered across the bond.

He looked back down at Skywalker.

"Ben, you know what you need to do," Skywalker said in a hoarse whisper, too quiet for anyone but him to hear.

He nodded imperceptibly, squeezing his eyes shut. He didn't want to watch himself do this. He was haunted enough by his father. He raised his saber.

Pure panic rushed through the bond from the Scavenger. He swung down.

The brilliant blue signature of his Uncle blinked out of existence.

It was probably only due to the bond that he was able to sense the Scavenger charging at him. He spun around quickly opening his eyes and brought the fiery blade up to block her swing. 

He silently made a note to thank the Knight who wielded the staff for providing him the opportunity to practice fighting against someone like the Scavenger.

"How could you?" she gasped between tears as he pushed her back.

"I warned you Scavenger," he growled, "whatever you think you sensed in me doesn't exist."

"My. Name. Is. Rey," she bit out as she twirled out of reach, avoiding his lunging stab.

"You said so yourself Rey, I'm a monster," he was mocking her.

"You're worse. You. Are. Heartless."

"You really think your words can hurt me Rey?"

"Yes," she growled, "I think you're terrified of things I could say about you."

"Tell me Rey, who would believe anything you said about me unless it's to report that I killed Skywalker," he sneered.

She flinched when he talked about her former Master so callously.

"No one," she conceded, "But I'd only need to show them what you've shown me."

He was confused, "What did I show you?"

"Your memories."

She wasn't lying. He'd thought about the mission Skywalker gave him when they were talking through the bond previously. She'd seen it. She'd seen his memory of her on Starkiller with the Skywalker blade as well then. Thankfully she didn't mention that. 

"How do you know that really happened? I could've made that up to gain your trust." 

"You can't lie to me," she declared confidently, "but you've gone too far. You've lost sight of what he wanted you to do."

"I suppose you could be right about that," he didn't need to tell her that she'd just voiced one of his greatest fears.

"You ensured that _everything_ you've done has been in vain. I'm just here to stop you now, before you can do more damage."

He didn't need her throwing his failures in his face, he was already living with them.

He lunged for her then. He just needed to get close to her to turn the length of her weapon against her. His legs made that easy, one stride for him was at least three for her. He crowded her and when she went to slam the hilt of the staff into his throat he kicked her in the stomach, sending her to the ground where she landed on her back.

He stood over her, blade lightly singeing her neck. He stayed there, almost frozen.

"Take your mask off. You don't get to hide behind it when you kill me," she demanded.

He obliged, wrenching it off, leaving it hanging in his left hand. His blazing eyes bored into hers.

His saber didn't move.

"Do it. I know you want to. I know you want to kill me," she was taunting him.

He raised the blade, intending to slice through her neck. But he couldn't. He stopped himself just in time. 

He snarled then, backing away from her, blade still trained on her.

She stayed put, but didn't stay silent, "What's the matter Ben? You didn't seem to have a problem killing Luke or your father? I'm easy, I'm just a Scavenger. Kill me."

He dropped the helmet from his loose grip and shot his hand forward, calling her to him with the Force. He wrapped his fingers tightly around her throat. She would be left with bruises. 

"You know I can't," he murmured.

He tossed her away from him, retrieved his helmet, slammed it into place and ran back to the Silencer.

Leaving the Scavenger alive, unharmed, and free for the third time.


	16. Chapter 16

The Finalizer was worse for wear, but it was salvageable. For as much damage as the Resistance caused, the ship was twice as large and twice as well built. He’d gone to join the fight in his TIE Silencer after leaving the Scavenger behind, but they cleared out in mass soon after, probably because the Scavenger informed them that Skywalker was dead. If there had been a chance of his mother forgiving him after he killed her husband, it was surely gone now and that realization tugged at him oddly, but he quickly shoved that deep into the recesses of his mind. He briefly wondered how much more he could hide before it all came spilling out.

From what he could tell, the Scavenger had made it out safely. He could sense her out there somewhere in the galaxy and he was surprisingly relieved. As much as he wanted to reach out to her, to make her understand, he restrained himself. It would do him no good, especially because Hux demanded that he and Phasma come to his office for a meeting.

Phasma was the first to speak once they’d all gathered, "What the hell happened?"

"It appears we were attacked by the Resistance," he couldn’t stop the comment from slipping out.

He and Phasma were still wearing their helmets, but he could feel her glaring at him underneath it.

" _How_ did they _find_ us?" Hux was clutching at his usually smoothed down hair.

He clenched his fists, "There are ways of communicating through the Force…"

"Skywalker was in a cell _specifically_ designed to prevent him from doing that very thing," Hux spat.

"If he had a force bond with someone that wouldn’t matter, he could communicate with the person anyways."

"And what are the chances of _that_ Ren?"

"I believe he had a weak one with the Resistance General," he said stiffly.

He was thankful Hux didn’t mention the Resistance General was his mother, instead all Hux did was close his eyes and tilt back in his chair before finally saying, "At least he’s dead now."

"Snoke won’t be happy about how it happened…"

"Well, it’s better than him being with the Resistance again. Did you get the girl?"

"No."

"Seriously Ren? This is third time she’s gotten away from you!" Phasma interjected, "Hux, you should let my troops take care of her. How did she escape this time?"

"I let her go. It was either stay with her or go help. With Skywalker dead, it seemed more pertinent to defend the Finalizer."

"I couldn’t care less about the girl. She’s your and Snoke’s side project. You can figure that out with Phasma without involving me. Getting back on the offensive is more important. We need to confer with Leader Snoke," Hux effectively put an end to their side argument.

Phasma turned to leave, assuming that she wouldn’t have to be present for his and Hux’s beatdown from Snoke.

“ _All_ three of us," Hux said shortly.

"I don't think that's necessary General," Phasma said icily.

"I do. And we're on my ship, I'm in charge. When we're in the field you're in charge."

"And Ren?"

Hux shot him a look, "He does whatever the hell he wants regardless of who's in charge."

"Well General, since _you're_ the one in charge, what are we going to tell Snoke?"

Plasma had him there and his face turned almost as red as his hair.

"We tell him that the Resistance attacked the Finalizer in an attempt to rescue Skywalker and that we believe that he had a Force bond with the Resistance General, allowing him to share our location despite precautions we took against his Force abilities. We were able to fight of the Resistance and avoided damage to vital parts of the ship but Skywalker was killed in the crossfire," he smoothly explained the lie.

"You're not going mention how you let the girl escape?"

"Enough about the girl. She doesn't matter," Hux snapped.

Hux was wrong, but in this situation he was happy to agree with the General.

Hux stood then, "Let's contact Snoke and get it over with."

The three of them, all tall in their own right, were dwarfed by Snoke's hologram.

Hux, who stood in the middle, opened his mouth to speak, but Snoke beat him to it.

He leered over them, "You killed Skywalker?"

"Yes."

"I wasn't taking to you General, I was referring to Ren."

Of course Snoke would know he was the one who did it. He remained silent.

"I was under the impression that I had told General Hux he was to be the one to kill Skywalker," he continued.

"There were extenuating circumstances," Phasma spoke up.

"Captain, it has been a while since you've graced me with your presence," he acknowledged her in a manner too friendly to be anything other than terrifying. He felt a spike of worry from her as she wondered if he'd told Hux or Snoke about her betrayal. 

But then Snoke redirected his attention to Hux, "What happened here General?"

"The Resistance attacked, it appears they were trying to rescue Skywalker, the Finalizer sustained damage, but hasn't been crippled. We believe Skywalker communicated our location to their General through a Force bond."

"Is that so?" Snoke’s gaze flickered over to him and he hoped that murdering another family member would protect him from any suspicion.

"Very well, I expect you to come up with a new offensive strategy. Now leave," Snoke dismissed them and his hologram flickered and then disappeared.

They filed out of the room and Phasma immediately left to return to the barracks.

"Either you're going to kill her or she's going to kill you," he remarked to Hux, who had his eyes narrowed and trained on her.

"You're probably right," Hux muttered darkly. 

He left then, he actually needed to talk to Phasma, he had to sprint to catch up to her, her strides as long as his.

"Captain."

"What do you want Ren?"

"I want to know what your problem is. Why are you so fixated on what happens to the girl?"

"Because I _know_ you're the one who told _her_ our location."

He'd forgotten how insightful she could be. 

"I didn't betray the Order; I'm not you," he sneered.

"You've been protecting her."

"Prove it."

She bristled at the challenge and he continued, "You can think whatever you want, but don't forget _I_ know what _you_ did. You have no evidence supporting _your_ claim. Besides what you did was much worse than what you're accusing me of."

"You don't frighten me Ren."

"I know, it's why I respect you," he said before turning on his heel and stalking back to his quarters.

Once he was in the privacy of his own rooms, he removed his helmet with shaky hands and made a beeline for the fresher. He stood under the water until it turned cold. 

He'd murdered his uncle. The only family he had left was his mother. Knowing Snoke, his final test would be to kill her as well.

He didn't know if he could do it. 

But he'd thought that about his father and Skywalker. Maybe the Scavenger was right. He was heartless. There wasn't a line he wouldn't cross.

Except _her_. Never her.

He needed to know why. He couldn't figure out what was so important, so different about her. The mystery surrounding his draw to her was as infuriating as the fact that she existed at all. He wanted to chalk it up to the Force bond. The consequences of one of them dying could be grave for the survivor. He also needed her as a fail safe in the event he was unable to complete his mission.

And yet there was still something else. Something more significant than either of those things. Something that threatened to consume him.

As much as he wanted to know what it was, a greater part of him was terrified of the implications that it would have.

Despite all of that, he was drawn to her, to her light, and he couldn't resist the call of it for long. He gave in quickly, tugging gently on the bond.

He could sense her realize he was trying to connect, but she refused him.

_Rey._

Nothing.

_Rey please. I- I have something I need to show you._

_Leave me alone murderer._

_Please. Just let me show you this one thing. Then I'll leave you alone, you have my word._

_Fine._

He didn't quite know why he was doing this. There was no logical reason behind what he was doing. Still, he began to show her his memory of him killing his father. 

_I've already seen this you monster, twice,_ she hissed.

 _No,_ he insisted, _not like this._

He knew he'd already shown her this memory, but this time he allowed her to feel his emotions.

Pity surged through the bond and he resented it. He didn't deserve her pity.

_Why did you do it?_

_Those were my orders,_ he didn't elaborate further.

_You didn't want to do it._

_Of course I didn't. What kind of person wants to do that?_

He regretted asking the question instantaneously. Because he knew the answer. Because he was the answer, he was the kind of person who would want to do that. Because only a monster would want that and he was a monster.

She ignored the question thankfully.

_You said you wouldn’t kill Luke._

_I received new orders._ He didn’t mention that he received them from Skywalker. She knew his intentions, but the chance of her believing that was slim.

_You have orders to kill me._

_Had._

_What do you mean had?_

_I had orders to kill you. I disobeyed them. Now my orders are to capture you if I the opportunity arises, but since you have no one to train you, you’re not a threat worth killing._

_Did you tell your leader that?_

_Yes,_ he answered without hesitating.

_Why?_

_Because I don’t want to kill you._

_You didn't want to kill your father, you did that anyways. Why can’t you kill me?_

_I don’t think either of us really want to know the answer to that question._

He couldn’t consider his reasoning too closely, if he identified the thing that drove him to protect her, it would irrevocably wreck them both.

_But I need to know._

_Why is my reason to keep you alive and away from the Order so important?_

_Because you’ve insisted that we’re not enemies, but we can’t be allies if I can’t count on you to make rational decisions and from what I’ve seen, that's something you’re incapable of._

_I don’t act mindlessly_ , he snapped, _there are reasons behind what I do._

_If I don't know what those reasons are I can’t rely on you._

_Just take the information you need from my mind, that’s what this bond is good for._

_It’s too painful. I don’t know how you stand being inside your own head. I won’t delve into your mind if I can avoid it. Besides I’m fairly certain that you’re mentally unstable._

He snorted aloud, _that’s an understatement._

_So just tell me why._

_I can’t._

_The reason can’t be worse than me having proof that you’re committing high treason._

_I can’t tell you because I don’t know._

_Well figure it out then._

_No,_ he said firmly.

_Just no? Really?_

_Really. If you need to know so badly, you can figure it out. You have access to my mind, my memories, my emotions, you can do it._

_What are you so afraid of?_

_You._

_You’re afraid of me? The only time I’ve bested you was when you were bleeding out on the snow. Every other time I’ve been at your mercy. What about me terrifies you?_

_I can’t hurt you. It’s a weakness and eventually it will be exploited._

_By who?_

_You. You still want to kill me, but I can’t harm you._

_I don’t want to kill you…_

_You can’t lie to me Rey._

She didn't correct him and he chose to ignore how much it hurt that she wanted him dead and that she wanted to be the one to make it happen.

_You can still best me, especially because you killed my teacher. You’re not afraid of me hurting you._

_Snoke. Snoke will exploit it, like he’s exploited me._

_What’s so dangerous about labeling your weakness?_

_I might do something stupid._

_You’re going to do that anyways._

He was suddenly struck with memories of his parents bickering with each other. His conversations with Rey were eerily similar. He quickly shut down that line of thought. Whatever his reasoning for wanting to keep her safe, it wasn't related to that. It couldn't be, feelings like that were supposed to be impossible for him.

_Why can’t you accept it for what it is? It’s just a weakness, stop trying to make it something more than that._

_I'm not trying to do anything of the sort. It’s more than just a weakness and I deserve to know what it is._

_I don’t owe you anything._

_Maybe not, but you can’t hide anything from me and whatever your reasoning is, it’s clearly important. At least tell me why you’re so averse to identifying it._

_It could be horrifying and put us in a position impossible to come back from._

_You want to keep me safe, whatever reasoning you have can’t be horrifying._

_You forget the things I’m capable of, the things I’ve done, the atrocities I've committed._

_You didn’t want to do those things, you had to._

_I wasn’t given a choice, but I still enjoyed doing them. If I was the perpetrator it meant I wasn’t the victim. Do you know what it’s like to realize you crave hurting others? Do you know what it’s like to be in so much pain that you would do anything to make it stop? Do you know what it’s like to enjoy killing children because it means you’re not the one being tortured? Because I do. I can be plenty horrifying Rey._

She pulled away from the bond and he was left alone in his fresher. He regretted his outburst. He regretted making her leave. He regretted that she could only hate him when he - when he… He wasn’t sure what he felt for her, but it was nothing close to hatred.

He wished they could truly be on the same side, but his actions ensured that was impossible. Besides he was used to things not going his way.

He needed to accept that he was alone, that there was no one left to care about him, that he was nearing the end of his mission and he would die the villain.


	17. Chapter 17

He had only just stepped out of the fresher when the all too familiar pain of the Supreme Leader invading his mind blossomed at the base of his skull. He practically doubled over in shock and fought down the urge to be sick. He stumbled into his room and collapsed in a heap on the floor, waiting for the real punishment to begin.

_So, Kylo Ren, you once again disobeyed direct orders from me._

_Yes,_ he gasped in agony.

_This behavior is unacceptable and cannot become a habit._

_I know. I know._

_I don't think you do._

The pain increased tenfold and he couldn't stop from crying out.

_Did you tell your little scavenger how to find us?_

_Yes,_ there was no point in hiding that, he'd find out one way or another.

 _What could possibly have possessed you to betray the Order in such a way, to betray me?_ His voice was dangerously quiet.

Now was his opportunity to lie, _Skywalker. I wanted to be the one to kill Skywalker._

He felt Snoke ravage through his mind, looking for signs of additional deception. Finding none he eased up slightly.

_A worthy reason, but intolerable nonetheless. Come to me in a standard week. It's almost time for your final task._

He didn't have the chance to respond before Snoke lit his mind on fire. It was put out a fraction of a second but the pain lingered. Finally Snoke withdrew from his mind leaving him with a throbbing headache that he couldn't sooth even if he had the energy to try.

There was no chance for him to recover before Rey was frantically tugging on the bond. 

He'd forgotten to protect her from Snoke's wrath, though he doubted he would've been able to based on the condition he was left in.

_I'm sorry Rey, I hadn't expected that to happen. Are you okay?_

_Are you?_

_I've experienced worse._

Suddenly, calming tendrils of light emanated from her, working to ease his pain.

_Thank you Rey._

She ignored his acknowledgment her kind gesture.

_Snoke wasn't the one who ordered you to kill Luke, was he?_

_No, no he wasn't._

_Why would Luke ask you to do that?_

_I needed to keep my cover intact or else everything he'd done would've amounted to nothing._

_Did you have to kill him to do it?_

_It was him or you._

_You made the wrong choice._

_You're MAD I didn't kill you?_

_Yes! Because now the Resistance has next to no chance. I'm their only Force user and I'm completely untrained._

_You're more powerful than you know._

_That means nothing if I don't know how to control it._

_You should've accepted my offer when I first made it._

She growled through the bond. Actually growled.

_Rey I know you don't want to hear it, but I do need to teach you something._

_What?_

_I need to teach you how to hide your Force signature. You also need to practice blocking me out and keeping me out._

_I know how to hide my Force Signature, you cheated by using the bond to find me, and I’ve blocked you out before._ She said testily.

_Not for extended periods of time and I’ve always tried my best to keep my end shut when Snoke starts tearing through my mind, but I can’t keep those types of barriers up without concentrating, and the longer he’s at it, the more my concentration slips._

_I know, but I’ve handled it before, why are you so worried now?_

_Because what you experienced today is going to be happening a lot more often soon, and it'll hurt a lot more as well._

_Why? What's going to happen?_

_Snoke has decided to complete my training._

_He tortures you while you train?_

_Torture IS my training. How do you think I learned all those Force abilities? He didn't show me how to do them. He performed them on me until I could block them._

_That's barbaric._

_It's nothing new._

_What's the point of hiding my Force signature?_

_There's a very good chance that Snoke will end up killing me instead of completing my training. If that happens, he'll come after you._

_Shouldn’t you be more worried about staying alive than trying to teach me?_

_No, because there is very little I can do to prevent it if he decides that I’m no longer worth the trouble. But I can still protect you._

_I don’t need your protection._

_I know, just humor me Sweetheart._

The term of endearment his father used for his mother slipped from him before he could stop it. He packed away the reasoning behind the slip to deal with later, possibly never. The bond remained silent and the tension grew exponentially as the seconds passed. He suddenly wished Snoke was torturing him again because that was more bearable.

_You picked that up from Han, didn't you?_

_Yes,_ he almost whispered.

_It’s better than Scavenger at least._

The awkwardness disappeared, although knowing Rey, she wouldn’t be a willing to let him ignore the issue. For now though, she was willing to put it aside.

_Are you ready to practice?_

_Depends, how do you practice this sort of thing?_

_I don’t really know, the only thing I can think of is actually tearing through your mind while you try to keep me out, but I don’t want to hurt you._

_You’ve torn through my mind before when you were searching for that map._

_Believe me Sweetheart, I was being gentle._

_You claim you’ve always gone easy on me, I’m starting to think that’s your excuse for me beating you._

_I was testing you, I wanted to see what you were capable of, which I admit was more than I expected._

_Well apparently there isn’t much time to test my abilities so you’ll just have to risk hurting me._

_I’ll stop as soon as I break through._

_I know. Now shut up, you were the one who wanted to practice._

She blocked him out and he was left alone within the bond. He pulled at her mind gently at first, he wasn’t testing her, he just needed to find her limit and work from there.

They continued like that over the week. He would try catching her off guard or try to break in while she was distracted with other tasks, each time he increased the pain he attempted to put her in and each time she kept him out longer and longer.

When he wasn’t practicing with her or sparing with his knights he was covertly downloading anything and everything pertaining to the First Order onto a single data chip. He had no idea how he’d get it to the Resistance. He considered telling Rey, but if no one knew what he was doing there wouldn’t be a chance for anyone to realize their files had been compromised and no actions would be taken to make the information he had outdated.

He had the chip tucked safely in his boot, his saber clipped to his belt, and helmet securely in place as he climbed inside his TIE Silencer and took off for the planet Snoke claimed for himself. After all these years, there was still a scar of sorts in his mind where Snoke had seared the coordinates in.

There was no point in informing Rey that he was on his way to Snoke. She knew when he was leaving and she knew where he was going. That was all that mattered, he wouldn’t fool himself into thinking that she cared enough to want a goodbye from him.

He put down his ship close to the entrance of Snoke’s lair, despite the fact that it was pouring rain and he could feel the ocean crashing against the jagged rocks all the way from the top of the cliff he removed his helmet before exiting. He could sense his end was near and he wasn’t going to hide behind a mask as he faced it.

His steps echoed loudly as he made his way to the Supreme Leader’s chambers. He could see his second shadow, the presence that had had him convinced he was going insane, in his peripheral vision. It would apparently accompany him to his death.

Upon entering the cavernous room, he was immediately forced to cloak himself within the Dark to shield himself from the Force Lighting directed at him. It had taken him a long time to master that ability to shield himself from such attacks, but once he had, Snoke used it to play with him. It was one of the few defensive abilities Snoke taught him. Once Snoke grew bored with his game, the real training started.

He did his best to keep the pain from bleeding across the bond, but it got through his defenses long before Snoke relented and allowed him to pass out cold on the ground.

Evidently, she had at least sensed his pain as he woke to her exploring his mind, something she’d sworn she would never do unless she had to. She was looking for something to no avail.

_Where are you?_

_I’m not telling you. The last time I did that you showed up when I specifically instructed you not to._

_Please, whatever you did when we practiced was nothing like this. I don’t know how you’re still alive, I would’ve rather died than be in that much pain._

_I can’t die, not yet. I still have unfinished business._

_Tell me where you are. I can help you._

_No. I need to do this myself._

_But you don’t! Accepting help isn’t a weakness._

_It puts your safety at risk._

_YOUR safety is at risk!_ she roared.

_That doesn’t matter._

She didn’t respond and he thought she finally saw reason and let it go. Instead she’d honed in on the coordinates permanently etched into his mind. He threw her out immediately.

 _I’m coming for you,_ was all she said before she put her defenses back up.

She was too stubborn for her own good. He loved that about her. He loved her Light, her Dark, everything. 

He loved _her_.

He loved her so much that it didn't matter that she could never love him, he was irrevocably hers. He quickly hid that secret along with the others.

The idea of Rey facing Snoke alone gave him the strength he needed to keep himself from giving up, even when the pain got to the point where he no longer cared about his mission. Despite all the time that Snoke spent shredding his mind, he still hadn’t found what his true purpose was. Snoke hadn’t found anything truly incriminating. He was eternally thankful because there was no doubt in his mind that Snoke would kill him instantaneously if he found out.

The haze of pain made it impossible for him to track the time. All he knew was that as he woke from his most recent bout of pain induced unconsciousness he could sense Rey. Snoke had sensed her too as he was nowhere to be seen in the chambers.

He clambered to his feet and sprinted distortedly towards Rey’s Force Signature. Snoke had been circling her like she was prey he was about to swoop in on as she stalwartly kept her eyes trained on him. Refusing to show the fear he could feel radiating off of her.

They were so focused on each other that his own appearance had gone unnoticed. That was his chance to catch him off guard, to end it.

Before he could do anything, Snoke turned and faced him smirking as he carelessly used the Force to fling Rey off the edge of the cliff and the last thought that flew through the bond from her was _I can't swim._

In that moment he realized he loved her so much that he was willing to sacrifice everything for her. With a strength he didn't know he possessed her locked Snoke out of his mind and dove after her.

All his cards were on the table, Snoke knew _everything._ But that didn't matter, he didn't care because all he could focus on was Rey's ever dimming Force signature.

He followed their connection, finally grabbing onto her arm and pushing them back to the surface. 

Once his head was above the water he adjusted his hold on Rey, cradling her in his arms, head propped up against his shoulder. He looked at her expectantly, waiting for her to demand he let go of her.

After a second it became clear that wouldn't happen. Not only was she unconscious, but she wasn't breathing.

He frantically swam to an outcrop of rocks, careful to not let her head become submerged again. He gingerly laid her on her back and immediately began compressions, trying to beat the water out of her lungs.

Still, nothing happened and he began to panic. _She_ couldn't die, that was _his_ destiny.

"C'mon Sweetheart, you have to come back. You have to. Please Sweetheart, I need you to wake up."

He was growing desperate but relief instantly flooded through him as she stirred. He rolled her on her side as she coughed up copious amounts of water so that she wouldn't choke.

The only thought running through his mind was a mantra of: _I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you…_

And she heard it, the adrenaline was still pumping through his veins and his mind was completely bare to her. He hastily put up his mental defenses, but it was too late. She _knew._

Guilt wormed its way into his conscience, he hadn't meant to burden her with that information.

He realized he'd been staring at her uncomfortably long, a look of abject terror on his face.

"Ben, I-"

He ignored the happiness he felt at her calling him by that name and cut her off instead, "You need to leave."

He stood up abruptly, turning his head so that she was stuck in his peripheral vision. Visibility was poor, the ocean mist permeated everything.

" _We_ need to leave," she corrected.

He reluctantly faced her again, focusing on a spot above her head to avoid making eye contact. He nodded solemnly.

The picked their way back to the Falcon and she lowered the ramp, but he made no moves to follow her and she turned to look at him.

"You said we need to go."

"No, you. Just you. I have to finish this."

"I won't let you do it alone!"

"You have to Rey," he procured a data chip from his boot, thankful it was waterproof, and tossed it to her "This is all the data I have on the First Order. I downloaded it before I came here. You _have_ to get it to the Resistance."

Her lip trembled and he reached out to stroke her cheek. He thought better of it and left his arm awkwardly stretched out between them for a beat.

"Come with me now," she pleaded

He let out a strangled laugh, "You know I can't."

"Where will you go when this is over then?" 

He didn't answer, instead giving her a hard look that he hoped conveyed that in all his years since he took on this task, he'd never once planned on making it out alive. In fact, he'd survived far longer than he originally anticipated.

She evidently understood, as she shoved the data chip back into his hand, "You have to bring it back yourself."

"Rey, this is my _purpose._ After I kill him, I'm worthless."

"That doesn't mean you deserve to die."

"After everything I've done, doesn't it?"

"No! Death is the easy way out. You haven't earned that. You have to live with yourself."

"Do you really hate me so much that you won't allow me this one good thing?"

"If it means you're alive, then yes. You have to come home."

"I have no home."

"Your mother still loves you. You're the only family she has left."

"Because of me! I'm the reason she has no family other than me. She shouldn't love me."

"You want her to, though. You want to come home."

"I can't. You know I can't. All that's waiting for me there is a cell, a trial that causes the General anguish, and my execution. I won't do that to her."

"You still love her."

He wanted to crumble in on himself, instead he pressed the data chip back into Rey's palm.

"Tell the General-" he paused, swallowing hard, "tell my mother I'm sorry."

She nodded and he could see unshed tears in her eyes.

He gave her a sad smile, "Goodbye Rey."

"No! You don't get to just say goodbye to me Ben."

He sighed, "What else is there to say?"

"If this is really goodbye," tears streaked silently down her cheeks, "I want to hear you say it."

"Say _what?"_ he was bewildered.

 _You know what,_ she insisted through the bond.

He stepped closer then, reaching his hand to gently cup her face and tilted it up until her eyes were locked in his, "I love you," he breathed.

She closed her eyes and nodded before silently walking up the ramp, concealing her Force signature just as it closed behind her. He kept his eyes trained on the Falcon until he could no longer see it. Only then did he turn to search out Snoke.

He could do nothing but hope Rey listened for once and had set out directly for the Resistance base.


	18. Chapter 18

Snoke had called for reinforcements in his absence. Normally that wouldn't have been a problem, he'd fought against all his knights at once several times and he'd always won. This time was different. They felt different, their weak Force signatures were warped. Snoke was controlling them, and that made them dangerous.

It gave them abilities they didn't naturally possess, they could fight through pain and exhaustion, and there were so many more than him. He immediately went on the offensive. There was no point in using Force based attacks, this was purely him swiping with his saber, desperately trying to decapitate his assailants.

He fought with a savagery he hadn't used since Starkiller and used the pain from a broken rib that punctured through his skin to strengthen his connection to the Force until he found himself hacking away at already dead bodies in a manner that could only be described as unhinged.

He paused, breathing heavily as his fractured rib attempted embed itself in the surrounding vital organs.

Snoke stepped out of the shadows, "If only this was a representation of your actual abilities and not of your potential. But you've never been strong enough. You're weak just like your Grandfather, your Uncle, and your father. I should've taken the Scavenger as my apprentice."

"Maybe. She's certainly stronger than you," he goaded.

Snoke snarled, "You will pay for your insolence Kylo Ren."

He laughed then, "I'm a Solo, insolence is an inherited trait."

“You have the gall to call yourself his son after murdering him in cold blood.”

“Yes, you said it yourself, I'm weak like my father, but despite that, I’m strong enough to defeat you."

Snoke's lips curled into a sinister smile, "Prove it," he invited.

He ignited his saber and Snoke withdrew his from the depths of his robes.

Their blades crashed against on another. His saber spitting embers angrily.

He quickly realized thanks to the extended hilt of Snoke's saber, he was never going to get a killing blow in without taking a grievous, most likely fatal one himself. He need to time everything perfectly or else he would die with nothing to show for it except an impossibility long list of wrongs he never atoned for.

He brought his saber down and stepped forward allowing himself to be impaled on Snoke's blade. Snoke had gone for maximum pain and aimed for his stomach. He gritted his teeth.

The triumphant smirk on Snoke's face slipped when a genuine smile grew on his. He recognized his mistake a moment too late. 

He realized Kylo had always planned on dying in this fight, that his real goal had been to take Snoke down with him. And then Kylo swung his saber up, swiftly slicing through the ancient creature's neck. 

The body collapsed and the blade extinguished itself. He bowed over in agony. The wound cauterized itself so he at least wasn't bleeding out this time, but without medical attention he would die. He almost laid down, content to let it happen. But he couldn't. Rey was right. He hadn't earned it. There was so much damage he'd personally done, at his own behest. He deserved to live with himself. He gathered as much Light as he could and healed the worst of his injury. It would scar badly, but it would heal as long as it didn't get infected.

He forced himself to look down at Snoke's body. It was over. It was finally _over._

But then he sensed a First Order ship approaching, the Knights of Ren hadn't been the only people Snoke called to stop his wayward apprentice. He couldn't let himself be captured. He knew they would torture him until they grew bored. He undoubtedly deserved that, but he was a coward.

He needed to leave, but he still took the time to carve his resignation into Snoke's body with his saber, petty payback for all the times Snoke carved into him. Pleased with his handiwork, he retrieved the head and his old master's saber before limping to his TIE Silencer.

He shot out of the atmosphere and made a hyperspace jump to the first system he could think of, he just needed to get away from the Order first; then he could figure out where to actually go.

There weren't many places that fit his needs. He needed a planet with cover so he could hide his ship, the ship had no official ties to the First Order, so civilians weren't a problem, but the Order would have their spies looking for it since they couldn't look for him directly without revealing that their leader was dead and their main enforcer had gone rogue. Most importantly, he needed a place where he could get a drink. 

Those were the only reasons he carefully landed his ship and made his way into Maz's partially rebuilt castle on Takodana.

It was reckless to go there, but few people knew his adult face and Maz was not one of them, it was as safe as he could get given the circumstances. Still, instead of going to the bar to order, he slunk into a shabby both tucked in the corner and manipulated the mind of a fellow patron to bring him three glasses of Corellian Whiskey. One for him, one for Han Solo, and one to sanitize the wound.

He pushed one glass to the other side of the table, he could almost see his father there, knocking it back in one go. As a child he'd try to copy him only to spit the drink back out. Now he did it just as smoothly as his father had. Still the drink burned on its way down. He pushed his empty glass to the edge of the table. He leaned back and lifted his shirt away to pour the last glass over his injuries. It stung and he gasped at the sensation before putting his shirt back in place.

He signaled his unwitting bartender to bring him another drink. 

He was busy staring at the empty seat across from him, the one that should've held his father, his mother, his uncle, Chewie, possibly even Rey if he hadn't become so twisted by the Dark.

When a figure approached he looked up. He was faced with empty space, he looked down and found Maz Kanata glaring at him, glass of whiskey in hand.

She raised it, "You know Ben Solo, that's not how the Force is meant to be used."

He reached for the glass, but she just passed it to a customer who happened to walk by at the right time. 

Still, he wasn't mad about that. The only thought in his mind was _how the hell did she know it was him?_

She took the seat across from him and he frowned, that seat wasn't for her.

"You really think I wouldn't recognize my own godson?" she scoffed.

He said nothing and she settled in, apparently ready to wait out his stony silence. 

She picked up the glass that was in front of her, the one meant for his father. Looking at it curiously she asked, "Who is this for?"

He stiffened beneath her scrutinizing stare.

"No one," he mumbled.

She scoffed again, "Well obviously Ben, you've backed yourself into a corner with no friends on either side-"

"Thanks, I hadn't realized," he bit out angrily.

"Who do you want it to be for?" she continued in a much gentler tone.

He felt tears burn behind his eyes and he looked away, "It doesn't matter, like you said 'no friends on either side.'"

"Ben," she softly admonished.

He slammed his fist on the table, "Don't call me that!"

"Why not? It _is_ your name."

"I don't deserve it. I'm not worthy of that name."

"Why did you come here?"

"I needed a drink."

"You Solo men never seem to understand that I can see through your lies."

He pressed his lips into a hard line, but ultimately relented and admitted the truth, "I had nowhere else to go."

"So you came to the place that you and your friends completely destroyed? I haven't even finished repairs. That takes guts. Your father would be impressed."

His heart ached, when he was younger that had been all he'd wanted to do was impress his father.

"Speaking of guts," Maz continued, "pouring liquor on an abdominal wound is not adequate medical treatment."

"I've received worse thanks to your boyfriend," he drawled sarcastically.

"You can't tell me you didn't deserve it. But your mother will strangle me like a Hutt if you die of Sepsis under my watch, so you're going to get stitches and bacta."

He'd stopped listening as soon as she mentioned his mother, "You _cannot_ tell her I'm here. You can't tell _anyone_ I'm here."

She rolled her eyes, "Ben, I've harbored fugitives for centuries, calm down."

"You're always going to call me that aren't you?"

"Although it may seem surprising that I insist on calling you by the name your parents gave you, that is what I intend to do."

He chuckled dryly.

"C'mon, let's get you fixed up," she yanked him out of the booth with surprising strength and steered him towards a back room and set about treating his injuries.

He winced as she prodded at his ribs, "Hey! Easy!"

She looked up at him with an unimpressed expression, "You can take a bowcaster wound to your side and still put up a fight, but _this,”_ she prodded him again, "is too much?"

"Yes," he hissed, "and if you can't tell from my face that fight didn't end well for me."

"Seeing as you were bleeding out and weren't trying to kill her, it went better than you could've hoped for. At least that's how the girl described it to your mother."

He stayed silent and Maz didn't pry further.

He he didn’t speak again until she was satisfied with her work, then he quietly asked, "My mother, how is she?"

"She misses you Ben."

"Yeah, Rey mentioned that."

"You should go to her."

"I can't. I can't face her, not after what I've done."

"I wasn't talking about Leia," she said knowingly.

"She's already tied to me through the Force, I'm not going to impose myself on her any further."

"You can't keep running Ben, it'll catch up to you soon enough."

He stood, putting the clean shirt Maz had given him on, "I know."

He left then, that woman unnerved him and he had business to take care of.

Maz followed him out. 

"What?" he snapped.

"I believe you have something that should be put in the hands of the Resistance.

Right, Snoke's head. He'd forgotten about that. He retrieved it and held it out for Maz to take. She glared at it.

"You don't really expect me to just walk around carrying that in the open do you Solo?"

He sighed, but shrugged off his cape and wrapped the offending object in it.

"I'm still not touching that Ben."

He growled.

"And I have something you're going to want."

She turned and walked back to her castle, leaving him no other option to tramp through the forest behind her.

"I'm not staying Maz," he warned.

She ignored him and he followed her down a flight of worn stone steps and into a dark room that he could sense was filled with secrets.

"Is this where you're locking me up until the Resistance comes to retrieve me?

"Shut up Ben and put your trophy into that open chest," she directed as she rifled through a pile that seemed to have accumulated over several centuries.

He unceremoniously dumped Snoke's head into the chest and slammed the lid down hard. He turned around and found Maz holding out a worn leather jacket.

"This was your father's, he left it here a long time ago, he left a lot of things here after you turned. It's yours now."

He took the jacket carefully, examining it. He was hit with a memory of his father tucking it around him as a child. He put it on, not trusting his voice to refrain from wavering if he spoke.

He took a deep breath, calming himself, "There's one other thing I need to give you. It's for my mother, don't give it to anyone other than her."

"Of course."

They trekked back to his ship in silence. After a few seconds of searching, he grasped onto his helmet.

He examined his reflection in it, seeing his father staring back at him no longer frightened him. He handed it to Maz.

"I don't need it anymore," he explained before taking off.

He hesitated in punching in the coordinates for his next location, but he pushed through the dread. He _needed_ to go back to Jedha.

He wedged his ship through the opening in the cavern that lead to the tunnel he'd crawled through to retrieve the kyber crystal that powered his blade. A blade that had taken too many lives. He couldn't keep using it.

He was taller and more built than he had been when he'd first crawled through it, making an already cramped space feel claustrophobic. He could feel the crystal calling to him and a part of him feared that when he held it, it would turn red.

He could tell he was much deeper in the ground than he'd been when he retrieved his first two crystals, but still he hadn't reached his new one yet.

When he finally saw it glint in the nonexistent light, he eagerly retrieved it. To his dismay, it was too dark to see the color it had turned, so he made his way back out. Emerging from the tunnel, he was greeted by more darkness, night had fallen. Which was for the best, climbing up the plateau Luke had built the Jedi Academy on would make him easy to spot during the day. He stopped to grab his tools, his saber as well as Snoke's and clip them onto his belt before beginning his assent.

The ruins felt different from when he'd been there with Phasma. Sadder, but almost welcoming. He disassembled Snoke's lightsaber first, crushing the crimson crystal. Then he took apart his own, but he couldn't make himself destroy his already cracked crystal, instead he pocketed it before pulling out his new crystal.

The sun had just crept over the horizon, providing enough light to truly see it. It was obsidian. He could feel power radiating off of it and he knew that he could keep using his cross-guard design. Despite its power, the crystal was stable and building a quality hilt wouldn't be a waste of time. So he set to work, cannibalizing the components of Snoke's hilt to make his own. Even if the parts hadn't been of impeccable quality he would've done it anyway, to prove to himself Snoke didn't control him.

The final result was elegant and powerful, but most importantly free of the blood of innocents. He clipped it securely to his belt and gathered his tools. He had one last thing to do before he was done. He had to bury his victims.

He forced himself to walk to the site of the slaughter. He glanced around, there were so many of them. He didn't know any of their names.

He dug grave after grave, one for each Padawan, then he laid their remains out in his best estimate of anatomical order. He piled the sand back into each grave. Although he didn't know their names, he still gathered rocks and placed them at the head of each grave to mark them, to mark their existence.

They deserved so much better, but there was nothing else he could do for them. He sat there, gazing at the graveyard he’d created. He wished he knew their names. He needed to know them, needed to commit them to memory, put names to the faces that haunted his nightmares.

"I’m sorry. I’m so sorry," he said to the empty air.

"They know."

He turned around bewildered, he hadn’t heard anyone approach.

He was faced with the Force ghost of his uncle.

"Nice of you to finally show up."

"You really think I could speak to you without Snoke knowing?"

"You could’ve gone to Rey."

"She’s not attuned to the Force enough for her to sense me without being at a Force Nexus."

"Tell your sister to send her to one then."

“You’re not the only one afraid to face Leia?"

"At least you didn’t kill her husband."

"No, I just sacrificed her son to the Dark."

He hummed noncommittally, "What were their names?"

"You don’t need to torture yourself like that Ben."

He whipped around, "Yes. I. Do. I _killed_ them. Even if I didn’t deserve it, _you_ do. It’s your fault they were here at all."

Skywalker’s face fell, "I know."

"So, what are their names, when were they born?"

"I can’t sense who each individual grave holds, I can only tell you who was there that night."

He stalked over to a lone crumbling pillar and ignited his new blade. He carved all the names Skywalker gave him into the weathered stone along with their dates of birth and death. The youngest had been six and he fought back the urge to be sick. He’d murdered plenty of children, but it was different to deal with the aftermath, to know _who_ the child was. To have placed what remained of their body in a hand dug grave on a desolate moon.

"What are you going to do now?"

He traced the scar on his face again, "I don’t know. I hadn’t planned this far ahead."

"You could go home."

"Yeah, I’m sure that would go over well. The only person who would be remotely pleased to see me would be the General, and that’s because I’m her son. Besides, Vader is already a black mark on her reputation, she doesn’t need another."

"Rey would be pleased to see you."

“Rey’s pleased that I’m alive because it means she hasn’t been left with a broken connection. Past that, she is at best indifferent. She hasn’t reached out to me anyways."

"You haven’t reached out to her either."

"There’s no point in me doing that."

"You’re just as prideful as your father. He’s been keeping an eye on you."

"I know. Tell him I love him."

"He already knows."

He chuckled, "Of course he does."

"He wants you to go home to your mother. I’m inclined to agree. You’ve been alone far too long."

"I haven’t seen her in 15 years."

"She never stopped loving you. Not once."

"She doesn’t know. She doesn't know how much I look like him. She won’t be able to look at me."

"You are her _son._ It won’t matter."

"I’ll be walking to my own execution."

"More likely lifetime imprisonment."

"I’d prefer execution."

"We both know escaping wouldn’t be an issue for you."

“Yeah, and then I’d be a fugitive."

"Aren’t you already?"

"Not openly, the Order wouldn’t want others to know they lost their head enforcer. I’m wanted by the Resistance, but they only know me by my mask."

"You can’t escape this. You have to go back."

"If I do, will you leave me alone?"

"Yes."

"Fine."

"Do you know where the Resistance Base is?"

"No, and I don’t need to."

"The bond has gotten stronger, hasn’t it?"

"Yes," he muttered.

Skywalker didn’t mention his obvious aversion to talking about it, instead only saying "May the Force be with you Ben."

He gave Skywalker a curt nod and took off for his ship.


	19. Chapter 19

The base on D’Qar was an eyesore. He’d grown accustomed to the funding the First Order had and the subsequent state of the art technology. The Resistance base looked like it was built by the Rebellion before the Empire’s fall. Then he realized it probably _was._ It was a good thing that his weapon would inevitably be taken from him, if he lost control of himself and attacked the base with his saber, he might permanently cripple the Resistance.

The icon on the dash blinked at him threateningly, he was being hailed. He answered.

"Who is this? This ship doesn’t have clearance to land here."

He froze. Who was he? He didn’t know. Maz and Skywalker insisted on calling him Ben. Rey occasionally called him that. He had the feeling his mother never _stopped_ calling him that. He didn’t feel like Ben though. He wanted to, but he hadn’t been lying when he said it was too late. There was one identity that he was sure of though, "The General’s son."

"You don’t have clearance to land."

"Put the General on now,” he growled

His low circling of the base was starting to attract attention.

"What the hell is it now?" a second voice crackled over the comms.

His breath hitched as he heard his mother’s voice for the first time in 15 years.

"There’s someone trying to land. They claim they’re your son."

He felt her Force signature tremble at the mention of him.

"Ben?" she whispered, almost afraid to hope.

"Mom," he answered in a shaky voice.

Suddenly, she was the General again, barking orders, "Let him land you idiots, we needed to get that ship in a hanger as soon as he broke atmo."

He let out a breath he hadn’t known he had been holding. She hadn't turned him away.

He gently landed the ship in the designated spot in the hanger. He clenched his fists, trying to prepare himself for what he was walking into. It wasn't working.

He noted his mother wasn’t alone, she was accompanied by the pilot he’d tortured for the map. He was holding cuffs. 

He forced himself to remain calm and he climbed out of the cockpit.

He took a few steps forward, hands raised, saber visibly clipped to his belt, he kept his eyes on the pilot, "So who talks first? You talk first?"

The pilot snorted, "I suppose I had that one coming."

He shrugged complacently and allowed him to take his saber off his belt and hand it to his mother.

He lowered his hands and clasped them behind his back and shuddered as the Force suppressing cuffs were locked around his wrists.

He finally met his mother’s gaze, she was looking at him with tears in her eyes.

"I’m so sorry Ben."

"Don’t. Don’t be. This is all on me."

She looked on devastated as he allowed the pilot to lead him through the corridors of the base to his cell.

People peered at the two of them with curiosity. He could sense them wondering about who this new prisoner was. They’d know soon enough.

He sensed Rey moments before he saw her. She was standing with FN-2187. He was met with a hard glare from the Traitor. Rey refused to look at him. He realized she hadn’t told anyone about the bond aside from Skywalker and evidently his mother. He faced forward again. 

The pilot deposited him in a cell designed to keep the likes of him imprisoned, removed the cuffs, and settled down in a chair against the opposite wall outside the cage.

He sat down on the cot and stared down the pilot.

Evidently growing bored with silence the pilot spoke. "Poe Dameron, but I guess you already knew that."

He sighed, "Yeah, I did. Thank you, by the way."

"For what? I just locked you in a cell."

"You kept that map out of the Order’s hands."

"That was my job, just like it was yours."

"I’m sorry…for torturing you."

"Can’t say I enjoyed it, but it’s water under the bridge now."

"How long have you known?"

"The General told me after she showed me the data you stole."

He nodded.

Dameron leaned forward, "How did you get it to her?"

"Is this an interrogation?"

Dameron nodded.

"Through a contact I have here."

"I suppose only Leia knows who that contact is."

"Yeah."

"Fair enough, I guess whoever it is grateful you’re not associating yourself with them."

He chuckled bitterly, "You have no idea."

"How long have you been feeding information to the Resistance."

"Since Starkiller."

"But the whole map incident happened before then."

"I was given my mission by Skywalker 15 years ago."

"What was the mission?"

"Kill Snoke."

"And it took 15 years?"

"Yes," he bit out, "I had to gain his trust and I had complete my training under him so that I could defeat him."

"How much did you know about Starkiller before it was used to obliterate the Hosnian System?"

"I knew it existed and I knew it was being used against the Hosnian System about 20 minutes before it happened, aside from that, I didn’t know much. I spent most of my time with Snoke or completing missions for him."

"You killed a lot of people. You’re a war criminal."

"I know."

"A lot of people here are going to want you dead once it becomes public knowledge you’re Kylo Ren."

"You’re not one of them?"

"No."

This time he was the one to lean forward, "Why? You _should_ want me dead. You _saw_ me murder someone right in front of you. You actually _did_ try to kill me for that. You _heard_ me order the slaughter of an entire village."

"We all do horrible things in the name of the greater good. And I think you’re already punishing yourself better than any of us could. I also respect the General, I don’t want her to lose her son when she’s just gotten him back."

“Thank you for taking care of her."

"Don’t mention it. So, who’s your contact?"

"I’m not telling you."

"How about I guess, and you tell me if I’m right."

He snorted, "You get three guesses."

"I can work with that. Is it Finn?"

Finn, the name sounded familiar but he couldn’t place it, "Who?"

"You probably know him as FN-2187. But since you didn’t know that I’ll take that as no."

"He was giving me the death glare when you marched me down here, why would you guess _him?"_

"You both have ties to the order. Is it Chewbacca?"

"I wish we were on good enough terms for that, but this is what he left me with the last time I saw him," he lifted his shirt to reveal the starburst shaped scar.

Dameron let out a low whistle, "How did that _not_ kill you?"

"I don't think he really wanted to kill me. He wanted to hurt me, but he cared about my father too much to kill me."

Sensing he didn’t want to discuss it further he asked, "Is it Kaydel Ko Connix?"

"I have no idea who that is."

"She’s a lieutenant and an aid to the General."

"Good to know, but you’re out of guesses now."

"We’ll play again tomorrow."

"Tomorrow? Has my mother assigned you to babysit me?"

"Sort of, she knows you can escape if you really want to and there’s nothing I can do to stop you. But when people find out who you are, they’re going to be mad, I'm here to deter them from trying to kill you."

"I can handle myself."

"I know. She knows that too. But murdering a bunch of Resistance members, even in self-defense, won’t look good for you."

"You can’t stay here round the clock."

“General Organa will be here when I’m not"

“You’re not seriously going to spend 12 hours of your day here?”

“We’ll leave you unsupervised some of the time, when it’s safe, but I wanted to ask you about that ship you came here in."

"What about it?"

"What is it? It’s a fantastic ship."

"It’s a TIE Silencer."

"How come I’ve never even heard of those?"

"Because that’s the only one."

"They only built one?"

"No, _I_ only built one."

"You built that?"

"Pretty much. You forget Han Solo was my father."

"I’m gonna sneak you out of here for an hour and we’re racing to see who really’s the better pilot."

"Good luck, that ship made the Kessel Run in nine parsecs."

"Oh no, we’re using Empire era X-Wings my friend."

"Friend?" he asked skeptically

"You _do_ know what a friend is, right?"

"I know what a friend is, Dameron."

"Have you ever had a friend?"

He shifted uncomfortably, "Is that relevant?"

"That’s a no."

"It’s not exactly surprising," he said wryly.

"Well I'm your friend now, so you can answer yes to that question."

"Why would you want to be friends with me."

"Because you’re a sarcastic ass, like me, and friends let friends fly their ships."

"You don't have to be my friend to fly that ship."

"I know, but you since the only person you seem to be on civil terms with is your mother, I’m gonna be your friend anyways."

“Thanks."

"So, what name do you want to go by?"

"You can call me whatever you want. I’m not in the position to just deny that I’m Kylo Ren.”

“I didn’t ask what _I_ could call you. I asked what name _you_ wanted to go by.”

He considered the question for a moment. He didn’t know who he was. He was still the Master of the Knights of Ren, well really the only Knight of Ren. He was still steeped in darkness. But he didn't want to be Kylo anymore.

“Anything but Kylo Ren.”

"I'm gonna call you Solo."

"I can live with that."

His mother came in not long after.

"Poe, I need to speak to my son alone."

"Of course General, see you later Solo," he called out before leaving.

Leia opened the door to his cell and he stood as she stepped inside.

“You took your sweet time coming home,” she admonished him.

“I wasn’t sure you’d want to see me.”

“I wasn’t entirely sure either.”

“I understand.”

“You look _so_ much like him.”

“I know. I took him from you. I’m so sorry mom”

“I’m not the only one you took him from. You took him from yourself. You lost your father Ben.”

The tears that often threatened to spill over when his father was mentioned finally fell this time and he found himself on his knees, his mother’s arms wrapped around his torso as they grieved together.

“Once this war is over, there’s going to be trial to determine what will happen to you. In the mean time you’re going to be detained here, and your identity will be kept a secret.”

She looked frightened.

“I came here expecting to be shot on sight. A trial is far more than I deserve. You can’t blame yourself for my actions or the consequences I face become of them.”

“Luke should have to be here for this.”

“He did the best he could.”

“He abandoned you!”

“He asked me to do this and _I_ agreed.”

 _“We_ abandoned you.”

“No, you were trying to protect me. What happened isn’t on you.”

“You were a _child_.”

“It doesn’t make me any less guilty. Whatever sentence I’m given, I _will_ deserve it.”

“I can’t lose you, not again.”

“Knowing how bureaucracy works and how much people love a good family drama, I’ll be stuck in this cage for a long time before they figure out what to do with me.”

His mother flashed him a watery smile.

“When…How did you find out what I was doing?”

“Rey explained everything when she gave me that data chip.”

“She needs to finish her training…”

“I don’t know how much you can teach her from inside this cell.”

“No, I am _not_ teaching her. She needs to go to Dagobah or back to Ach-To. Once she’s better attuned to the Force she can go anywhere to train, but for now she needs to be at a Force Nexus in order for Luke to communicate with her.”

“She won’t be too keen to leave while you’re on base.”

“If I intended to escape, I wouldn’t have come at all.”

“I don’t think that's why she’d be hesitant to leave.”

“I have Dameron to protect me.”

“I’m glad you two get along.”

“Me too, it’d be a little pathetic if the only person here who could remotely stand me was my mother. By the way, I don’t want anyone touching my ship except him.”

“I'll be sure to pass that information along.”

“So how are you planning on keeping my identity a secret?”

“The Order hasn’t released any information about you yet, which leads me to believe they have no actual intention of doing so unless they become desperate. Aside from that only eight individuals capable of revealing they know Ben Solo and Kylo Ren are the same exist. Luke because he can apparently manifest as a Force ghost, although he’s never visited me.”

“He’s afraid to face you.”

“He should be. Then there’s you, me, Chewbacca, Maz, Poe, Rey, and Finn. The only one that was a liability is Finn, so I made him sign a gag order stating that if he revealed what he knew, he would be sent to build and supervise a Resistance base on Jakku.”

“Knowing what I’d been tasked with didn’t help?”

“Only Luke, you, me, Poe, and Rey know the true extent of your mission. The fewer the people who know, the better for strategic purposes. I have to brief New Republic officials that have been sworn to secrecy on the situation, but I’ll be back, ok Ben?”

“I’ll be here.”

“Good.”

As soon as she left he retreated to the cot he'd been provided. He was too tall for it, but he still stretched out on his back, arms crossed and propping up his head as he closed his eyes. He fell asleep like that, he hadn’t slept since he’d faced Snoke down and exhaustion overcame him.


	20. Chapter 20

He woke up after night had fallen based on the faint lights illuminating the hallway of the prison block while his cell was enshrouded with darkness. But he wasn’t alone, there was someone sitting in the chair previously occupied by Dameron. It was the stormtrooper.

“I highly doubt my mother ordered you to keep an eye on me, so why are you watching me sleep?”

“You’re a prisoner Ren, I don’t answer to you anymore.”

He chuckled darkly, “I should’ve killed you on Jakku.”

“Yeah, probably, because while the General may be willing to forgive you, I’m going to do everything I can to make your life a living hell,” he stood then, although he didn’t step any closer.

“It already is,” he hissed, “How did you get in here anyways? Only Dameron and my mother are supposed to have access.”

“I took Rey’s clearance card.”

“Why does she have one?”

“I was going to ask you the same thing.”

“How would I know? You’re the one who could’ve asked her.”

“She said she didn’t know. Which means you asked the General to give it to her to try to get her to come to you.”

“You should consider the possibility she just doesn’t want to tell you,” he rose from his cot and gripped the bars of his cell.

“She wouldn’t. We tell each other everything, we don’t keep secrets.”

 _“You_ may not keep secrets from her, but I’m willing to bet she’s keeping several from you.”

“You barely know her; you’re in no position to make those kinds of judgments.”

“If you say so.”

“I’m serious Ren, stay the hell away from her.”

“In case you haven’t noticed, I can’t control who comes to grace me with their company, because if I could, we sure as hell wouldn’t be talking right now _Traitor.”_

“That’s rich coming from you.”

“You have no idea.”

The man fell silent, instead dropping back into the chair, keeping his eyes trained on him. He backed away from the bars.

“Are you just going to sit there all night?”

“Someone needs to make sure you don’t escape.”

He scoffed, “As if you could stop me.”

The man still refused to leave and it was grating on his nerves. He didn’t have the energy to deal with someone so self-righteous. There wasn’t anyway for him to kick FN out, so he called out to Rey, hoping she’d respond and come whisk the man away.

_Rey!_

_Yes?_ she answered cautiously.

_Please come collect your friend from the prison block._

_What are you talking about?_

_Your friend has taken it upon himself to prevent me from escaping and I’d greatly appreciate it if you removed him._

_Who? Finn?_

_Yes._

_How did he get in there?_

_He said he took your clearance card. He wanted to know why you had one._

_What did you tell him?_

_I told him I didn’t know._

She didn’t acknowledge his answer, only saying _I’ll be right down._

He retreated from the bond and waited in silence.

Rey burst into the prison block, she had apparently only bothered to put on her boots before running down in her sleep clothes.

“Finn! You _cannot_ be in here.” she hissed.

FN turned to face her, “What are you doing in here?”

“What am _I_ doing in here? What are _you_ doing in here? You don’t have clearance. I’m here to stop you from doing something stupid.”

“Ren and I were just having a friendly conversation, that’s all.”

He flinched when FN called him Ren in front of Rey, he didn’t want her thinking of him as if he was Kylo Ren, even though that’s what he deserved. Still, he didn’t speak up.

“His name is Ben.”

He smothered the warmth the spread through him when she said that.

“How did you even know I was here Rey?”

Even in the dark, he could see how her skin paled, “I was looking for the clearance card, I saw it was missing, and you’re the only one who knew I had one.”

“Why were you looking for it? Were you going to _visit_ him?” FN asked suspiciously.

“No!” she said emphatically, it hurt more than he thought it would, “I was going to put it somewhere secure so it wouldn’t fall into the wrong hands.”

“You should stay away from him Rey, he’s _evil.”_

“You don’t get to tell me what I can and cannot do. And it isn’t your place to judge him. Now give me my clearance card,”

He reluctantly handed it over.

“Now, let’s go,” she ordered. 

Neither of them spared him a second glance as they left. The one good thing that happened, aside from FN leaving, was that it appeared Rey wouldn’t mention that he’d told her he loved her.

He held onto that one disappointing comfort before falling back asleep. 

He woke up to Dameron knocking on bars of his cell, “Rise and shine Prince of Darkness. Breakfast.”

He groaned, but made no moves to get up. Dameron then evidently tossed two rations through the bars as they hit him square in the face. He got up then, glaring halfheartedly at the man grinning at him.

“I believe that counts as cruel and unusual treatment of prisoners of the New Republic,” he deadpanned.

“No, but what happened last night certainly violated some of your rights as a prisoner.”

He dragged his hand down his scar, “Nothing I didn’t deserve.”

“Rey’s your contact, isn’t she?”

Lying would only damage the fledgling friendship they had so he answered honestly, “Yes.”

“How did you even convince her to trust you.”

He hesitated then, he trusted Poe, but it wasn’t exactly his secret to tell, “I think you should ask Rey that question.”

Poe cocked an eyebrow so he continued, “She’s only told the General and Skywalker about it which leads me to believe she doesn’t want other people to know and I don’t fancy being on the receiving end of her anger for telling you.”

Poe chuckled, “I can’t argue with that, but I don’t think you need to worry about that right now, Finn is currently the one facing Rey’s wrath.”

“Why?”

“She wasn’t pleased with the trip he took down here, she was actually very defensive of you. I was curious as to why she had clearance in the first place, so I asked General Organa, Rey was the who asked to be given access to the prison block.”

He was shocked to hear that. He didn’t understand why she would ask for it, but not use it. He also didn’t understand why she’d want it at all.

Poe had kept talking, “Are you and Rey in a relationship?”

He felt his face blanch, “What? No. Absolutely not.”

Poe eyed him suspiciously, “But you have _some_ type of relationship.”

“You could say that,” he answered warily.

“And you care about each other?”

“I suppose so.”

Dameron smirked mischievously, but then brought out a small game of sabacc to play. He set it up, only pausing to type out a response to a message he’d been set on his data pad.

They still hadn’t finished playing by the time Dameron’s shift as his minder ended, so he packed it up with the promise of continuing the next day. On his way out he called over his shoulder, “Oh yeah, your mother is tied up in meetings today, so Rey is filling in for her.”

He sat there, emotions warring with one another. He wanted to see her. For so long it had just been the bond stretched across the Galaxy and unidentified emotion driving him. The ache had been bearable then. But now he knew how felt about her, she knew how he felt about her and she chose to stay away. That hurt so much more. He wanted her close to him. As terrified as he had been desperately swimming to the shore with her in his arms, he’d still never felt more complete.

What was worse was that as much as he wanted to see her, as much as it hurt that she stayed away, he knew it was for the best. She shouldn’t want anything to do with him and he could only try to make his influence on her life as minimal as possible.

He resettled into what he hoped came across as a convincing mediation pose and carefully guarded his mind from her. It was a pitiful attempt to prevent any interaction between them. He didn’t deserve to even be in her presence.

He didn't make any movements to acknowledge he was aware Rey had stepped into the prison block. He heard her scrape the chair away from the wall and drag it closer to the cell. He got the sense she was being loud on purpose, as if to provoke a response out of him. He kept his eyes closed, hoping she'd get the hint and remain silent. 

Despite his wishes, or possibly because of them, she spoke, "You came back."

He didn't reply.

"Why did you go to Takodana?"

"Needed to make sure Snoke's head got to the Resistance."

"Why not just come here with it directly."

"I hadn't planned on coming back."

"What did you do after Takodana?"

"I went to Jedha."

"I asked what you _did,_ not where you went."

"I built a new saber, I hadn't changed my mind about coming back at that point."

"You can't hide things from me, what else did you do?"

He stood up then, but still couldn't look her in the face, "I dug graves for the Padawans, I owed them at least that."

She picked up on his grief and didn't pry further.

He finally decided to ask the question that had been bothering him all day, “Why did you ask my mother for clearance to be down here?”

He could sense uncertainty emanate from her mixed with what appeared to be embarrassment.

“I…I thought…I thought that there should be a trained Force user keeping an eye on you.”

He knew she was lying, but he didn’t call her out on it. It wasn't his right to do that.

If he thought she’d be grateful he didn’t push the subject, he was mistaken as she became indignant, “Now all of a sudden you respect my privacy?”

“It’s no longer useful for me to know what you’re thinking or feeling.”

“You only spoke to me because it was useful?” the hurt was evident in her voice and he immediately knew he’d said the wrong thing. It was always one step forward, 500 steps back with her.

“No, that’s not what I meant.”

“You only let me go because I was more useful to you alive.”

“Rey…” he began softly.

“No! You…you only cared about me because _I_ was _useful._ You didn’t even _mean_ what you said,” he didn’t have to ask what she was talking about.

He should’ve told her that she was the most important thing in the Galaxy, that he loved her, that he’d always loved her and always would. He didn’t. He’d never been good at expressing himself. “Why does it even matter to you? The only reason you don’t want me dead is because of the Force Bond. You just don’t want to be stuck with a broken connection.”

She stood up then, knocking the chair over, “Why did you even come back?”

"You were right, I haven't earned my death, I deserve to live with myself.”

“But why did you come _here?_ You clearly don’t care about anyone on this base.”

“It was the only way Skywalker would agree to leave me alone,” it was only part of the reason, but it was the only part she’d believe so he didn't elaborate further.

Jealousy and resentment radiated through the bond, "Luke talked to you?"

"Only to tell me to go home and to give me a message for you."

"Why didn't he tell me himself?” she demanded angrily.

"He couldn't, you're not attuned to the living Force enough for him to be able to talk to you without being at a Force Nexus, with more training you'll be able to sense him whenever he reaches out."

"Is there one on this planet?"

“No, you need go to Dagobah or back to Ach-To to complete your training with Luke.”

“And what will you do? Burn down the base?”

“After everything that’s happened, after everything I’ve done do you really think I’d do that?”

“Yes, specifically based on what you’ve done. You took out Snoke and brought us vital information to destroy the First Order, but you’re still you. You’re-”

“Evil? A monster?”

“Volatile and so Dark. You have Light somewhere within you, but it’s so buried that I don't think you’re actually capable of caring for another person.”

Normally, he wouldn’t care. Normally, he’d be pleased that his Dark persona continued to exist because he didn’t know how to live without it. But hearing it from her hurt. It cut into him in a way he didn’t know was possible, it felt like she’d stabbed him through the heart with her saber staff, much like he’d done to his father.

He could feel his control slipping. He needed to destroy something. The absence of his weapon prevented him from slashing his cell to bits, so he growled and settled for smashing his fist into the wall, leaving a large dent accompanied by a reverberating bang. Rey jumped back.

“I was wrong,” she continued, “You’re not Ben.”

She walked away from him and he couldn’t think of a single thing to say to make her stay. He’d never wanted anything more than to be Ben in that moment. But she was right. He wasn’t and he couldn’t ever truly be him again. He was different from Ben on too many fundamental levels. No matter what, he would always carry Kylo Ren with him.


	21. Chapter 21

Snoke was no longer whispering in his mind, but there was now a void where Snoke had carved his spot. He was compelled to prod at it and he needed a distraction to stop himself. No distractions were available. Dameron wouldn’t be back until the next morning, his mother was busy, and he’d successfully convinced Rey to give up on him, she wouldn’t even speak to him through the bond. He was alone, like he always had been.

Logically he knew that wasn’t true. Poe would come back like he said he would and his mother was probably busy trying to save his pitiful existence from execution. But he’d grown accustomed to Rey’s presence in his mind, it was soothing. He never realized how much he wanted her there until she left.

He couldn’t fault her for that though. He wasn’t _good_. She was _supposed_ to stay away from him, and yet now that she had it felt like she’d abandoned him. 

What he’d done to her was worse though. He’d said something stupid and when confronted by it he lashed out at _her_. Instead of apologizing, instead of explaining himself he let her believe that he’d exploited her need for someone, anyone to care. Instead of apologizing, he hurt her because he wanted her to know what it was like to not be cared about when that was all you’d ever wanted. He’d hurt her. _Again._

He wasn't the type of person anyone could care about. She’d been wrong about one thing though, he was capable of caring. He cared about his mother. He cared about his father. And he cared about _her,_ he cared about her deeply. He hadn’t been lying when he told her loved her. If there was anything he was sure about it was that. He supposed that it was probably better if she believed he didn’t. He wasn’t exactly the ideal person to hear those words from.

He wallowed in existential despair, there wasn’t much else to do, until Dameron showed up the next morning, “You want to tell me what the hell happened in here yesterday?”

“Nothing happened.”

“We have footage of what happens in here Solo. Plus there’s still a dent in the wall.”

“Rey and I had a typical interaction with each other.”

“You were together for 10 minutes before she stormed out, how did you two manage to cooperate with one another long enough for you to pass along information?”

“The intelligence I had was worth the indignity of dealing with me long enough to obtain it.”

“And what made dealing with her worth it for you?”

“She’s hardly the most unpleasant person I’ve dealt with. I’ve never hated her the way she hates me.”

“That has to be one of the most depressing things I’ve heard in my life.”

“My life _is_ depressing.”

“Well, you’re not wrong about that, but she doesn’t hate you.”

“She should.”

“You’re going to be constantly disappointed then because no one can hate you as much as you hate yourself.”

“Disappointment is an old friend.”

“Alright Prince of Darkness, you’re done brooding for the day. Organa is still tied up in meetings, but I passed off all my duties for the day to make sure you don’t bury yourself in a pit of despair.”

“You really didn’t have to.”

“I know, but it’s a great excuse to relax the entire day and just play sabacc.”

“As long as you’re not doing it out of pity.”

“Once word gets out about who you are, you’re going to want all the pity you can get.”

“I doubt it. I don’t deserve pity.”

“It’s human nature to pity the less fortunate.”

“The less fortunate are the billions of people I’m in some way responsible for killing.”

“The Force isn’t Dark and Light, it’s gray. Why do you think morality is any different?”

“Because I deserve to be punished for what I’ve done, no matter why I did it, or the good that I’ve done.”

“Doesn’t mean you deserve to be killed or reviled by everyone. It doesn’t mean you _are_ reviled by everyone.”

“I’m clearly not going to win this argument, so set up the game because I can at least beat you at that.”

Dameron lost but instead of setting up another game he put it away, “I flew your ship. It was amazing. I can’t believe the Order didn’t patent the design.”

“I refused to share the blueprints with anyone.”

“Well, I want to return the favor. I have a Resistance helmet; you’re going to put it on and we’re going to casually walk to the hanger and then we’re going to see who can pilot an X-Wing better.

He grinned, thankful that Poe hadn’t ever been close to Han because he knew he had the same lopsided smile as his father.

They got the ships in the air without any issues, partially due to him subtly using the Force to convince others that asking the two of them questions wasn’t necessary. After a few hours of increasingly reckless flying they called it a draw before one of them did something truly stupid and got hurt. 

Getting back in the hanger proved to be easy as well, but then he saw it. The Millennium Falcon was tucked away safely in a corner. He stopped mid step and just stared at it. 

Poe was soon at his side, "Do you need to go on board?"

"Yes," he said firmly, refusing to show just how affected he was.

As he stalked directly towards it Dameron jogged to keep up, "I'll hang around the ramp, make sure no one else goes in."

"Thanks," he was grateful to not have an audience. He'd been aboard the Falcon on Starkiller, but this time would be different, this time he wouldn't have a mask to hide behind.

He had to duck to avoid hitting his head as cautiously made his way up the ramp. Once he was safely out of view he removed the helmet, looking at the Falcon with his own eyes for the first time in 20 years.

As he wandered around, the memories and ghosts left behind followed him. It was overwhelming. Part of him wanted to leave, it was too painful, everywhere he looked he could sense his father and it made his heart ache. 

He knew his father had a stash of Corellian whiskey somewhere onboard. It was most likely gone, but he searched anyways, each time he was on it as a child he would always find at least one new hiding spot.

He had purposely avoided the cockpit, but after searching every other nook and cranny he had to. Under the captain's chair, there was a jagged groove that looked like typical wear and tear, but he knew better and moved the heavy covering away to reveal the whiskey and a small box that had clearly seen better days. He sat down in his father's old seat and took a swig from the bottle to prepare himself for whatever was hidden in the box.

It turned out he should've downed the entire thing if he wanted to be prepared. The first three things he picked out were rings, two wedding bands, and one engagement ring. He pocketed them to give them to his mother.

Then came the photos. They were of him, he was in every single one. Leia was in a lot of them as well and there were plenty of just him and Han. There were pictures of him with his uncles, biological and honorary. Flipping them over he saw that his father had hand written the dates, his age, and who was in the photo. His father loved him.

He dropped the photos to his lap and retrieved the bottle of whiskey from the floor, taking another swing. He pretended the tears streaking down his cheeks weren't there. He hunched over taking deep breaths, trying to rein his emotions back in, he couldn’t break down, not when Dameron was just outside, waiting to accompany him back to his cell. He clenched his fists tightly, using his nails to break the skin as a way to ground himself.

He relaxed his hands and looked at them, palms up, years of similar abuse left numerous crescent shaped scars. The blood he drew from himself was only a minuscule fraction of the metaphorical blood on his hands.

He’d just gotten control of himself when he sensed her hovering. He wondered how she managed to get past Dameron. Ultimately it didn’t matter, he needed to go back to his cell anyways, so he tucked the photos away next to the rings and capped the whiskey. He stood to his full height and made his way out of the cockpit, intending to walk past her without saying a word, she had different plans.

Rey stepped forwards, blocking his exit, “I didn’t give you permission to be on my ship.”

The confidence she said it with was betrayed by the uncertainty emanating from her and he couldn’t stop himself from pouncing on that weakness, “Your ship? This ship was my father’s and it always will be. It belongs to me more than it belongs to you. Though I can see why you want it, I suppose a heap of junk like this would be luxury to a _scavenger.”_

She took several steps back as if to distance herself from his words. He took that opportunity to brush past her and shut out the shock and hurt he’d caused her.

Descending the ramp alone he cursed himself for what he said, for his cruelty, for his inability to tell her he was sorry, his inability to tell her that he _did_ love her. He told himself that it was for the best though. Her hating him and thinking he hated her was familiar, they knew how to operate in that situation. The roles of monster and the object of the monster’s affection were new, terrifying, and unfair to her.

He shoved the helmet back on and Dameron tilted his head, looking at him expectantly, “Well, what happened?”

“Nothing good,” he growled.

“It looks like you found some whiskey, so it couldn’t have been all bad.”

“I doubt I’ll be allowed to have it in my cell, so it’s yours.”

“You sure?”

“You broke me out of my cell, let me fly a ship, and left me unsupervised in a public area, it’s literally the least I can do to repay you for my afternoon of freedom and risking getting in trouble because of me.”

Dameron nodded, “Find anything else?”

“Some things that my mother should be given.”

“Want me to give them to her, or do you want to?”

“I’ll do it, I’ll just tell her you gave to me after you searched the Falcon for whiskey.”

“That’s certainly better than the truth.”

He laughed, “She’d be madder at me than at you.”

"You think Rey will tell on us?”

"I doubt it. She'd rather pretend I didn't exist, informing the General that you broke me out of prison to allow me to see my father's ship isn't worth ending that fantasy."

"What has you so convinced she hates you?"

"I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of. Things that I've done of my own volition. Many of them involve her."

"Why do them then?"

“I don't know how to treat her any other way."

"You could try being nice."

He snorted, "I tried. I evidently didn't come across as very sincere."

"Well I'm not going to get any further involved in that mess you two put yourselves in," Dameron took a swig of whisky.

"What about you?"

"What about me?" he asked in return, passing the whisky into the cell.

"You're friends with her and FN- Finn, sorry. I can't imagine you deciding we're friends made them happy. Unless you didn't tell them or if this is an elaborate prank. Both of which are understandable."

"Rey's indifferent. Finn was hurt."

"Reasonable, he doesn't know the entire story. I also came very close to paralyzing him."

"Yeah, I know."

"You shouldn't let those relationships suffer because of me."

"If me being here is a problem, they have each other to fall back on."

He wasn't entirely surprised to hear that Rey and the Traitor were close, he saw how the Traitor looked at Rey, it was the same way he looked at her. He was just grateful she believed he'd lied, it made the knowledge he'd confessed his love to someone who not only couldn't love him but actually loved someone else slightly less mortifying. He refused to let the realization hurt him.

"You don't have anyone to fall back on."

"I know you have my back Solo."

"There's a very good chance that I'll be executed when this is all over, I can't really have your back when I'm dead."

"If I can convince the Prince of Darkness to be my friend, I won't have a hard time finding someone to console me after your funeral."

"Well I'm glad my death will help you get laid. You won't be able to say I wasn't a good friend then."

"You let me fly the ship you built yourself and gave me whiskey, you already are a good friend."

"I've never had anyone ever use the word 'good' when referring to me."

"Don't get all depressed on me Solo."

"No promises. But you're the best friend in the Resistance."

Dameron laughed as he mirrored the words he'd said right before he tortured him. He was eternally grateful for Poe's easy friendship.

"If you don't mind me asking, what exactly did you find besides the Whiskey?"

"Her engagement ring and their wedding bands," he didn't need to specify that he was talking about his parents, "And pictures. My father had numerous physical pictures of us as a family."

"I can't believe the rings were still there."

"That old ship never runs out of hiding spots. I don't think my father even knew all of them."

They remained in pensive silence until Dameron had to leave to avoid being busted for further shirking his duties.

He spent the remaining hours before lights out staring at the photos. He could almost feel the Light radiating from them. They all looked so happy. _He_ looked so happy. Even as a child he looked like his father. Except his eyes, those were his mother's.


	22. Chapter 22

He slept with the photos clutched to his chest. He woke up sometime later, sensing someone was watching him. He was shocked to realize it was Rey.

"Seriously, what is _wrong_ with you two?" he growled.

"Excuse me?" she sounded indignant.

"First you stormtrooper _friend,"_ he spat the word with venom, "and now you. Why are you watching me sleep?”

"You watched me sleep," she retorted.

"You were a prisoner, I needed to interrogate you as soon as you woke up."

"I thought I was your guest," she said coldly.

He laughed without humor, "You still didn't answer my question. Why are you watching me sleep? Or better yet, why are you here at all?"

"I was hoping you wouldn't wake up."

“Yeah, that’s not disturbing at all. I was able to sense your friend in my sleep. What made you think I wouldn't be able to sense you? Especially because of the bond."

"I…" she looked around as if the answer would physically appear, "I don't know."

"Why are you down here? In the middle of the night no less."

She looked up at him helplessly and he took note of the dark circles under her eyes, she hadn't been sleeping. Exhaustion rolled off of her in waves.

"You should be in bed."

"Not tired."

“You’re lying. I can feel how tired you are. Why aren't you sleeping?"

"I can't," she whispered.

"So you came to me?"

"You're right, I shouldn't be down here," she turned to leave.

"I never said that," he insisted.

"You didn't have to."

"Rey…" he pleaded.

"I thought my name was Scavenger."

"C'mon Sweetheart, you know that's not true," he whispered.

"Then why?"

_You know why._

"No, I don't. I really don't. I don't know why you would say that you…that you…I don't know why you would say you felt that way about me only to treat my like I am dirt beneath your feet.”

It stung that she couldn't even say the words, couldn't bear to hear them even from herself.

"But you do. You _know_ why, you're just too afraid to accept it, and I can't I blame you because I'm too afraid to say it.”

The word _again_ was left unsaid and unacknowledged between them.

 _"That_ doesn't explain why you've been so cruel,” she said angrily.

"If you still hate me and if you believe I hate you, then nothing has changed. Those roles are familiar and uncomplicated."

"I don't hate you. Sometimes I wish I did."

"And that is why I've been cruel, to make you hate me, because it's what you want."

"But that's not what you want."

"No, but it's what I deserve, I deserve your hatred. Besides, what I want isn't important, it never has been. My life would be very different if I got what I want."

"How so?"

"I wouldn't be a killer. My uncle and my father wouldn't be dead. I wouldn't be on this side of a cell."

_I would still be Ben._

There were tears in her eyes again.

"Don't cry on my behalf Sweetheart. And for what it's worth, I'm sorry for what I said on the Falcon and in here, I didn't mean it either time. I'm just an awful person."

She let out a strangled laugh.

"What happens in your nightmares?"

"I can't tell you."

"Do you not remember them?"

"I remember them. I just can't tell you."

"Why not?"

"Because they're about you."

She was trembling and staring at the floor.

"Hey, look at me."

She shook her head and stalwartly kept her gaze downcast.

"Rey, please, look at me."

She finally obliged.

"I will never hurt you. Not again. I will never lay a hand on you for the rest of my life. I will never say a cruel word to you again. I promise you that."

She nodded, but added, "You're not the monster in my dreams."

"I'm not?" he was actually surprised.

"No, you're the one in danger. It's always different situations, usually you're protecting me, but every time, you die and there's _nothing_ I can do to save you."

"You came down here to make sure I was still alive?”

"Yes."

"You haven't done that before."

"This is the first time you were killed on Base in my dreams."

"How did I die?"

She mutely shook her head as if telling him would make it happen.

"How long have you been having these nightmares?"

"Since Snoke."

"You need to go to bed Rey, you need to sleep."

"But what if…"

"Nothing is going to happen to me. Only four people here know my identity."

"And in my dream it was one of the four. You can probably guess who."

"He would hardly be unjustified. I was one of his subjugators for years, I sliced his back open, and I attacked you on several occasions."

“What do our fights have to do with that? They don’t involve him.”

“It matters because he’s in love with you."

"I know," she looked down guilt written across her face.

Guilt because FN was a _good_ man who deserved more than what she could give him. Guilt because she couldn't love him the way he wanted her to. 

"Does he know you don't feel the same way?"

"I think so."

"He just wants to keep you safe. He doesn’t want me ruining you.”

"I don't need protection, especially not from you. You’re the one who needs protecting.”

"I am safe, the Galaxy won't let me die until I've stood trial. After that I can make no guarantees."

“What do you mean you can’t make any guarantees?”

“There’s a chance I’ll be locked in a cell for the rest of my life. There’s a better chance I’ll be executed.”

"They can't do that to you."

"They can and they should.”

“You’re not exactly making the nightmares any less terrifying.”

“I know, but I _can_ help, you’re just not going to like how.”

“I don’t care, I need them to go away,” there was a fear her in her that he’d never seen before, she almost looked distraught.

“Do you trust me?”

“Yes,” she said without hesitation.

He fought to keep a smile from forming on his face, he didn’t want to ruin this by reminding her of whose son he was. He didn’t want to remind her of who he’d taken from her.

“You need to come in here Rey.”

She opened the cell, and immediately rushed towards him and he took several paces back from her. Confusion flickered across her face. 

“What-?”

“I told you, I’d never lay a hand on you again.”

“You meant literally?”

“Yes. Take the cot, I’ll be here,” he went to crouch in the corner of his cell.

She caught his wrist, “No. Just, stay.”

He couldn’t deny her, he settled down on the edge of the cot while she sat down on the other end. There was a new tension between them and he gripped the cot to stop himself from bolting up and getting as far away from her as he possibly could. While he attempted to overcome his fight or flight response, Rey had begun to shiver on her side of the cot. The cold was nothing new to him, but it was to her and the prison block was buried deep within the ground so it was several degrees colder than the rest of the base. And she’d come down in her boots and clothes similar to the ones she’d been wearing when he’d interrogated her.

He’d been given a blanket, a flimsy one but still better than nothing, and it was laying in between them, unused. He knew she was too stubborn to take it, so he stood and wrapped the blanket around her. She visibly relaxed and looked up at him owlishly. He stared back a moment too long, too intensely. He abruptly returned to his spot and refused to look at her even though he could feel her eyes tracking him.

“You’re not cold?”

“I spent most of my life in cold climates, it’s a familiar sensation. Besides, I run warm.”

She took that as an invitation to curl up to him like a loth cat, catching him completely off guard.

Over the course of 15 odd years, he'd never had a woman do _that._ He was always careful to never let them linger long enough for something like that to happen. Snoke's teachings allowed, even encouraged, passionate but meaningless affairs. He'd probably exploited that leniency a bit, but he'd been careful, not once did he show any of the women kindness and not once did he allow them to show him any in return. Not once had he actually cared for them.

And now there was Rey, the woman he was irrevocably in love with, and she had wrapped herself around his torso in order to get warm. He wanted to wrap his arms around her, hold her close and never let go. 

But he was afraid. He was afraid to touch her. It was a completely different type of intimacy and it terrified him. Despite that, knowing she trusted him and having her close to him was more thrilling than anything he'd ever experienced. He felt complete with her there.

He tilted his head back against the wall, closing his eyes. He kept his hands clenched at his sides and she sighed exasperatedly, before taking his hands in her own, drawing them to her hair. He tentatively undid the knot she kept her hair in before hesitantly running his fingers through the loose strands.

She let out a contented sigh and he continued to stroke her hair until he dropped off himself.

He woke up with a stiff neck, but he couldn’t complain. He had long since become accustomed to the nightmares, he was never truly rested, but he could sleep. That night, with her next to him, his sleep was peaceful.

She was sitting on the other side of the bars, sifting through the photos he’d retrieved from the Falcon.

He stretched and resettled down on the floor, facing her.

“I would’ve given anything to have a family like yours,” she said it more to herself than to him.

“I know,” he murmured, “I would’ve too.”

She looked up at him, there was a deep well of sadness in her eyes, “When was the last time you were properly together with them?”

“Twenty years.”

“You look younger than you are.”

“Thanks? I think?”

“You also look older than you are. I can’t decide.”

“I’m not what you would exactly describe as traditional looking. I inherited the worst of my parents’ features,” he self-consciously rubbed his scar, “I suppose this didn’t exactly help.”

She leaned forward, reaching her hand between the bars of his cell. He fought the urge to rear back, away from her eyes that seemed to pierce right through him. Then her fingers were on the scar, the scar she gave him. She traced it down to where it disappeared beneath his shirt.

“It could be worse.”

“Thanks for that. I feel loads better.”

“It suits you.”

“I suppose it does, I certainly earned it.” 

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean?”

“Your face makes no sense, but the scar, it balances it. It looks good.”

“Did you just say that I was attractive?”

She ducked her head, a brilliant blush covering her face “I said your face looked good.”

“I’m never letting you live this down.”

“That’s not fair.”

“You’re right, you have something far worse on me.”

If anything her face turned redder. Almost as red as his. He willed his face to return to its normal color before she noticed.

When she finally looked up, he forced her to meet his gaze only for her to quickly avert her eyes. She was being shy.

“You don’t have to stay. I don’t think you’d want anyone to know you’re down here with me.”

“No one knows it’s you.”

“Your friends do, and soon everyone else will.”

“You think I care about that?”

“I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t.”

“I've never met anyone who loathes themselves as much as you do. Do you really think yourself to be so undeserving of compassion?"

"I know I am."

"You're wrong," she paused, taking a deep breath as if she was about to say something else. Instead she got up and walked towards the exit.

She turned to look back at him over her shoulder, “I’ll see you tonight.”

“Tonight?”

“The nightmares, I didn’t have them. But if you don’t want me-”

“You know that I do.”

Her face flushed again and she quickly walked out the door, while he was left staring at her dumbly.

Dameron walked in a few hours later, “So did you try being nice?”

“I was just honest.”

“You told her?”

He paused, considered asking how he knew, but ultimately decided he didn’t want to know how obvious his feelings for her were, “I already had told her.”

“And then?”

“Then she left and I went to face my death.”

“But you’re here now.”

“And now I have to deal with the consequences of me burdening her with that knowledge.”

“She didn’t seem too burdened last night.”

“She has nightmares, she needed someone to help her sleep.”

“She went to you.”

“Because I’m the one in her nightmares.”

“She’s not afraid of you.”

“She never has been. She’s always been braver than me.”

“You’re braver than her in one aspect.”

“Oh really, aside from my greater willingness to commit atrocities, what is there?”

“Despite your lack of people skills, human interaction doesn’t scare you anywhere near as much as it scares her.”

“Because I’m reckless and I have nothing to lose. I’m living on borrowed time.”

“Do you really think you’ll be executed?”

“Let’s just say that I’m not meant to exist outside of war.”

“I don't think you’re being fair to the New Republic. Regardless of how you feel about politics, we’re not the First Order, we’re not cruel.”

“I’m sure I’ll get a fair trial and my execution will be painless. I will be treated far kinder than I deserve to be.”

“They’ll ask for character witnesses.”

“Well then I have no chance.”

“You have three people solidly in your corner. Once people hear about what you’ve actually done, you’ll have more support.”

“I’ve killed Snoke and the Knights of Ren and provided intelligence on the Order. Even if weighing that against the lives I’ve taken wasn’t heinous, it still wouldn't be close to balancing out.”

“Killing you won’t balance it out either. And neither will keeping you locked in a cage.”

“It’s safer if I’m locked up.”

“You’re not a danger to society.”

“Aren’t I though?”

“No. I can say without a shadow of a doubt that you won’t hurt anyone unless you have to. Your regrets are written across your face.”

“Good to know I’m an open book.”

Poe nodded, “Leia is finally done working things out with the higher ups, she’ll visit you this evening.”

He nodded. He was going to give her the things he found on the Falcon. Part of him was excited to show her, he hoped it would put a smile on her face, but he couldn’t shake the fear that seeing the photos and the rings wouldn’t break her heart further.


	23. Chapter 23

He evidently had no reason to worry about breaking Leia’s heart more than he already had. She’d cried, of course, but they weren’t tinged with grief.

She didn’t ask how he’d gotten the photos, she actually prefaced the entire conversation by saying, “Dameron may have edited the surveillance footage but I still know everything that goes on in this base.”

He hadn’t said anything and simply handed her what he’d found. Now he stared at her silently, trying to work up the courage to ask a question that had been eating at him.

“Oh just spit it out.”

“How-uh, how’s the war going?”

“Ben-”

“I know you can’t tell me, the whole prisoner thing puts a gag on you. I just…I just want to know how much time I have left.”

“The Galaxy knows that Snoke is dead, Hux has declared himself the new Supreme Leader. Still no mention of you.”

“Really? That ginger bastard always had it out for me. Why is he keeping his silence now?”

“He’s arrogant. He thinks he can stop the Order from collapsing, keeping up appearances that you’re still working for them is a key component. He believes he still has the upper hand, he won’t ruin you until he accepts he’s going to lose.”

“And how much longer until he realizes he is going to lose?”

“Not long.”

 _“How_ long?”

“No more than a standard month.”

He looked down, nodding, he tried to be happy that what he’d done wasn’t in vain.

“What you did was crucial for the Resistance. You’ve provided us with invaluable information. You’re a hero Ben.”

He laughed bitterly, “It doesn’t make what I've done ok. It doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to be sentenced to death.”

“Do you want to die?”

The question made him pause; he’d never stopped to consider if that was what he _wanted._ He was surprised to realize his answer wasn’t a definitive _no._

“I’m honestly not sure.”

“Well too bad. I still have some strings I can pull and two other people who want to vouch for you as well as proof that you’ve been aiding the Resistance. I won’t _let_ your execution be a possible outcome.”

“I’d prefer it to life in prison.”

“I wouldn’t and neither would Rey. If you can’t accept that you have to live for me, at least do it for her.”

He felt his face blanch and he suddenly worried that Rey had told everyone what he’d said to her before he faced down Snoke.

“I’ve seen how you look at her Ben. It’s the way your father looked at me,” he’d forgotten just how good his mother was at reading people.

“Please don't force me to have this conversation.”

“Why?”

“Because Rey’s not a princess and I’m not a smuggler.”

“I know we fought a lot, but your father and I really did love each other.”

“I know, I saw the way he looked at you too, but I also saw the way _you_ looked at _him._ I saw the way you looked at _each other._ I’d rather not dwell on the fact that I will _never_ have that.”

“Well of course you won’t, not if you just lay down and hope someone puts you out of your misery.”

“Thanks for the pep talk mom.”

“You act like you’ve never talked to a woman before.”

“I never _talked_ to them.”

“You mean you never cared about the women you were with. Until her. You’re so much like your father it’s uncanny.”

“He was a better man than I am.”

“I couldn’t stand him at first. He wasn’t a bad man when I met him, but he wasn’t a good one either.”

“You don't need to paint him in a negative light to make me feel better. He did some bad things, but he was always a good man.”

“Like I said, the similarities are uncanny.”

“There’s a difference between ‘bad things’ and ‘mass murder.’”

“Your father-”

“Don’t speak ill of the dead mom. Don’t speak ill of him.”

“He wouldn’t want this for you. He loved you. He wasn’t good at showing it, but he loved you in his own way. And he would be so incredibly disappointed to see your story end here.”

“I don’t want to be a wall decoration. Solos aren’t meant to be locked up, they probably should be, but it doesn’t end well. After everything I’ve sacrificed, after what I forced myself to become in order to end this, don’t I deserve some freedom? Even if it can only be in death?”

“No, you may be 30 years old, but you are still my child. I brought you into this Galaxy and I will determine when you get to leave it.”

“I don’t know if it’s really up to you at this point.”

“I told you, I have connections. If those connections fail me, they’ll be reminded that you may be Darth Vader’s grandson, but I’m his daughter.”

“Don’t. Not for me.”

“If not for you, then who?”

“No one. This family has enough Darkness without you tapping into yours.”

“I wish I never sent you to Luke.”

“You needed to.”

“It’s not fair.”

“I accepted that my life wasn’t fair a long time ago.”

“To me. It’s not fair to me. I lost both sets of parents. I lost my planet. I lost Luke. I lost Han. I lost you. I may not _deserve_ better, but I am _owed_ better.”

“I know.”

 _“You_ owe _him_ better.”

He words surprised him, “How?”

“He was trying to bring you home. It cost him his life. Don’t let that have been done in vain.”

“It wasn’t. I came home.”

“And now you have to stay. Ben, please. Don’t…don’t just give up. You are all I have left.”

"Say they don't kill me. Say I'm not sentenced to spend the rest of my life in a cell. Then what? What will my life look like? I will be _alone._ "

"Ben…"

"I'll have you. That's it. No one would be able to look past what I've done. And they shouldn't. There is no bright future for me. My life will be _empty."_

“That’s not true Ben.”

“But it is. I have a face only a mother could love. Tell me, who could look past this?” he gestured to his face, the scar that he’d been given for killing his own father, “Who?”

“Someone who knows you. Someone who knows not only what you’ve done, but why. Someone who knows your remorse.”

“That would require someone making an effort to know me. Why would anyone want to know me?”

“Rey knows you.”

“She didn’t have a choice. She was _forced_ to know me because we are tethered to one another through the Force. She knows me because she can’t escape me.”

“And you can’t escape her. Have you even considered what would happen to _her_ if you died?”

“She would be free of me.”

“You know that’s not how it would work. It would destroy her. It might even kill her. Your death would rip a part of her soul away. If it doesn’t kill her it would haunt her for the rest of her life. Do you really want to be responsible for that.”

“No,” he muttered, “but it’s not exactly in my hands anymore. A council will determine my fate.”

“So don’t give them a reason to believe you deserve death.”

“It’s too late for that.”

“You have a trial. Don’t be Kylo Ren, be Ben.”

“Ben is weak.”

“You are Ben.”

“I know!” he shouted, _“I_ am weak. I can’t show them that.”

“You can’t show them your humanity?” 

“No, because they don’t want to see it. I can’t use it excuse what I’ve done. There must be some kind of justice.”

“And what about justice for you?”

“It doesn’t matter why I did those things. I still did them.”

“You grew up hearing stories about the Empire and the Rebellion. Simplified stories. The Rebellion committed its fair share of atrocities, just like the Empire, the First Order, the Resistance. What you’ve done isn’t so different.”

“Except I did it alone.”

“And you’re already punishing yourself for that. No sentence can compare to whatever is going on in your head. You’re torturing yourself, and you’ll continue to do so for the rest of your life. I think that’s enough.”

“But-”

“Executing you won’t change the past. It won’t bring anyone back.”

“It will bring closure.”

“It will bring closure for you. Everyone else will still have to deal with reality. The least you can do is bear witness.”

He nodded, sensing that he’d lost this argument a long time ago. 

“I’ll be back later Ben, but for now I think there’s someone else who wants to speak with you.”

As his mother walked away, Rey bashfully stepped inside the prison block, hands clasped behind her back.

She offered him a small smile which he could only respond to by quirking up a corner of his mouth. 

She didn’t open the cell, instead procuring his saber from behind her back.

“Where did you get that?”

“Your mother had it in her office, I may have convinced C-3PO to give it to me.”

“Please don’t destroy it. You already did that to one of my lightsabers.”

“It’s not red.”

“No, is that so hard to believe?”

“No, I just, I’ve never even heard of black kyber crystals.”

“There was a Mandalorian Jedi once, he created the Darksaber. It’s been lost since the fall of the Empire. No one knew what it was made of, so for all I know, I have the first black kyber crystal.”

“It’s impressive.”

“Thanks,” he muttered, feeling oddly self-conscious.

“It’s just as terrifying as your old saber. Terrifying in a different way, but terrifying nonetheless.”

“It _is_ a weapon,” he teased gently.

“You know what I mean,” she huffed.

They lapsed into silence until she said, “I’m glad it’s not red.”

“I was just _relieved_ it isn't red.”

“I knew it wouldn’t be.”

“Really? Just a few days ago you said I wasn’t Ben.”

“You’re not. That doesn’t mean you’re Kylo Ren either. You’re new. You have to figure out who you are now.”

He stared at her, trying to figure out how to voice what he truly feared, “What if who I am is still a monster?”

“I promise you that you’re not.”

“How can you know that?”

“Monsters don’t _feel_ , they don’t _care._ I don't think I’ve met anyone who feels as much as you do. Your emotions are overwhelming.”

“But they’re Dark emotions.”

“Not all of them.”

He briefly wondered how long they could avoid the three words he’d said to her. He knew he would face the fallout eventually, it was just a matter of when. But it wouldn’t be tonight, “Why did you take my saber?”

She flushed, “I wanted to know you.”

“You do know me, probably better than anyone else.”

“I wanted to know which side of the Force you were naturally aligned with.”

“And?”

“You were right. We’re stuck in the middle, together.”

The way she said _together_ tugged at him strangely.

He looked away from her, not wanting her to see how much she affected him.

He turned towards her again when the door to his cell creaked open. She walked inside, saber still in her hands and he scrambled away from her.

“You shouldn't have that in here.”

“Why not? You won’t hurt me, and if you wanted it you would’ve taken it by now.”

He couldn’t really argue with her logic, but he still couldn’t believe how reckless she was, “You still need to be more careful Sweetheart.”

She rolled her eyes and placed the saber in the corner of the cell before moving to the cot. She sat down and looked at him expectantly.

She either sensed his uncertainty through the bond or it was written across his face, so she said, “You can lay down, I don’t bite.”

He carefully sat on the far edge much like the night before and she huffed in annoyance before pulling him down with her, burying her face in his chest as his arms wrapped around her of their own accord.

“What are you doing?” he hissed.

“Getting us both comfortable.”

 _“This_ is comfortable for you?”

Now she was the one who was uncertain, “It’s not for you?”

“I meant are you really ok with being this close to me?”

“I wouldn't be here if I wasn’t.”

“I thought you just wanted the nightmares to stop.”

“I’m used to nightmares, I’m not used dreaming of your death every night. I want them to stop because I don’t want to see you die. If you’re holding me I know you’re ok.”

“If I didn’t know any better I’d think you cared about me.”

She pulled away from him, forcing him to meet her gaze, “I do.”

He closed his eyes, allowing her words to fill him with a warmth that he’d come to associate solely with her. She tucked her head under his chin again and he dropped a kiss on the crown of her head light enough that she wouldn’t notice.


	24. Chapter 24

He once again woke due to the sensation of someone watching him. Unlike the other times, however, when he opened his eyes, he could only see her and her light. She was impossibly close to him, he could see the specks of gold and green in her eyes. It was stunning. _She_ was stunning. 

Her fingers were delicately pressed to his cheek where his scar cut through. She was studying his face and showed no shock when he woke up. It was like she’d been waiting for that moment so that she could explore what he’d hidden behind his dark eyes.

It took him a second to realize she wasn’t exploring, but actively searching for something. Evidently she’d found whatever she was looking for because she smiled brightly at him. It was blinding and filled with some emotion that he couldn’t place.

He kept his face neutral, he knew he wouldn’t be able to prevent a full smile from spreading across his face otherwise.

Her smile dimmed and his heart ached.

“Why don’t you ever smile?” she whispered.

“I smile,” he retorted, he could think of two occasions in the past year when he’d properly smiled.

“Not for me,” she sounded hurt.

“You’ve seen my smile, just not on me,” he responded cryptically.

“What do you mean?”

“I have my father’s smile.”

“Which means you can’t smile at me?”

“It means I don’t want to.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t…I don’t want to remind you. I don’t want you to look at me and see the man you watched me murder in cold blood.”

“You weren’t smiling when he died. I’ve never seen you or anyone look as broken as you did when he fell. He’d want you to smile. I want you to smile. After everything you’ve gone through, you should at least be able to find some happiness in life.”

He’d already found his happiness. His happiness was with her. The urge to smile when she was around was never not present. If he was being honest with himself he’d known since Starkiller that it was her. At the time he’d only consciously meant it as the youngling Skywalker had hidden. But even then part of him knew she was more than that. She was everything to him. As far as he was concerned the Galaxy revolved around her.

His mother was right, he’d do anything for Rey. He would live for her. The moment he decided that he couldn’t die, that his continued existence served a purpose, he felt a peace that he’d never personally experienced before. He’d glimpsed in his Uncle, in Rey, even in his mother, but this was the first time he’d felt it. This time he couldn’t stop the smile.

He felt the jolt of pain caused by the similarity to his father hit her, but still, she did not turn away. Her fingers still rested on the scar and their faces were close together, too close together. 

He wrenched himself away from her so that he was sitting upright. He dragged his hands through his hair in an attempt to keep them occupied so that he wouldn’t touch her, wouldn’t pull her close, wouldn’t cradle her face, wouldn’t kiss her.

She frowned at the loss of contact, “You really are afraid of me aren’t you?”

He chuckled, “Absolutely terrified.”

She shifted away from him, “Why? Why are you so scared of me?”

“I’m not scared of _you_ , I’m scared of your influence,” he desperately tried to skate around the subject, he knew where she was going with it and he didn't want to rehash anything, it was bad enough he’d said it aloud once.

“My influence? Really? When have I ever been able to pull a mind trick off on you?” she had leaned towards him again.

He stood and crossed to the opposite side of the cage, leaning against the wall. She narrowed her eyes at him from her perch on the cot.

He dragged his fingers down the length of his scar, “I’m pretty sure you’re successfully pulling one off right now. I shouldn’t be telling you any of this.”

“You’re afraid of honesty?”

He supposed she was right in a way so he latched onto it, “My life is made up of lies. I have more secrets and lies than I have facts about myself. The last 20 years of my life have been built around one secret. Honesty would’ve gotten me killed.”

“That never really scared you, you weren’t afraid of dying. You’re afraid of me because I made you be honest with _yourself.”_

He sighed, finally looking up at her, “Yes.”

“What did you learn from it?”

“That I am a walking disaster.”

A genuine laugh burst from her and he smiled properly at her again.

“You learn anything else?”

“Stop fishing for answers,” he jokingly warned.

“I’m not, I’m helping you figure out who you are. And while walking disaster may be accurate, that’s not all there is.”

“That’s pretty much all I got from it.”

“That means there’s something more.”

“Yes, but it stays with me.”

She frowned, “Fine, I’ll add to the list.”

“And what are you going to add?”

“You’re an expert pilot, you’re a gray Force user, you’re a son, you’re surprisingly funny in a self-deprecating way and one other thing.”

He’d been so zeroed in on her face that he hadn’t realized she’d moved until she was standing directly in front of him.

“What’s the other thing?” he breathed.

“You first,” she challenged

“Rey…” he warned.

“Ben,” she said firmly.

“You already know, you already knew when you asked me to say it the first time.”

“Yes, but I wanted to hear you say it to _me._ I want to hear you say it again.”

"And for the life of me I can't fathom why."

"No one had ever said it to me before. And I was afraid it was going to be my only chance to hear you say it.”

“Why is that something you were afraid of? Why do you even want to hear me say it again?”

“Because of the other thing.”

“I don’t know what the other thing is Sweetheart.”

It was her turn to look away, “You’re someone I could’ve loved.”

She said it so quietly that at first he thought he’d imagined it. He was silent for far too long and once he regained his ability to speak all he said was a soft, “Oh.”

She bolted before he could even truly process what she’d said. He wanted her to come back, but at the same time he refused to let himself hope. She said she could’ve loved him, not that she did. If he hadn’t joined the Dark Side, if he hadn't murdered his father and so many others they could’ve been together. But he had and now all he was left with was the consolation that if his life had played out differently he would’ve had a chance with her. He had to be happy with that, it was unrealistic to think she could possibly reciprocate his feelings now.

The next thing he did was admittedly poorly thought out. He went after her. If anyone doubted his parentage, this provided definitive evidence. 

She'd left his saber in the cell in her rush to escape him, he picked it up, the weight felt good in his hand. Clipping it to his belt he used the Force to disable the locks on his cell and dashed out.

He still had a mental map of the base from when Poe had let him out to fly, so finding his way out wasn't a problem. Other Resistance members, however, provided some setbacks. Most he was able to use the Force to send in the opposite direction. The longer it took him to get out, the more his chances of finding her in D’Qar's jungle decreased.

Poe had done a double take as he sprinted past but then brought the codes he would need to get out to the forefront of his mind for him to easily access. Poe also focused on one thought, _don't get yourself killed, or else it'll be my head next._

He was out in the muggy air of D'Qar, just about to disappear into the tree line when he felt the blaster bolt release. He swiftly unclipped his saber and ignited it, deflecting the bolt somewhat harmlessly into a concrete wall. He didn't need to actually look in the direction the bolt came from to know that FN was the one who shot at him. Before he could fire again, he used the Force to freeze him in place. The action had become second nature to him and required next to no attention for him to maintain. He didn't look back before continuing forward. 

He released his hold on the former trooper once he was sure he was too far in to be found. At this point he was relying entirely on the bond to locate Rey. He briefly wondered if Rey actually knew where she was going. He pushed that thought away when the mugginess broke, releasing a warm drizzle as the air began to cool. He'd spent a lot more time chasing after her through the jungle than he realized. He laughed to himself when he recognized that in actuality he'd been chasing after her his entire life.

He reached a circular clearing, too perfect to be anything other than man made, "Is this where you go to meditate ?"

"It's too loud on base," she answered from somewhere above him.

He looked up to see her perched on an upper branch of the twisted trees surrounding the clearing with her eyes closed.

"Are you going to come down?"

"Not yet."

He found a relatively dry rock to occupy, "I'll wait."

"You don't have to."

"I know."

"You're going to be in a lot of trouble."

"At least it won't be a painful punishment."

"Why did you follow me?"

"Why did you let me?" he countered.

"I asked first," she said petulantly.

"I've spent a long time chasing you, that's not about to change just because I'm locked up. And you know that, so the question still stands, why did you let me follow you?"

"I don't know," she admitted, "I shouldn't have."

"I'm glad you did."

"Why?" she asked incredulously.

"Because," he paused, trying to prepare himself, "I'd feel awfully foolish wandering around the jungle aimlessly."

He mentally chastised himself for balking out, especially because he could sense how let down she felt.

"I suppose that's reasonable," she said, keeping her voice excessively neutral.

"Rey, I need you to come down."

"I'm good up here."

"Fine," he had no intention of leaving her alone, so he began his assent.

"What are you doing?" she asked, alarmed.

"I think that's fairly obvious," he snarked.

"I meant what do you intend to do once you're up here?"

"Honestly, I didn't think that far ahead. I tend to act stupider than usual when you're involved."

He smiled to himself when he heard her laugh at that.

Neither of them spoke until he was crouched in front of her, "I followed you out here because I've _been_ following you, because I will always follow you. As for the reason why I'm chasing after you in the first place, it's because I love you. I've loved you from the moment that saber flew into your hand instead of mine and that won't ever change."

All she did was gape at him.

"Just thought you should know," he shrugged before leaping from the branch to the ground, using the Force to cushion his landing.

Rey had been right about one thing, the longer he was gone, the more trouble he would be in. He’d told her what he needed to, so he stepped out of the clearing, intending to walk back to base.

“Where are you going?” she called out.

“Back to my cell.”

There was silence followed by a dull thud from the direction she’d been in, then some rustling and finally she was standing next to him, covered in mud.

“Did you seriously fall out of that tree?”

“No,” she said defensively, “Just didn’t stick the landing, I don’t know how you did it.”

“I’ll teach you someday.”

They both paused. It was the first time he’d acknowledged that he had a future, that she was somehow in it. They mutually decided to pretend he hadn’t said it at all.

He continued to walk towards the base, away from her, but she continued after him.

“Why are you following me?”

“You chase after me; I chase after you,” she explained as if it was the most logical and natural thing for them to do.

He turned to look at her; she was smiling. He smiled back.


	25. Chapter 25

He could feel himself taking shorter strides the closer they got back to base, his body rebelling at the thought of imprisonment. Still, they arrived at the tree line, stopping just out of sight. Sighing, he unclipped his saber and handed it to Rey.

“You should probably take this. Wouldn’t look too good if I had it on me.”

“Why did you take it all then?”

“Never had the chance to use it.”

He eyes widened, “You didn’t attack anyone with it did you?”

“No, of course not,” he scoffed, mildly insulted.

She looked unconvinced.

“I used it to deflect blaster fire from your friend.”

“You mean Finn?”

He tried not to visibly cringe when she said his name, “Yeah.”

“Did you hurt him?”

He frowned at her, “No, the Stormtrooper is unharmed.”

“He has a name.”

“So do I,” he growled, surprised by the ferocity in his own voice, he hadn’t realized how much being called ‘Ren’ bothered him.

“He calls you that because he doesn’t trust you, because he hasn't forgiven you. You’re just doing it to be petty.”

“And?”

“You’re an adult, aren’t you supposed to be more mature than that?”

“Probably.”

“You’re still not going to call him by his name are you?”

“Why do you care? Are you defending his honor?”

“I’m defending my friend.”

“He’s your friend, Dameron’s your friend, and I'm sure you have others. So what am I to you?”

Fearing her answer, he continued forward, raising his hands so that the numerous Resistance members with their blasters trained on him wouldn’t shoot. Rey rushed after him but was dragged away. He allowed himself to be roughly shoved to his knees by FN but refused to flinch as the blaster was jabbed into the back of his neck.

He scanned the crowd for Rey. She’d had her eyes trained on him, looking on in abject fear. He wondered if this was what had happened in her nightmare the other night. Before he could ask through the bond, he realized Dameron was walking towards him with those same Force suppressing cuffs.

“Finn, that’s enough,” Poe quietly warned.

The pressure disappeared and Poe stepped behind him, securing the cuffs around his wrists before getting him on his feet.

“Everyone clear out!” Dameron shouted and the crowd dispersed leaving the four of them alone in the dark.

Poe, who had seemed in charge before, now looked uncertain. They all did.

“So…what now?”

“Shut up Ren,” FN snapped.

He ignored the Traitor and instead shot Rey a look. She almost smiled, concern bordering on panic still radiated off of her.

“Finn, go back to whatever you were doing before, I’ll go get the General, she’s gonna chew you out Solo. And Rey, get him back to his cell — don’t let him escape again.”

She scoffed indignantly, “I didn’t _let_ him escape and besides, _you_ were the one who let him fly an X-Wing.”

“What the hell is wrong with you guys? Have you both just forgotten he’s _Kylo Ren_?”

“No, we haven’t. Now, let’s go Ben.”

He had no choice but to follow her. Going back to his cell didn’t seem as awful with her leading the way.

_Did you see what just happened out there in your nightmares?_

She nodded, keeping her eyes downcast.

_I’m sorry._

They didn’t speak agains until they were in his cell with his cuffs off.

“I don’t know,” she blurted out.

“Huh?”

“I don’t know what you are to me.”

He chuckled, “I suppose that’s better than me being an enemy.”

“Well, what am I to you?” she countered.

“Not an enemy.”

She gave him a look that clearly said she was _not_ amused.

“You’re a confidant,” he added.

“I’m not a friend?”

“Friendship requires bother parties agreeing that they are in fact friends.”

“Do you _want_ to be friends?”

“I’m not exactly in a position to be picky about who my friends are,” he reminded her.

“It’s a yes or no question Ben. Do you always have to give such vague answers?”

“No. See that was _very_ succinct.”

“You think you’re hilarious, don’t you?” she asked, mildly amused.

“You were the one who said I was funny.”

She looked up at him, almost wistfully, “You’re…” she seemed to be on the verge of admitting something important, “you’re really just unnecessarily tall.”

He peered over her shoulder, “And yet, I’m about to cower before a woman shorter than you.”

Rey spun around, “General Organa?”

“Hello Rey,” she said warmly, “Would you mind giving me a moment with my idiot son?”

“Of course,” Rey scurried away.

She wasn’t even out of the prison block when his mother rounded on him, “Benjamin Organa Solo! What the _hell_ were you thinking?”

“I wasn’t,” he muttered, feeling like a child again.

“I know impulse control was never your strong suit, but what possessed you to do something _so_ stupid?”

He didn't answer, but she noticed how his gaze kept shifting to where Rey had walked out earlier.

His mother rolled her eyes, “You _are_ your father’s son,” she sighed.

He rocked back on his heels uncomfortably.

“You know you’re lucky they didn't immediately shoot you, right?”

“Yes,” he said wearily.

“You are a 30 year old man, you should be able to behave yourself better by now.”

“Yeah yeah yeah. So what happens next?”

“You have one more chance, next time you step out of line, the Force resistant cuffs are put on and stay on.”

“That’s it?”

“The people in charge know you weren’t going to sabotage anything or try to escape custody, they know how valuable you are and they’re afraid of me, so they’re being lenient this time around.”

“Thanks.”

“Just don’t do it again. If you’re worried about Rey, get me or Poe. And no more joy rides in _any_ of the ships were have on base.”

“Understood.”

“Good, now go use the fresher. I don’t know what the hell you and Rey got into out there, and I don’t want to know, but you are both _covered_ in mud.”

He flushed, looking down. His mother wasn’t lying, his situation wasn’t as bad as Rey’s, but his clothes were ruined. He was grateful he hadn’t paused to put his father’s jacket on before chasing her through the jungle, “I don’t have anymore clean clothes…”

“I’ll send some down, now go, you don’t need clothes right now.”

“Anything else?”

“I have a strategy meeting tomorrow, I’ll tell you what I can after, if I have time, if not I’ll see you the day after.”

He nodded as she left.

“Wait!” he called out.

“Yes, Ben?”

“G’night mom.”

“I love you too, Ben.”

He watched her leave, despite how much time had passed, she was just as regal as she had been the day he left with Luke.

He discarded his clothes and stepped into the fresher. He exited once the water ran cold. Rey probably wasn’t going to come back tonight, not after all the trouble he’d caused, so he sat on the cot, towel wrapped around his waist, as he waited for a droid to come down with his clothes.

The droid never came, his mother, in her infinite wisdom sent the clothes down with Rey. She made her presence known by releasing a high pitched yelp upon seeing him. Confused, he stood and walked towards the bars of his cage.

“What are you doing?!” she asked, obviously panicked.

“What do you mean ‘what am I doing?”’

“You’re naked…” she whispered, keeping her eyes glued to the ceiling.

The conviction with which she said it made him glance down to make sure the towel was still secured around his waist. It was.

“I’m not _naked._ Granted, I’d prefer to have more clothes on, but I am _not_ naked.”

“You’re not wearing a shirt!”

“And? It’s not considered inappropriate if _I’m_ shirtless. You act like you’ve never seen a torso before.”

Based on the brilliant shade of red she turned, she evidently had not.

“Pass me my clothes. I’ll get dressed and you can go do whatever you’d like.”

She hesitantly stepped forwards, into his cell. He took his clothes wordlessly and went to change in the fresher. The second he turned around she gasped.

“What _happened_ to your back?”

He’d almost forgotten about those scars, “Snoke,” he mumbled.

He felt pity emanate from her and he recoiled from it. He placed the clothes on the cot before turning to show her the scars she couldn’t pity him for.

He pointed to the starburst scar on his side, “This one is from that damn bowcaster.” 

He then traced the scar she’d given him, starting at his jaw down to where it ended around his shoulder, “And this, this is from you,” he whispered.

She looked at the scar in awe, amazed that _she_ had inflicted it upon him. He was just amazed she could look at him without disgust.

Sensing his thoughts, she took a step towards him, placing her finger tips where the scar tapered off on his shoulder, lightly dragging them along the line until she hit his jaw. Her fingers disappeared into his hair and he backed away from her before she could yank him down towards her.

He disappeared into the fresher, leaning up against the door to put a physical barrier between them. He glanced around, looking for his clothes before remembering that he’d left them out there with her.

She was pushing on the door, trying to get in. He refused to budge.

“Ben! What are you doing? Let me in.”

“No,” he inwardly cringed at how childish he sounded, but he couldn’t trust himself with her.

“I have your clothes.”

“You did what my mother asked you to do, you can go now.”

“Fine,” she huffed, “I’ll take them back and tell your mother you didn’t want them.”

He considered letting her go, but both Dameron and his mother would give him hell, so he relented and gave in to her demands.

“There, door’s open, now give me my clothes.”

“No, not until you answer my questions.”

“That wasn’t the deal.”

“I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further.”

“Ask away then.”

“What is _wrong_ with you?”

“Several things, you'll have to be more specific.”

“I mean why can’t you ever make up your mind?”

“About what?” there were many things he was unsure of.

“About me, you idiot.”

“I did make up my mind about that,” he said defiantly. He’d told her how he felt and he wouldn’t go any further with her.

“Well then enlighten me, because you seem to alternate between loving me and wanting nothing to do with me.”

“It’s both.”

“How can it be both?”

“I want nothing to do with you _because_ I love you. I’m not good for you.”

“Shouldn’t I be the judge of that?”

“There’s nothing _to_ judge. It’s just a fact. I’m not a good man. You deserve better than what I could offer you.”

“What about what I want?”

“You don’t want me.”

“And why do you think that?”

“I _know_ that because I’m 10 years older than you, because I’m more than likely insane, and because I’m a murderer. I don’t think you truly understand that. I’ve killed hundreds of people, and I’ve tortured just as many.”

“You regret it.”

“Doesn’t change that I’ve done those things.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“I’m warning you. I’m trying to scare you away because eventually you’ll see me for what I am and I’d rather it happen now than after I get my hopes too far up.”

“But I _know_ you. I’ve seen you at your worst and I’m still here. What will it take for you to get it?”

“Get _what_?”

“That I…that I’m not going anywhere.”

“Giving me my clothes would be a good start.”

“And how do I know you won’t lock yourself in the fresher just to get away from me?”

“I can promise not to. I’ve never broken a promise I’ve made to you and I never will.”

She shoved the clothes at him and true to his word he came back out as soon as he was dressed.

“Rey?”

“Hmm?”

“You didn't give me my shirt. In fact, I think you put it on over your clothes because you weren’t wearing that earlier.”

“It’s cold down here,” she shrugged.

“So use the blanket.”

“I thought you were used to the cold, is that not true?”

“I don’t _need_ the shirt, but you probably shouldn’t be walking around dressed like a prisoner.”

“I’m not. I’m with you, in prison.”

He rolled his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest as he leaned against the cool wall of his cell.

“Why did you run away from me?” she asked.

“First thing you should know, no matter how far I run away from you, I will always come running back, I’m tied to you. Second thing, I have poor self-restraint and you got too close.”

She cocked her head, considering him before taking slow deliberate steps towards him.

“What are you doing?” he asked warily.

“Testing something.”

Despite every fiber of his being telling him to move, that she was going to do something dangerous, he felt compelled to stay put. Rey was manipulating him with the Force. She smiled brightly when she sensed how impressed he was.

She stopped a foot away from him, “Tell me when I’m too close,” she breathed.

He swallowed hard and nodded. He couldn’t remember ever being so scared.

Six inches away she reached out to run her fingers over the starburst scar. Her fingertips skipped over the beauty marks and smaller scars littering his chest, finally resting on the scar that irrevocably marked him as hers. She looked up at him, silently challenging him. He remained still and she traced the entirety of the scar. She dragged her fingers back down towards his jaw and tangled her fingers in his hair again, tilting his head down towards hers.

“Too close,” he said thickly, finally finding his voice.

“Where are you going to run to now?” she asked, having successfully trapped him.

“Oh it’s far too late for that Sweetheart,” he breathed.

Before she could react he’d cradled her face and crushed his lips against hers. She freed her hand from his hair and locked her arms around his neck, deepening the kiss.

He reluctantly pulled away from her in order to breathe. The look of shock on her face would’ve been amusing if he hadn’t been the cause of it. He immediately began to apologize, “I’m sorry Rey. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that—”

“No,” she cut him off fiercely, “You don’t get to take that back. That kiss is _mine_.”

“Oh,” he said rather lamely.

“Kiss me again.”

“I’m not someone you can just kiss and then move on from. There are consequences, ones that will follow you. Being involved with me in any way could ruin your life. If you do this, you’re stuck with me, one way or another for the rest of your life.”

She smiled, “I already am; we’re Force bonded. Do you have any idea how long I’ve waited to belong somewhere, with someone?”

“I do, that’s why I can’t do anything to jeopardize that for you any more than I already have.”

“But it’s _you_. You're that someone.”

“Why? Why would you want me?”

“Because I lied. You’re not someone I could've loved. I _do_ lo-”

“No, don’t say it. You can’t take those words back, not if you say them to me. If you say it, I won’t be able to let you go.”

She grabbed his face, pulling him down to her level, “I _love_ you.”

She released her hold on him only for him to envelope her in his arms, tucking her under his chin, “You’ll be the death of me Rey.”


	26. Chapter 26

In spite of Rey’s confession, he _knew_ that she was still unreachable, that he still couldn’t be with her. He tried to shut those thoughts out, but they remained, haunting him, haunting them, haunting the few moments they had together. It was becoming increasingly hard to ignore the reality of their situation.

Ultimately, the decision to continue to avoid the issue or to face it was decided for him. The war ended.

No one actually told him that it had ended, or how it ended. Leia simply came down with Dameron, a hard look on her face while the man next to her was uncharacteristically subdued and he knew. He stood and clasped his hands behind his back before turning and extending them so that Dameron could cuff him. 

No words were spoken as they trooped through the unnaturally empty corridors of the base to the deserted hanger. He picked up the errant thought from Poe, he was being placed in protective custody — his scarred face had been plastered everywhere just before Hux surrendered. His identity was public knowledge.

He wanted to ask what the ramifications for his mother were, but he felt compelled to remain silent. He was no longer in the position to ask questions, only answer.

The stopped at the Falcon, Chewbacca greeted them and he fought back the urge to flinch as he made eye contact with the Wookiee. Chewbacca just turned and walked up the ramp into the ship. Dameron gestured for him to follow, but he stayed glued to the spot, staring at his mother. She was trembling, imperceptibly, but trembling all the same. He realized that this might be the last private moment he had with her, she couldn’t go with them, it looked bad enough that he’d been sequestered away on her base for months.

He stepped towards her and leaned down, closer to her height and allowed her to wrap her arms around him while he desperately wished he could return the gesture, he settled for kissing her forehead once before heading into the Falcon, Dameron trailing behind him.

He wasn’t permitted to enter the cockpit, from there out, they had to follow official procedure when it came to transporting prisoners. He sat in the living quarters by himself as the Wookiee and Dameron piloted the Falcon to some unknown place. He wasn’t told where he was going and he knew better than to search their minds for the destination. He came to the realization that he’d never had the chance to pilot the Falcon as an adult. He’d once dreamed of it being _his_ ship, but it did him no good to dwell on that now. At this point he only had two material possessions, everything else was _evidence_ , but the Silencer was never in the First Order records and his new saber was never officially attributed to him. He’d informally bequeathed the Silencer to Dameron and his saber to Rey.

He considered reaching out to her through the Bond, but there was nothing for him to say and nothing she could tell him. He tested it anyways, he could still sense her, but it was muted. Apparently he’d been wrong when he’d said that it was _possible_ for Skywalker to communicate with Leia while he was imprisoned. He left the bond alone.

He made no efforts to keep track of time, so he wasn’t sure how long they’d been in hyperspace, it could’ve been hours, days, even a week. He stretched his senses as much as he could given the Force suppressing cuffs — they were on Chandrila. He’d wondered where The New Republic had settled after the destruction of Hosnian Prime.

Exiting the Falcon he looked up, expecting to see the sky in order to figure out what time of day it was. It was impossible to tell, the opening was so far up that he couldn’t figure out if the hanger was even open. Wherever they were in the planet, they were deep within the ground.

Chewie and Dameron accompanied him as far as they were allowed before the prison’s official guards took over their positions. He nodded at Dameron in acknowledgment, but the Wookiee almost suffocated him in a hug that he hadn’t been expecting or realized that he wanted, and then he was pulled away and ushered through another set of high-tech doors into another hallway.

He didn’t bother examining the eye scanners used to access the doors or keeping track of the twists and turns they took, it didn’t matter. They eventually entered a lift and dropped further into the ground. There were no numbers telling him which floor they were on or which one they were going to, it seemed the guards had that information memorized. In such close proximity, he’d have been able to pull the information from them even with the cuffs on, but there would’ve been no point, he had no intention of escaping from the cell he was going to be put in.

His apathy didn’t even take him by surprise; he supposed that in itself was a result of his apathy.

The guards herded him off the lift and through another set of hallways before abruptly stopping and prodding him into a cell that he was almost too tall for. The door swooshed shut. There were no bars to look through and there would be no visitors. The cuffs remained on, he couldn’t blame them, they had no reason to believe that he was not going to go on a rampage and even less of a reason to think he would stay put.

The days or weeks went by, they would supply him with food, water, clean clothes, and the necessities to keep the small fresher in the cell stocked, he would return the remains. The cuffs still stayed on.

He considered marking the walls to keep track of the days he spent in solitary confinement, but he had no real way of knowing when one day ended and when one day began — he had no starting time reference, and there didn’t seem to be a pattern to when he was provided with utilities.

He was jerked out of the space between sleep and wakefulness by a sharp rapping on the door of his cell and the order to stand back. He did as requested without hesitation and he hated himself a little for it. The door slid open and a man who looked like he’d rather be anywhere else in the Galaxy than in a cell with _him_ entered and immediately took a seat on the chair bolted to the floor as the door closed behind him.

“Well, you can sit down now, this _is_ your room.”

Narrowing his eyes, he replied, “It’s a cell.”

The man looked up at him wearily while he crossed his arms and remained standing.

“And it’s also a room; semantics like this might be what keeps your from being executed.”

“Did my mother ask you to represent me in court?”

“I was appointed to be your lawyer, no one wanted _this_ job.”

“I don’t envy you.”

“Yes well I’m now privy to information that isn’t publicly available yet that makes this a little easier for me.”

“You mean the data chip?”

“That, the head of the former leader of the First Order along with pictures of the body you detached it from, including close ups of your ‘resignation,’ and pictures of the remains of the Knights of Ren. Unfortunately, _those_ murders, while they help back up your claim, provide evidence that you are deranged and should at the very least be locked up for public safety in the future.”

“You’re not wrong.”

“Don’t admit to things like that while on the stand.”

“Thought I wasn’t supposed to lie.”

“I’ll make this simple. Do what I tell you, don’t antagonize anyone, and unless you’re being questioned, don’t talk.”

“What do I get out of this?”

“The potential to avoid a death sentence.”

With the bond muted, death seemed like an appealing option again. But it wasn’t muted for her, he had to think about her.

“Fine. What do you want me to do?”

“Let me bring your mother to the stand to speak in your defense.”

“If she wants to speak she’ll speak with or without your permission, if she doesn’t want to speak don’t make her. What else?”

“I want to bring Rey—”

“No, absolutely not. I won’t bring her into this,” he cut the man off immediately.

“What if she offers?”

“No.”

“Alright, no Rey.”

“Anything else?”

“As far as evidence involved in the case goes, there is your helmet, your kyber crystal, the data chip, the head, the previous photos I mentioned, as well as photos of the aftermath of the massacre at the Jedi Academy.”

He stiffened at the mention of that. They deserved to be left in peace, not used to prove a political point.

The lawyer continued, “I would like to photograph the scars you’ve received from the now deceased leader of the First Order.”

“No.”

“It can help your case—”

“It can help my case, but I won’t use that as an excuse.”

Sighing in exasperation he added, “General Hux will give a testimony against you.”

That didn’t surprise him in the least. “Phasma won’t?”

“Captain Phasma was given the opportunity to testify against you both for greater leniency but elected to only testify against General Hux.”

“Was Hux given that deal?”

“No, he volunteered to testify against the both you and Captain Phasma for greater leniency, when no deal was extended, he decided to testify anyways.”

“Of course he did. Can I testify in favor of someone?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Can I testify in favor of someone?”

“Why would…?”

“I get the feeling that Phasma has at least one other person testifying against her, she needs someone to testify in her favor, I can do that.”

“That won’t help your case.”

“It’s the right thing to do.”

“You’re probably the only one who will see it that way.”

“That’s fine. It’s something _I_ believe is the right thing to do; I haven’t made a lot of decisions based on that, but I want to.”

“You’re gonna get yourself killed.”

“It’s been a long time coming.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. I'm sorry this chapter is short, but it's serving as a bit of a transition chapter to move us into Act V.
> 
> 2\. I'm sorry I haven't updated in like 2 months. I've been studying in Russia and that has kinda taken over my life. I'll be back in the states in mid December, so that's when you should probably expect the next update (so this entire story will be AU, but I promise I will finish it).


	27. Chapter 27

Of the three main officers in the Order, his trial was to be the last, presumably because he had the longest list of crimes he was accountable for. Phasma had the least, which was how he found himself standing in front of an assembly of representatives of the New Republic much sooner than he originally anticipated. He supposed that at the very least, with him in the room, whatever crimes Phasma was being accused of would pale in comparison to the very presence of him and she would receive a lighter sentence.

He was given a nicer set of clothes to wear. They kept the cuffs on.

He was only brought out when it was almost his turn to take the stand, missing Hux’s testimony entirely, and Phasma was visibly surprised to see him there. He was surprised to see Rey in the audience. He hadn’t sensed her due to the cuffs and for a second he was bewildered as to why she was there at all, but then his gaze drifted to the former trooper who was giving his testimony. Of course she would be there for _him_. He almost regretted his decision to speak on Phasma’s behalf as even with the bond muted he could feel Rey’s hatred of her. But either way, it was too late, Rey had seen him, knew what he was there to do.

He passed FN without a word and took the stand when directed. Remembering the pointers Leia had given him about public speaking as a child, he allowed his eyes to roam around the audience, the hatred he felt from them didn’t deter him in the slightest. Except for Rey’s, he purposely skipped over her, he could feel her anger and he was sure if looks could kill the one that was most likely on her face would have him dead ten times over.

He briefly made eye contact with his mother who looked more confused than angry. That confusion morphed into exasperation as he talked. He mentioned that Phasma was the one who lowered the shields on Starkiller, preventing the destruction of the Resistance and guaranteeing the success of the Resistance’s attack on the base. The way he phrased it spun the situation much more in her favor than the reality. But what he focused on was her dedication to her troops and that her skills as a military leader were a major asset the New Republic would need.

He didn’t endear any one in the audience to himself, but he could feel their attitude towards Phasma shifting. He left the stand, catching the grateful but slightly ashamed look Phasma gave him while forcing himself not to look at Rey, not wanting to see the anger and disappointment in her eyes.

He refused to regret speaking on Phasma’s behalf. It was one of the few decisions he made entirely on his own; he _couldn’t_ regret it, no matter the consequences. His mother’s lack of anger helped him feel more confident in his actions, but he still couldn’t banish the look of betrayal on Rey’s face from his mind. At this rate, even if Rey had previously agreed to testify for him, she wouldn’t now, and he wouldn’t blame her.

Back in his cell he quickly lost track of the days again, but he figured at least a week had passed before his lawyer showed up in his cell again.

“They issued a verdict,” the man said bluntly.

“And?”

“Three years in prison, general population followed by a lifetime of public service. She’ll probably become a military tactician under a new identity so the New Republic can save face, because you were right, she’s an asset. The same could be said for you, you know?”

“What? That I’m an asset? Of course I’m an asset, but I’m an even bigger liability. Besides, I’ve had enough of serving other people, I’ve done that for 30 years.”

“You’ll be lucky to get the sentence she got.”

He sighed, resigned, “I know.”

“It would really help if Rey—”

“By testifying for Phasma, I effectively ensured that she would refuse to speak on my behalf.”

“Is that _why_ you did it?”

“No, I actually didn’t consider that a possible consequence until I was already on the stand.”

“You really don’t have a stake in the outcome of your trial do you?”

“I should,” he admitted.

“I’m going to argue that you’re an asset in addition to the rest of your case. Any problems with that?”

“No, do whatever you like.”

“This calm behavior is good, keep that up, but try not to look like you’re about to die of boredom out there, show a little grief.”

“Fine,” he growled.

“That is all that I am asking of you — don’t sabotage yourself. I’ll see you in two days, hopefully with an approved petition stating that the cuffs will be removed while you’re out there.”

“You sure that’s a good idea?”

“If you behave yourself? Yes. So again, don’t sabotage yourself — or me.”

And then he was left alone in his cell again.

Two days. Two days until his trial. Two days until his life is laid bare for the entire galaxy to gawk over. Two days until he saw his mother again. Two days until he would able to feel the Force again. He was actually dreading that, going from weeks of disconnect to immediately being able to feel the hatred of the whole galaxy directed at him was going to be rough transition.

He spent two days pacing back and forth in his cell, he made no to attempts to mediate, he knew it’d be futile.

He was once again given a set of nice clothes to wear. He tried to untangle his hair for a change. Unlike the last time he was lead out of his cell to the courtroom, the cuffs were removed and instead of being lead by two guards, it was just the lawyer. He was grateful the cuffs were taken off in his cell, it gave him time to adjust.

Rey’s Force signature was surprisingly close, he hadn’t expected her to be at his trial. The temptation to tug on the Bond almost overtook him, but he managed to stop himself in time. He wasn’t sure if she would still welcome him, and he wasn’t sure he was strong enough to face outright rejection.

Only seconds later panic overtook him when he realized that this might be the last time he’s free from his cuffs and he might never actually be able to physically speak to Rey again. Rejection be dammed, he yanked on the Bond harder than he meant to.

_What the hell Kylo?_

He crumbled into himself slightly. He couldn’t think of how to respond. She wasn’t wrong in calling him that, he would always have Kylo Ren inside him, but it hurt to hear it from her.

He opted to immerse himself in the Bond, just enjoying being so close to her Light again. He’d missed it. He’d missed her.

_Ben,_ she continued in a softer tone, _Ben, what is it?_

He became choked up with some overwhelming emotion that he couldn’t completely identify.

_I…really hate Force suppressing cuffs._

He could feel slight amusement and bewilderment from her, _that’s what was so urgent?_

_No, there wasn’t anything urgent at all._

_Then why…?_

_I was surprised it was still open._

_Why would that be surprising?_

_Same reason you called me Kylo._

They lapsed into silence. He could feel her considering how to voice the cause of her anger.

_Why…why would you defend her?_

_I respect her._

_But what she did to Finn—_

_I’m pretty sure what I did to him was worse._

In that moment they both paused, realizing they’d never be able to escape their pasts. That he’d done things she’d never be able to forgive him for. That the Bond, that love couldn’t fix their problems.

Neither of them said anything after that, they just remained there in the Bond, together. He sat silently through the trial, only answering with a yes or a no when asked a question. He barely listened as his crimes were read aloud for everyone to know. He didn’t listen to Hux’s testimony at all. He barely saw the evidence presented. He barely saw the audience that was watching him intently. He was staring at a spot just above the assembly, expending most of his focus on _not_ looking at Rey. He did remember that he was supposed to keep his hands resting on the table, both to remind everyone that he was uncuffed and behaving as well as provide reassurance that he wasn’t about to attack anyone. He couldn’t stop himself from clenching his hands into fists and digging his fingernails into his flesh.

He wasn’t aware his trial was over until the assembly stood and began exiting. He caught Rey’s gaze, giving her a wistful look that probably came off as miserable more than anything else as he was lead out of the room and the cuffs put back on.

He resumed his pacing of the cell, only stopping when the guards shouted that he had a visitor. He’d expected the lawyer. It was his mother. He looked at her questioningly, her face giving away nothing.

“Five years in solitary confinement,” she began.

He felt no relief at hearing he wasn’t going to be executed, instead dwelling on the fact that, given it was a miracle he hadn’t lost his mind yet, he would be completely insane after five years in solitary.

“And then?”

“Then the New Republic will use you as they see fit. Humanitarian aid, spying, military tactics, training new officers, tracking down remnants of the Order.”

“Fun,” he said sarcastically.

“Ben,” she admonished.

“I know, I know. When does my sentence start?

“They’re transferring you to a cell built to suppress the Force so you don’t have to remain in the cuffs at 00:00, so you have four hours. Do you want me to get Rey?”

“No,” he said a little too quickly, thankfully she only gave him a strange look instead of questioning him, “just tell her she needs to make keeping her mental shields up second nature and to finish her training.”

“Anything else you want me to tell her?”

“She already knows.”

He spent his remaining four hours with his mother, Chewie, and Dameron. They passed by too quickly and he was suddenly standing in front of the cell he would call home for the next five years. In the brief moment between the cuffs being removed and being locked inside the cell he spoke into the bond.

_Goodbye Sweetheart. I’ll always lo—_ his connection to the Force was cut off before he could finish.

He told himself it was for the best before sitting heavily on the cot, banging his head on the wall and settled in for the longest five years of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter, but posted less than a month after the previous one, so hey progress. So shit got really angsty here, and I'm sorry for that, but the next chapter will be happier.


	28. Chapter 28

His five years in solitary confinement went by slowly, though thankfully not anywhere as slowly as he expected. Approximately a week in he dismantled the chair that had been bolted to the floor and did his best to recreate his lightsaber so that he could run through forms with it. It was taken away from him, as was the rest of the chair. He dismantled the bed next. They took that one away as well. He took apart the sink after that. They caved then and replaced what he’d ruined and returned his original creation though it had been smoothed down and in general, made less dangerous.

The nightmares were terrible at first. He saw his father every night, in disturbingly vibrant detail. The worst were the ones of Rey. He dreamt of her calling him a monster in the snow on Starkiller. He dreamt of all the times he hurt her. He dreamt of the look she’d given him as he was lead away after his trial.

Eventually those nightmares evolved into waking up terrified, covered in sweat with no recollection of what he’d dreamt about. It was an improvement.

Without the Force to torment him, he got the hang of meditation, he felt balanced, though he had the sinking suspicion that would immediately change once he was no longer cut off from the Force, so he was pleasantly surprised that as he walked out of the prison complex a somewhat free man, the Force, while still conflicted around him, didn’t tear at him anymore.

He’d been given a week to assimilate to life in the Galaxy before reporting for whatever mission the Republic had for him. He was grateful his mother insisted that he spend that time with her, he didn’t have anywhere else to go.

His mother greeted him with Chewbacca. Once on the Falcon, she presented him with something. It was his lightsaber. Igniting it, he was flooded with excitement at the prospect of being able to use it. But he hadn’t left the saber with her, he turned to ask the question. Leia seemed to follow his train of thought and beat him to it.

“She left it with me when she returned to Ach-To.”

He nodded, clipping the saber to his belt. He groped around his mind for the connection to Rey, it had gone unused for five years, and like a muscle, it had atrophied. He considered tugging on it, just to see what would happen, but he didn’t want to upset whatever equilibrium they’d evidently reached and decided to leave it alone.

Chewbacca called to him from the cockpit, he entered realizing the Wookiee had taken the co-pilot seat, leaving him to take his father’s place. He froze for a few moments before sitting down, preparing hyperspace calculations in his head. The trip to D’Qar was uneventful.

Poe met them in the hanger, clapping him on the back, “Welcome back Solo,”

“Good to be back Dameron. How’s my ship?”

“In pristine condition and I demand visitation rights.”

He laughed at that, only stopping when he realized it had been five years since he’d laughed like that. It was a sobering thought.

Rey wasn’t at the base; he’d assumed she would be, she was definitely proficient enough for Skywalker to train her without being at a Force Nexus. She could’ve come back. She’d chosen not to. Thinking about it, he wasn’t sure why he’d thought she would. He didn’t ask anyone why she’d made that decision, he didn’t want to know the answer.

It was as if everyone who stuck around on the D’Qar base had come to an agreement that Rey never existed. He spent the entire week forcing himself not to ask about her, he could sense she was alive — he had to be happy with that. If she wanted to see him she would’ve come, she would’ve at least reached out to him through the bond. So he didn’t ask. So he didn’t tug on his end of the bond.

Before the week was over, his Silencer was fitted with a tracker and he had one implanted in his neck so that the New Republic could keep an eye on him in the event he went rogue. Disabling both would have been effortless, but the fallout wouldn’t be worth the freedom. So he shrugged his father’s old jacket on, tucked his saber inside of it — he wasn’t sure if was actually allowed to have it — left the trackers alone and dutifully reported to the New Republic’s military headquarters on Coruscant.

He put down the Silencer on the landing pad, he couldn’t say that the placement of their headquarters was particularly strategic, but given he’d only seen the inside of a cell for the past five years, he appreciated the view of the city. He was so distracted by it that he hadn’t realized who was standing there to direct him through the building until they called out to him.

“Ren!”

He spun around, he knew that voice, “Phasma?”

Her hair was no longer white, she’d dyed it brown — or stopped bleaching it, he wasn’t sure — and was tied up in a braid that reminded him of Leia. Her skin wasn’t as pale, but her eyes maintained that same calculating look.

“Technically, it’s Brienne now. How’s your Scavenger, Ren?”

“Technically, it’s Solo now. How’s your Traitor, Phasma?”

He was surprised to see the woman laugh, teeth flashing.

“He’s lived up to his potential in the New Republic’s military, not under me,” she said somewhat bitterly.

She turned and he followed her as they entered the building, “What about the rest of your troops?”

“Part of my plea included that they wouldn’t be charged with any crimes and allowed to readjust to civilian life or to join the New Republic’s military.”

He wasn’t at all surprised to hear that she’d put her troops freedom before her own.

“And Hux?”

“No one told you? He was executed.”

“I was in _solitary_ for five years, no one _told_ me anything.”

“And your Scavenger?”

“I wouldn’t know,” he said flatly.

Either sensing he didn’t want to talk about it, or more likely not actually caring, Phasma didn’t press him on that further, “So, why did you testify on my behalf?”

“I don’t like owing favors, I owed you for lowing shields on Starkiller.”

“After I got out of prison, I watched a recording of your trial. I’m surprised they didn’t execute you like Hux.”

“They should’ve, but my mother is well connected.”

“Lucky you.”

“Yes, lucky me. I get to live with what I’ve done.”

“It was for the greater good.”

“The ends don’t always justify the means Phasma. I get the feeling you know that, considering what you did for your troops.”

“Evidently this government agrees with you, they have me training the new recruits, I rarely leave the planet. You, however, will be going out in the field.”

He let out a sigh of relief, he couldn’t imagine being cooped up like Phasma, though she didn’t seem particularly displeased with her position.

“And what will I be doing in the field?”

“Don’t know. Don’t care. I’m just here to show you your quarters and deliver you to the briefing room since everyone else was too afraid to do it.”

He snorted, “Of course.”

“You know, you’ll have access to tech that you can use to keep an eye on your Scavenger.”

“Rey.”

“Beg pardon?”

“Rey, her name is Rey. And I’m not going to track her. I’m not a stalker.”

She quirked her eyebrow at that.

“What the Hell? Do you really think I’m that creepy?”

She shrugged, “You can be uh, let me put this delicately, so you don’t go on a rampage. You can be a little intense.”

“Thanks.”

“My pleasure,” she stopped suddenly, “These are your quarters, same design as the officer quarters on the Finalizer, and I’m assuming you don’t care what they look like anyways, so let’s get you to briefing room.”

He followed silently behind her, until she stopped again.”

“Good luck, _Solo_ ,” she called out as she drifted away, leaving him standing in front of a nondescript door.

He stepped forward and the door slid open. The faces of the people staring at him were vaguely familiar, he recognized them from his trial. They stared at him silently for a second, a mixture of trepidation and hostility on their faces. He narrowed his eyes. Finally one of them cleared their throat and began speaking. He let his eyes roam over the room before settling on the person talking at him. Not to him, at him.

He struggled to pay attention; the meeting went on longer than the ones Hux held. He got the gist of his job within the first five minutes and then tuned out the conditions they spent the remaining three hours and 55 minutes listing.

He was essentially a bounty hunter. He would be given criminals and criminal groups to track and take down. The only conditions he made note of was the fact that the New Republic would cover the costs he racked up while he was working — within reason — and he had to bring in his targets alive, unless instructed otherwise. As far as he was concerned, that was all the information he needed, aside from who his targets were.

They finally let him go after giving him a holopad with the information on his target and he left without glancing at it, he didn’t particularly care about what his target was wanted for. He got to his ship before he actually looked at the holopad — only to figure out where he was supposed to be going. He heaved out a heavy sigh. Tatooine. He got the feeling he’d be spending a significant amount of time on backwards outer-rim planets. He’d almost prefer prison to being on that hellhole of a planet. Almost. That ‘almost’ was enough to get him in his ship and the coordinates entered.

He had a significant amount of time to kill in hyperspace. He should sleep. The first night he’d been out of his cell the nightmares came back with a vengeance and he almost caved, almost pulled on the bond. He’d stopped himself and had been sleeping as little as possible. He tried meditating for the first time since his release instead. It was more difficult now that he could truly feel the Force around him, still, he managed.

He managed for about fifteen minutes before slipping into a fitful sleep. He woke a few hours later, shaking. He had to take several deep breaths to calm himself, to get the image of Rey out of his mind.

Well, he _tried_ to shake the image of her from his mind. It didn’t work. It never worked. She was as much a part of him as Kylo Ren was. But she was gone. She’d left him, or he’d pushed her away, he wasn’t sure, in reality it was probably a mixture of both. 

Ultimately the reason for her absence didn’t matter as much as the fact that she was gone. He missed her. By separating he’d left a piece of himself in her and she’d left a piece of herself in him. He could only hope it wasn’t as painful for her as it was for him.

He thought that it might not hurt her as much since she hadn’t tried to contact him. But it was killing him and still he hadn’t tried to contact her. But he had reasons to stay away, she didn’t. She was fine. She was stronger that him.

He had to convince himself of that, make himself believe it, or else he wouldn’t rest until he found her and fixed it. He had to convince himself of that because he would only make things worse by trying to fix them.

His job was mindless. He was also a highly trained Force user with a lightsaber hunting down non-Force sensitive criminals.

If he was feeling particularly lazy, he would use the Force when apprehending then. If he was in the mood to equally terrify and impress someone he would use his saber. If he wanted a challenge he would go after them armed only with a blaster and refused to use the Force. 

He was given time off between missions, though he usually only used a day or two to spar and drink with Phasma before going off again. He was saving up the rest of his time off to use in one long stretch. He’d been reduced to using Holocalls to contact his mother and Dameron, he wanted enough time to actually see them.

Another reason he avoided using most of his time off was to keep himself busy, because if he slowed down he would dwell on the fact that he saw Rey everywhere. She’d only haunted his dreams at first, but then he’d begun catching glimpses of three buns ducking just out of sight. He’d catch her face just for a second in the middle of a crowd. The dormant bond would begin to flare every now and then. He’d actually contacted Skywalker through the Force just to make sure she was ok. Skywalker confirmed she was alive and unharmed and he forced himself to be satisfied with that information.

The temptation to reach out to her grew exponentially and he’d begun considering separating a pair of Force dampening cuffs and slapping them around his wrists like gauntlets, just to stop himself from tugging on their bond. 

Then he discovered that constantly working was a better solution because it didn’t allow him the time to think about her, to worry about the fact that he was evidently hallucinating on a somewhat regular basis, to regret staying away, to wonder if he still had a chance. It was better to bury all of it and pretend he was fine. He was good at that.

Two years passed before his mother demanded he come home. He’d thought she meant D’Qar. She’d meant Corellia, which was how he found himself standing in a room that had gone untouched for over 25 years. Everything in his old bedroom was exactly as he’d left it. He sat down heavily on the bed he was far too tall for. The springs creaked. So many nightmares had taken place in that bed. He couldn’t help but focus on the worst one — the one that had sent him running to his parents, the one he never told them about.

He felt like he was suffocating and he rushed out into the living room, trying to calm himself. He was drawn to the pictures Leia had hanging all over the far wall. The one that caught his attention in particular was a picture of his father holding him as an infant. He was the same age his father had been when that photo was taken. Forcing himself to tear his eyes away from the picture he refused to consider why that realization had tugged at him strangely, why he felt like he’d lost something.

He was still seeing _her_ everywhere, and he still hadn’t told anyone about it. Most people suspected he was crazy and he didn’t want to actually want to prove them right. Despite all evidence pointing to him having hallucinations, he couldn’t shake the feeling that Rey was actually there.

He’d met up with Dameron on Canto Bight after spending three weeks on Corellia with his mother and Chewie. They spent more time gambling than they should have, he was manipulating the games in their favor with the Force, and people were starting to get suspicious of them. They decided they needed to take a break in order to avoid getting caught, so they spent their fifth night there at a hole in the wall bar, drinking.

He was slightly inebriated when he caught a glimpse of her again. This time she didn’t disappear after a minute and he immediately put his drink down, assuming he was much drunker than he thought. But the world didn’t sway as he followed his hallucination out of the bar into the rain and he was starting to worry that he’d actually lost his grip on reality instead. He was so panicked that he didn’t notice the bond had begun to flare again.

He followed her, staying several paces behind, sometimes losing her in the crowded street, but then he’d catch sight of her three buns as they turned around a corner. He wasn’t paying attention to where the hallucination was leading him or how wet he’d gotten walking in rain. He did notice that the crowd had disappeared when she finally turned around to face him.

He stared at her dumbly, waiting for her to disappear as well. Rey just stared back. It had been seven years since he’d properly seen her. She almost looked the same, except for the dark circles under her eyes. They probably matched his own. He realized his mouth was hanging open slightly and he hastily shut it, swallowing hard.

“You’re real?” he finally asked.

“Yes?”

“I’m not imagining you?”

“You’ve been imagining me?”

He didn’t answer, instead quickly closing the distance between them and bringing his hand up to touch her, half expecting his hand to ghost through her. He stopped himself before he could find out, his hand hovering near her face, afraid to break the illusion she was actually there. Instead she leaned her cheek into his palm, wrapping her own hands around his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have another update, and it's a long one, and they're reunited!


	29. Chapter 29

He caressed her cheek once before gently extracting his hand from her grasp.

“You’ve been imagining me?” she asked again.

“Imagining. Hallucinating. Same thing,” he shrugged nonchalantly, “I’ve known for a long time that my sanity wasn’t all there.”

To his surprise, she looked down sheepishly, shuffling her feet.

He narrowed his eyes, “What?”

“You…uh…you may not have been imagining me…I’ve been keeping tabs on you. I tried to stay out of sight.”

“Why?”

“Why have I been keeping tabs on you or why have I tried to stay out of sight?”

He crossed his arms over his chest, “Both.”

“Well why didn’t you try to reach out through the bond?” she asked accusingly as a means to avoid answering the question.

“I wasn’t sure you would appreciate my presence.”

She looked down again, muttering, “You’re not wrong.”

“Not wrong about what?”

“That’s why I tried to stay out of sight. I didn’t want to see you.”

“Then why keep tabs?”

“In case you needed backup. I know you’re a bounty hunter.”

He raised an eyebrow, almost insulted by the insinuation that he wouldn’t be able to handle himself.

“If you didn’t want to see me, why would me needing assistance matter to you?”

She stayed silent.

“If you didn’t want to see me, why are you here right now?” he continued.

She still remained silent and it cut at him. He’d thought about her constantly over the past seven years and she hadn’t wanted to see him at all. He’d refused to consider what a reunion with her would look like because he didn’t want to be disappointed if it turned out he’d completely ruined things with her. Evidently there was no way for him to prepare for the way his heart constricted and tried to beat its way out of his chest.

He took a deep breath, memorizing the way her sun kissed skin seemed to glow and how the rain plastered wisps of hair to her forehead. She was magnificent. He turned and walked away.

“Where are you going?” she shouted after him.

He sighed inwardly, _Does it matter?_

It was the first time he’d actively used the bond in seven years and it shattered the walls they’d built.

 _Yes,_ she answered tentatively.

He ignored her and kept walking with no real destination in mind.

 _Ben!_ she shouted through their bond and he finally stopped.

_I can’t keep doing this Rey. Try as I might, I can never stop loving you. But that doesn’t mean you have any obligation towards me. It would be better for everyone if you didn’t shadow me out of some sense of guilt because you don’t love me._

He was suddenly hit with a large wall of anger from her. She swiftly crowded him and smacked him across the face.

He stepped back, shocked.

“You told me that if I said I loved you, I couldn’t take it back. I said it,” she hissed.

“You were 20…”

“I meant those words when I said them back then —”

“Yes, back then —”

“I said it knowing full well that I couldn’t take it back even if you begged me to because it is a fact.”

“You couldn’t forgive me for what I’ve done.”

“That doesn’t mean I didn’t love you! It doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I kept tabs on you because I love you. I stayed out of sight because I hadn’t forgiven you yet. I’m here right now because you have my forgiveness.”

She finished her outburst quietly and he was immediately on her. Caging her between his body and the wall of the alley, he attacked her mouth viciously. He bit down on her lip hard enough to draw blood before swiping his tongue across it. The rain continued its downpour, causing the blood to dilute and run down her chin, staining her mouth and skin. She knotted her fingers in his hair and opened her mouth to let him explore with his tongue.

He reluctantly pulled away and had to immediately brace himself to stop her from pulling him back down to her mouth.

“That’s what you’ve been doing for the past seven years? Trying to forgive me?”

“No, that’s what I’ve been doing for the past two years.”

“And the first five?”

“Were spent training and pretending you didn’t exist.”

“Good to know I was so highly thought of.”

“It made it easier to deal with the bond being cut off.”

“You haunted me, when I was in there. I couldn’t get rid of you.”

“For what its worth, I couldn’t get rid of you either,” she confessed.

“I highly doubt we’ll ever be able to escape each other Sweetheart.”

She smiled indulgently at him, before adding “You waited.”

“Waited?”

“For me. You waited for me.”

“Don’t sound so surprised. Of course I waited. I’ll still wait. I’ll wait as long as you want me to.”

“I’m not asking you to wait anymore. Actually, I’m asking you to take us somewhere dry.”

He laughed, “You were the one who lead us out here in the first place.”

“I didn’t want Poe to interrupt.”

“And you had to walk a mile away in order to insure that?”

“I was nervous and you were buzzed. I needed to get my nerves together and you needed to sober up.”

“Rey, you know how I feel about you, what the hell were you nervous about?”

“Because I don’t know what happens after this. The path I’ve been following ends here, it’s always ended here, with you. The longer I put it off, the longer I knew what was ahead of me. Now the path is gone.”

He sighed, running a hand through his soaking hair, “I’ve been drifting for the last two years, it’s not as bad as you might think.”

“Careful, you don’t want to oversell it,” she smirked.

He smiled down at her, “I’ll do what I can to make it more bearable.”

Without warning he lunged and swept her up in his arms, in a mirror of what he’d done all those years ago on Takodana. 

She eye’d him suspiciously, “This has happened before…”

He felt the tips of his ears burn, “I wasn’t going to just let you drop to the dirt after I knocked you out.”

“I’m honored,” she said solemnly, humor glinting in her eyes.

He huffed in amusement, “Good, you should be. I got a lot of grief for that stunt. Now, which way is the Falcon?”

She made to extract herself from his grip, but he held her fast.

“Just tell me which way to go,” he continued.

“You’re not seriously going to walk the entire way holding me like this?” she asked incredulously, trying to wriggle out of his grasp.

He gently pulled the location of the ship from her memories through the bond before growling, “Watch me,” in her ear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so I'm hoping to write an ending for this before TLJ drops, unfortunately I have absolutely no idea what should happen next, so pleaseeeee leave a comment and tell me what you'd like to see.


	30. Chapter 30

True to his word he got them to the Falcon without putting Rey down. He had two main reasons for his determination to achieve that, one being he just wanted to prove he could do it, the other being that he was terrified that if he let go of her, she would disappear. Even with her held tightly against his chest he couldn’t shake the fear that she would suddenly slip through his grasp like sand.

He managed to get them up the ramp before she tried to extricate herself from his arms and he let her go. He paused, taking in his surroundings. He’d assumed she had the Falcon in her possession and he wasn’t wrong, but he distinctly remembered flying it just after he was released.

Turning to look at her, he asked, “When did you get the ship?”

“I took it after your trial.”

“But…I flew her back to D’Qar…you weren’t there were you?”

“No. I lent her to Leia and took an X-Wing for a week. You deserved to pilot her.”

“Not enough to warrant keeping her though?”

“She’s yours if you want her. You’d have to give up your Silencer though…”

Evidently a look of horror passed over his face as she laughed, “That’s what I thought.”

“Funny,” he grumbled.

Her gaze softened, “She’ll be around when you’re ready for her.”

He tucked a loose wisp of hair behind her ear, allowing his hand to linger on her cheek, “Will you?”

Confusion flickered across her face and her brow furrowed, “Will I what?”

“Be here? When I’m ready?”

_Ready?_

_What the hell am I talking about?_ “I’ll never be ready for you.”

He lunged for her, pulling her flush up against him, attacking her neck with bruising kisses as she wound her hands in his hair. 

He walked them through the ship in search a bunk. He’d been desperate for her for over seven years but he refused to take her against a wall.

Placing her down with a gentleness he reserved only for her, he crouched in front of her, framing her face with his hands. He scanned her face looking for signs of trepidation and he quickly lost track of what he was trying to do and just stared at her, mouth hanging open slightly. She evidently grew impatient and smashed her lips against his violently. Part of him wanted to respond with equal ferocity. Another part of him wanted to make the moment last as long as possible. That side won and he didn’t rise to the bait, instead cradling her face as he stroked the inside of her mouth with his tongue. He was slowly trying to devour her and she whimpered.

 _Too much. Not enough,_ she projected across the bond.

He pulled away from her only to tug lightly on the hem of her shirt, asking for permission. Her response was to take it off herself. Before he could reach out to unwrap the breast band she’d grabbed onto his shirt and yanked it off of him. He growled and pounced on her causing her to land on her back on the bunk. He tore her breast band off but managed to stop himself from immediately latching onto one of her breasts, instead pulling her back into an upright position as he kneeled in between her legs. He raised his hand to ghost a thumb over her nipple, watching it pebble as she took a shaky breath. He repeated the action on the other breast before cupping the entirety of one in his hand and bringing his mouth to the other. He laved at her nipple with his tongue and then sucked on it hard. The moan that rose from her made growl against her chest, and he nipped her, catching the nipple with his teeth. Her response was to tug sharply on his hair, pulling him closer.

She was panting and his blood had already rushed south so he somewhat reluctantly pulled away from her chest, once again glancing up for permission as he eased her down onto her back and hooked his fingers in her waistband. She nodded, a flush creeping up her cheeks.

He groaned when he noticed the wet spot in her underwear and felt his cock twitch. She peered down at him and tentatively moved to hook a leg over his shoulder and he used that as an opportunity to divest her of her last article of clothing, leaving her bare before him. She never failed to take his breath away. He traced his fingers over her tanned and freckled skin, stopping to press delicate open mouthed kisses against her scars. Making his way down her body, he paused to suck matching bruises on her hip bones, finally settling at the apex of her legs. 

_Exquisite._

She growled with impatience and he laughed against her skin causing her to release a high pitched keening noise. He took mercy on her then and lightly licked through her folds, her hands flew to his hair as her hips bucked. He threw one arm over her hips, barring her in place, and used the other to gently work a finger inside her while lapping at her clit. She gasped at the intrusion and tightened her grip on his hair and he growled against her, earning a shaky moan. He eased a second finger in her and sucked hard on her clit. She made that keening noise again and he moved back to circling her clit with his tongue. 

For as loud as she had been earlier, she came quietly, almost shocked it had happened. One of her hands released it’s grip and flew over her mouth as she gasped, “Oh,” clenching around his fingers. He eased off her clit but ran his fingers over that slightly spongey spot that made her scream and she keened once more, clenching around his fingers even tighter.

When her breathing evened out he gently pulled his fingers out of her. She sat back up in time to watch him lick his fingers clean. Her pupils were blown wide and she reached out for him. He obliged and bore down on her, kissing her hard. 

He was careful to keep his weight off of her which gave her ample room for her hands to wander towards his waistband. She palmed his cock through his pants and he growled into the kiss as she began fumbling with the fastenings.

He wrenched himself off of her and took over getting them off. She watched him intently before rising up to trace over his scars and pressing kisses to them as he had done to her. He shuddered at the sensation and ran his hands through her hair. 

He finally shucked his pants the rest of the way off, his briefs following shortly afterwards. Her eyes widened slightly and he tried to tamp down his ego. Taking himself in his hand, he lined himself up with her entrance.

“Wait!”

He looked up and immediately felt guilty, he should’ve asked, “I’m sorry Rey,” he began to climb off of her.

She jerked him back towards her, “No, Ben, it’s just that, well…”

She looked up at him with her hazel eyes that he wanted to lose himself in, though now they were filled with fear. Fear of him? His reaction? She shifted her legs together uncomfortably.

He hung his head, taking a second to collect himself before looking up at her, forcing a smile, “It’s ok,” he kissed her forehead, “I don’t need to know. I don’t need to know who or how many.”

He kissed her forehead again, if only to give himself a moment to collect himself again, to try to quell the hurt and the shaking anger in his limbs. Seven years was a long time. She was young. She was here now. Now was far more than he deserved. He’d slept with other women before her. But logic couldn’t stop him from wishing his chest would just cave in. Because he waited those seven years. Because from the moment he saw her there was never anyone else. Because she’d said she’d loved him. 

But she was here _now,_ she loved him _now._ That was better than anything he could ever ask for. He met her gaze again.

She was looking up at him in confusion, “No,” she said forcefully, almost angrily. But somewhere beneath that there was amazement. Watching him wrestle with the two parts of himself was fascinating to her.

His face burned with shame and embarrassment. But then her hand was on his cheek, tentative this time as she redirected his gaze towards her again.

“I don’t have an implant…I never needed one…”

He kissed her soundly, preparing to roll to the side, content to hold her. 

She held him in place, _Can we risk it?_

She almost whispered through the bond, her face turned bright red.

He knew he should say no, but she was there, underneath him. _She_ wanted him. And ultimately, he could never say no to her. 

He nodded, growling, “You’re reckless, Scavenger.”

The moment he said Scavenger his fingers, which had begun circling her clit, were drenched. He smirked at her wickedly. 

He leaned down tracing the shell of her ear with his tongue. _I’ll be gentle._

She ineffectually thrusted up at him and he gripped one hip in his hand and used the other line himself up again. He glanced up once more to make sure she was okay, and slowly pressed forward.

He made it just past the tip before he paused for both their benefit, giving her time to adjust to his size and him to take a shuttering breath. She was impossibly tight and the feedback through the bond was overwhelming. When he finally hilted himself inside her completely he immediately stroked her sides and kissed her neck to help her relax around him.

She shifted beneath him and brought her legs to wrap around his back and he groaned at the new angle, before slowly drawing halfway out and sliding back in. He kept up the slow pace until she whined and started meeting his thrusts. He pulled out further then before slamming home. She let out a heady moan and he repeated the action quickly increasing the pace. She squeezed her legs around him tighter and his vision almost whited out. He was close so he began rubbing at her clit with his thumb, making her mewl.

She screamed when she came that time, her walls squeezing around him and he desperately tried to pull out from her before it became too much. Seeming to sense his train of thought, she wrapped her legs around him tighter. 

He looked at her shocked.

“You did say I was a reckless scavenger,” she panted. 

He groaned out her name as he came. He halfheartedly tried to pull out, before deeming it to be too much effort and settled for gasping out, “I love you.”

Happiness radiated through the bond. _I know._

He snorted, “Did my mother tell you about that?”

“She may have mentioned it.”

He rested his head on her chest, placing a chaste kiss over her heart. 

“I love you too,” she whispered, kissing the top of his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Words cannot express how sorry I am that I made you all read this chapter. I don't know how to write, like in general, so this was probably worse than usual. Anyways, we're looking at probably one more chapter.


	31. Chapter 31

They got lucky; there were no consequences for their moment of recklessness. He let out an audible sigh of relief that he hadn’t ruined her life. She shot him a slightly offended look as she read his thoughts. 

_Life ruining?_

He shrugged. His life had taken many unexpected turns, he was slowly learning to not be surprised by them, but the thought of _that_ horrified him. She was only 27. He still had debts to pay to the Republic. He couldn’t constantly leave while she stayed behind taking care of a _child._ A child, he couldn’t do that to a child. He would ruin its life before it was born. The Skywalker bloodline would end with him. He also knew that the day any child of his would look at him with disgust _would_ arrive, and he didn’t know if he’d be able to survive it.

Her brow furrowed. _You’re not worried about ruining my life. You’re worried about ruining your own,_ she accused.

“Oh I already did that, Sweetheart,” he mumbled into her hair, pulling her close.

She pulled back to look at him, delicately tracing the scar bisecting his face, “Really? Is your life _really_ ruined?”

“No,” he growled, “but I did ruin it. You were the one who pieced it back together, weaving yourself through it,” he finished in a soft, reverent tone, gazing at her.

She ducked her head, blushing, “You need to stop looking at me like that, it’s overwhelming.”

“Like what?”

“Like I’m your entire reason for living,” she glanced up at him.

He stared at her, wide eyed, expression open, “You pretty much are. I don’t particularly enjoy living with all this guilt, but I’m tied to you. I am yours. I will follow you, wherever you go. And that’s not something I’m complaining about or want to give up.”

There was some emotion swimming behind her eyes that he couldn’t quite place, _how do you feel_ so _much? It’s overwhelming for me, I don’t know how you can handle it._

_I would never wish it on you. I’ve also had 37 years of practice._

Despite his protests, she made no attempts to keep the true nature of their relationship a secret and it became public knowledge that they were involved with one another. He didn’t deserve her and he certainly didn’t deserve her baffling lack of embarrassment at being loved by him and having everyone know it. Which was why he never initiated contact with her in public and never asked her to marry him, despite the fact that he had a ring. He’d healed his old Kyber crystal, turning it a brilliant white and centered it in a chromium band.

Despite knowing she’d never wear it, even see it, he carried around with him. There was no logical reason behind it. Deep down he knew it was because a part of him hoped she would find it.

After the better part of a year, she did. There was no discussion about it, he simply noticed that the ring was sitting on her finger, _that_ finger. He cleared his throat and she looked up at him, smile spreading as she took in the guilty expression on his face.

“Is that a yes?” he asked uncertainly.

“Depends, what’s the question?” she quipped back, he should’ve known she’d make him ask.

“Rey, marry me? Please?”

She looked down, considering the ring, “I’ll marry you.”

He let go of a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.

Her eyes narrowed, “On one condition-”

“Yes, anything,” he cut her off.

That was how a little over a year later, he once again found staring at a picture of a man holding an infant choked up with that same unidentifiable emotion. All the other details had changed. He wasn’t on Corellia; he was on Takodana — Rey had wanted a green planet. The biggest difference is that _he_ was the man in the picture. _He_ was holding _Rey’s_ child. He was holding _his_ child. He was holding his _son._ He’d let Rey name him, his only stipulation was that there would be no legacy tied to the name. She’d decided on Ashe. 

The first time he’d held at his son he had been gripped with fear and guilt. Fear that he would ruin this child. Guilt that his father would never get to meet his grandson. He’d looked up, searching for a safe place to leave the child, to get it away from his darkness. But he saw Rey looking at him, a soft smile playing across her face. The reminder that she trusted _him_ with the person most precious to her was enough to calm him and the way the child wailed when he eventually tried to return him to his mother made him laugh. He compromised by sitting down next to Rey so that they could both look down at their son. That was when the photo had been taken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was short and sweet; it's also the last one. The story is over! Thank you for sticking with me through it. I hope it wasn't terrible.


End file.
